Too stunned?
Too happy?
I scrambled to my feet. “Ash?”
Slowly, he shook his head.
I reached for him and then stopped myself as my heart sank to my stomach, then down to my feet only to crash against the concrete.
He’d built her a chapel.
I’d left her my pearls.
I started walking backward until my tears made it impossible to move without swiping them away, then running.
I gripped the sliding glass door, stumbled inside, unable to breathe and unable to focus as I collapsed onto the ground.
Luc was there in seconds.
Then Chase.
I clawed at the kitchen floor, and then I screamed. Was that scream mine? Was this person me? Sobbing so hard she couldn’t breathe.
“Hey, hey.” Sergio slapped me lightly on the face. “Take deep breaths, calm…”
Tex and Phoenix shared a look, then Andrei was moving toward the door cursing up a storm.
But my focus went to Chase.
His eyes fell to mine.
In apology.
In knowledge.
So I closed mine.
So he couldn’t see my pain.
Or notice how the last remnants of my heart that were truly Ash’s just collapsed within themselves, leaving me nothing but darkness and despair.
Alone.
My fault.
My mom said to trust the Abandonatos.
And I gave them everything.
And now.
I had nothing.
Nothing but a heartbeat inside a shell of a body.
And still, Ash wasn’t here.
And why would he be?
I swayed to my feet, shoving past everyone as I numbly walked up the stairs and into my room—possibly the last night I’d be there.
I went to the bathroom and turned on the faucets—both of them.
Then the shower.
And once the sound of water falling was almost too much—I screamed.
Until I wanted to die.
And in the furthest recess of my mind, I heard a voice whisper—you just did.
“Is this yours?” Chase held up a pregnancy test. “I wanted to ask before I went to my daughter’s…”
I burst into tears. “I can’t, Chase. I can’t. I tried. I wanted to help. I love him. I’m so sorry.”
He pulled me into his arms.
The missing piece of the puzzle.
“Sadly, so ironic, isn’t it?” Chase said mysteriously. “This is Ash’s?”
I couldn’t trust myself to speak, but I could nod. “I was trying… he thought I was… someone else.”
Chase’s jaw flexed. “Fucking ruined him.”
Ruined me, I wanted to say. Instead, I said in a small voice, “Please, please just… send me away.”
“You’re under our protection… but okay.”
I still remembered that night, six weeks later, when I sent Chase the text that was still so painful that I wanted to die again.
It was the first time I contemplated it as I typed.
“Miscarriage.”
He’d made sure I had family around me.
I had the best doctors.
He called every day.
But all I kept thinking was this happened because my mom, the only person I trusted in my life, said to go to the Abandonatos.
And all Ash had ever done was hurt and live up to his name, Abandon.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” —H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Ash
“What. The. Hell.” Junior roared from behind me, and within minutes all the bosses were filing out of the house, surrounding us.
And there she fucking stood.
My angel.
My demon.
My dream.
My nightmare.
It was impossible to hear anything past the roar of my own pain and anger as Claire stared me down like she fucking belonged in my yard after all the carnage she’d left in her wake.
“Why?” It was all I could say.
Her eyes darted around to the audience we now had.
She lowered her head. “I saw the news, the tweets, about you and Annie.” Her smile was sad. “Not really what I had in mind when I said protect her.”
I heard myself growl like an out of body experience.
She held up her hands. “I wasn’t supposed to come back, not like this, never like this, but then I, just, I realized that maybe.” Tears filled her eyes. “Maybe I was too scared. Wrong.” Her eyes fell to someone behind me. A hand touched my shoulder.
I imagined my dad.
Junior.
Maybe even Valerian.
But it was Tank.
Tank of all people that looked ready to rage a war on one small female. He gripped my shoulder and stood there.
And then, Junior followed.
Maksim.
Serena.
Valerian.
Until all of my cousins stood by my side, adding their strength.
Claire let out a shudder. “I thought so. But it was worth it. Because I realized…” Tears spilled over her cheeks. “That you were always worth it, and I didn’t deserve you, I didn’t understand. I let myself… create this perfect life in my head, and then it didn’t happen, and I resented you—all of you, so I went to your dad.” She hiccupped out another sob, covering her mouth. “I messed up so bad that I couldn’t come out of it.”
“What?” My voice was hoarse. “Did you do?”
Her eyes were clear as she whispered. “I lied about being pregnant, I thought it would force your hand, get us out, make things normal, and then I realized my mistake, but it was too late. I was too late.”