Lisette’s expression turned painfully neutral, as if she were locking down on very strong feelings before they could show. “Is that what the male mages did in your clan? Just grunt labor?”
“Basically.” Tori focused on the fine wire in his hands as he twisted it around the moon-bathed stone. That was far easier to face. The memories of how he’d been rejected, time and time again, built up like acid reflux. He had to swallow hard several times to keep them from bubbling out of him. “Sometime in my great-grandparents’ generation, male mages started being born, and more still with every successive generation. My clan was livid about it, sure it was a sign of some sort. We were basically bad omens for them. So they treated us like bad omens. I could gather elements and help prep for spells, but I wasn’t allowed to do magic itself. It was partially because of my math—at least that’s the excuse they loved to use—but because it wasn’t my place as a male mage to do the higher magics anyway.”
Lisette lifted a hand. “Back up. I don’t understand that comment. What about your math?”
He paused, hands stilling on the amulet. “Uh, well, I haven’t seen anyone do it here. I assumed you did before I joined you. But measuring the elements for their exact weight and power levels, I wasn’t allowed to do that. I’m, uh, dyscalculic. I tend to flip numbers and have a hard time doing the necessary formulas. That isn’t going to be an issue, I hope? I mean, you’ve seen that I can still work fine.”
The mage stared at him without blinking, much like a lizard in shock. “They. Did. What?”
Tori stared uncertainly back. “They measure the exact weight and power of an element before they use it? Don’t you do that, too?”
“We do a basic inspection, of course, especially if it’s an element we’re harvesting in the wild. But we don’t weigh every single ounce of it and measure it to death.” Lisette shook her head in confusion. “Part of a mage’s gift and talent is to draw power as necessary from the elements around them and pour it into a single focus. Not drain the elements of all power so the mage doesn’t work at all. Wait, you’re telling me they denied you the ability to work magic because you couldn’t measure things?”
“Well, that, and you have to do the formula with the measurements in place to make sure the spell has enough power to work…” He trailed off as Lisette groaned loudly, her head flopping back. “I haven’t seen any of you write down formulas yet, either.”
“Because we don’t.” Lisette blew out a breath, sounding like a dragon ready to spew fire. “This is insane. Why would anyone do that? It’s like they don’t trust magic at all. They’re treating it more like a chemical mixture.”
That’s exactly how Tori had always felt about it. “It sort of confused me, seeing all of you working. I didn’t see any math being used, but I thought it was because you’d done it all beforehand or because you’ve done this exact recipe so many times you didn’t need it. The only one who referenced anything was me.”
“We have done those recipes many, many times. We brought a copy out for your sake.” Lisette’s head came back down so she could look at him once more. “But still, what you’re describing is insanity. It’s a wonder they get anything done, constantly second-guessing everything as they are. But it begs the question, if you weren’t allowed to do anything but apprentice-level work, then how do you know how to do all this?”
“Reading,” Tori admitted a little shyly and went back to assembling the amulet. He just needed to make a paste of the elements and apply it to the stone. He unscrewed the jar lids and started measuring things out into a small, pewter bowl as he explained, “I kept sneaking books away from the different mages in the clan. I started with my mother’s library, and I’d read well into the night.”
“Despite their attitudes?”
“When I was young, still in high school, I thought maybe I could prove myself to them. If I just knew enough magical theory, I could somehow overcome their doubts and ingrained traditions. When I turned eighteen, though, it became clear that nothing I could do would ever make a difference. They were too set in their ways. I think it’s about hierarchy more than anything.”
“How the female mages keep the rest in check?” Lisette’s eyes turned hard and flinty.
“Why else would you deny male mages the right to work magic?” Tori’s own anger flared to life. “I didn’t know better, not until I came here. Not until I saw all of you in action and realized that this is what a clan of mages should look like. But still, I knew even at eighteen that there was something very wrong. That I shouldn’t be denied the talent I was born with. At that point, I kept studying out of spite. I was determined to learn enough that I could strike out on my own.”