“What does? What hurts?”
“Everything! Everything hurts, Matthew!”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” I took her in my arms. She cried weakly, her whole body pressed against mine, as if I could take the pain away.
“Lucy.” I held her, rocking her as she grieved. “You have to stop dancing. You have to stop.
I know it’s hard. I know. But I’ll take care of you, I promise.”
“I don’t want to stop,” she whispered with a desperation that broke my heart.
“I know. But if you’re hurting...if you’re hurting enough to take drugs...”
“It’s just for my ankle. It never completely got better. It’s just not totally healed, that’s all.”
“Then why did you go back to work?”
“Because it’s my job!”
“Because you’re a fucking idiot. And now you’ve probably made it worse.”
“Matthew...”
“No, you fucking listen to me. If you ever, ever fucking take another Vicodin, I will personally beat you to unconsciousness.”
“I didn’t know what it would do.”
“Well, it’s fucking addictive and you are never to take it again, do you understand?”
“Yes, okay,” she said, holding her head.
“Or are you already on it?”
“No.”
“Tell the truth. What are you on?”
“Nothing. I’m not...nothing... I looked down at her hard but her eyes were starting to close.
“I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.”
“Sleep then and get better, because when you’re better, we’re going to talk.” I watched her fall asleep, holding her close. When her breathing slowed again, I pulled her closer into my arms and I whispered against her cheek, so quietly she never could have heard.
“Lucy, you stupid little fuck. Why didn’t you tell me the truth?” Then I just watched her sleep, still and yearning, remembering how it felt to come inside her, finally, unsheathed.
* * *
She woke up again just after dark, looking much better than she had at noon. I’d given Mrs.
Kemp the evening off, so I ordered sushi for her, which in hindsight was not the best idea. She sat in her chair and looked a little better when I took the raw fish away and gave her a dish of crackers and some milk.
“Eat it, Lucy,” I said, and she did, slowly, looking ashamed.
“Are you going to punish me?” she asked through a mouthful of crumbs.
“Yes.”
“Tonight?”
“Tomorrow.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to do my damndest not to kill you.”
She paled a little and looked apologetic. “I’m sorry. I know I must have worried you.”
“Worried me?” It was such an understatement, I was hard pressed not to laugh. “Reckless, Lucy. You’re so fucking reckless with your body. You forget that it’s mine. So yes, you’ll be punished. For lying and hiding things and endangering yourself. What do you think I should do to you?”
She looked down, unwilling to answer.
“You’ve broken every one of my most basic rules. Every one. Over a very long period of time.”
“Maybe you can just forgive me.”
“If I could just forgive you, this wouldn’t be so hard.” She closed her eyes, pressed her fingers against them. “I hate when you’re angry with me.”
“Lucy, I’m so fucking furious with you. Do you have any idea how it felt, having Kevin rush in here and tell me he couldn’t wake you? Do you know what it felt like to watch you all night to be sure you took your next breath?”
“I’m sorry, Matthew.” She pushed her plate away, tears shining in her eyes.
“Eat.”
“I can’t.”
“At least drink the milk. All of it.”
I watched her drink it and I hated myself for wondering if she might already be growing our child. When she put the glass down, I leaned back and sighed.
“Now go upstairs, kneel on the bed, and fucking prepare yourself to be fucked.”
“Yes, sir.” I knew she’d be crying, full on sobbing, before she got to the stairs.
I cleaned up the kitchen, trying to hold on to my control. We had more to talk about, things I needed to hear her say. When I got upstairs she was as I’d ordered her, on all fours on the bed. I put a condom on and slathered it with lube. I put my hand on her back and pushed down her head so she arched open to me.
“Give me your hands.”
She reached them back to me and I held them hard in one hand, and with the other, I guided my cock to her ass. Roughly I thrust the head in. I felt her adjust with a jerk. I stayed still in her, just the head of my cock for a moment, letting her stretch for me, then I started to fuck her mechanically. She sobbed, not from pain, but because I was angry. She hated when I was angry.
But I hated that she kept secrets from me.
I leaned down over her, reaming her ass, and I hissed in her ear, “Lucy. Answer something for me. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be raped?” She turned her head away, burying it in the pillow, but I turned her back to me pulling by the roots of her hair.
“Answer me, Lucy. Have you ever been raped?”
She didn’t answer for a moment, then sobbed “yes.” Her eyes were screwed shut, closed up tight.
“And what did it feel like? Did it feel like this? Was that feeling of rape all you ever really wanted from me?”
“No!” she cried. And then “Stop,” and that one word, stop, was weighted with fear.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you? You want me to stop?” I fucked her harder still.
“Do you really want me to stop, Lucy? Or do you want me to rape you? Just like him? That’s what you want, isn’t it? What you’ve always wanted? You’re a liar, you know. All I ever asked for was truth—”
“Stop!” she shouted, her voice hoarse with emotion. “Stop!” She struggled under me and pulled at my hands to get away. I pushed her down to the bed and I fucked her so I probably hurt her, and honestly, if she had said mercy then, I wouldn’t have let her go. I loved her hopelessly, but she was more beautiful and perfect than I could bear. I hurt her because she wanted me to hurt her, but it wasn’t for the reason I thought. It wasn’t because she genuinely loved me for me, that wonder of wonders that I had so foolishly believed.
“If you want fucking rape, you’ve got it.” She sobbed and fought me until I finished and let her up. The moment I let her go, she pulled away from me, ran away from me just as I knew she would. While Kevin drove her to Grégoire’s, I called him and told him to look after her. I told him it was possible that she might be carrying a child. He asked me why? Why have you done this? Not why did you try to make her pregnant, but why are you sending her away?