The Seventh Dwarf (Artemis Fowl 1.5)

Holly clambered from the sludge tub, leaving a trail of green algae on the white carpet.

'I can't imagine what they are planning,' she said, bursting into the locker room. 'But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.'

The Fowl Lear Jet. Over the Atlantic Ocean.

Mulch Diggums was soaking in the Lear jet's high spec Jacuzzi bath. He absorbed gallons of water through his thirsty pores, flushing the toxins from his system. When he felt sufficiently refreshed, he emerged from the bathroom wrapped in an oversized bathrobe. He looked like nothing more than the world's ugliest bride, trailing a train behind him.

Artemis Fowl was toying with an iced tea while he waited for the dwarf. Butler was flying the plane.

Mulch sat at the coffee table, pouring an entire saucer of nuts down his gullet, shells and all.

'So, Mud Boy,' he said. 'What's going on in that devious brain of yours?'

Artemis steepled his fingers, peering around them through wide-set blue eyes. There was quite a lot going on in his devious mind, but Mulch Diggums would only be hearing a small portion of it. Artemis did not believe in sharing all the details of his schemes with anyone. Sometimes the success of these plans depended on nobody knowing exactly what they were doing. Nobody but Artemis himself.

Artemis put on his friendliest face, leaning forward in his chair.

'The way I see it, Mulch,' he said. 'You already owe me a favour.'

'Really, Mud Boy? And how do you figure that?'

Artemis patted the LEP helmet on the table beside him. 'No doubt you bought this on the black market. It is an older model, but it still has the standard LEP voice activated mike, and self-destruct.'

Mulch tried to swallow the nuts, but his throat was suddenly dry.

'Self-destruct?'

'Yes. There's enough explosive packed in here to turn your head to jelly. There would be nothing left but teeth. Of course there would be no need to activate the self-destruct, if the voice activated mike leads the LEP right to your door. I have switched these functions off.'

Mulch frowned. He would be having words with the fence who sold him the helmet.

'OK. Thanks. But you don't expect me to believe that you saved me out of the goodness of your heart.'

Artemis chuckled. He could hardly expect anyone who knew him to believe that.

'No. We have a common goal. The Fei Fei Tiara.'

Mulch folded his arms across his chest.'I work alone. I don't need you to help me steal the tiara.'

Artemis plucked a newspaper from the table, spinning it across to the dwarf. 'Too late, Mulch. Someone already beat us to it.'

The headline was in bold capitals: CHINESE TIARA STOLEN FROM CLASSICAL.

Mulch frowned. 'I'm getting a bit confused here, Mud Boy. The tiara was at the Classical? It was supposed to be at the Fleursheim.'

Artemis smiled. 'No, Mulch. The tiara was never at the Fleursheim. That was just what I needed you to believe.'

'How did you know about me?'

'Simple,' replied Artemis. 'Butler told me of your unique tunnelling talents, so I began to research recent robberies. A pattern began to emerge. A series of jewellery robberies in

New York state. All subterranean entries. It was a simple matter to lure you to the Fleursheim by planting some misinformation at Arty Facts, the website you get your data from. Obviously, with the special talents you displayed at Fowl Manor, you would be invaluable to me.'

'But now someone else has stolen the tiara.' 'Exactly. And I need you to recover it.' Mulch sensed that he had the upper hand. 'And why would I want to recover it? And even if I did, why would I need you, human?'

'I need precisely that tiara, Mulch. The blue diamond on its crown is unique, in hue and quality. It will form the basis for a new laser I am developing. The rest of the tiara will be yours to keep. We would be a formidable team. I plan, you execute. You will live out your exile in total luxury. This first job will be a test.'

'And if I say no?'

Artemis sighed. 'Then I will post my information concerning your being alive and your whereabouts on the Internet. I'm sure LEP Commander Root, will stumble on it eventually. Then I fear, your exile will be short lived, and completely devoid of luxury.'

Mulch jumped to his feet. 'So it's blackmail, is it?'

'Only if it has to be. I prefer cooperation.'

Mulch felt his stomach acid bubble. Root thought he had died during the Fowl Manor siege. If the LEP found out that he was alive, then the commander would make it his personal mission to put him behind bars. He didn't have much choice.

'OK, human. I'll do this job. But no partnership. One job only, then I disappear. I feel like going straight for a couple of decades.'

'Very well. It's a bargain. Remember, if you ever change your mind, there are many socalled impregnable vaults in the world.'

'One job,' insisted Mulch. 'I'm a dwarf. We work alone.'

Artemis took a plan sheet from a tube, spreading it on the table.

'That's not strictly true, you know,' he said, pointing to the first column on the sheet. 'The tiara was stolen by dwarfs, and they have been working together for several years. Very successfully too.'

Mulch crossed the room, reading the name above Artemis's finger.

'Sergei the Significant,' he said. 'I think someone has an inferiority complex.'

'He's the leader. There are six dwarfs in Sergei's little band, collectively known as the Significants,' continued Artemis. 'You are to be the seventh.'

Mulch giggled hysterically. 'Of course, why not? The seven dwarfs. This day started off badly, and my beard hair tells me that it's about to get a whole lot worse.'

Butler spoke for the first time. 'If I were you, Mulch,' he said in his deep gravelly tones, 'I'd trust the hair.'

Holly was out of the spa as soon as she had hosed the algae from her skin. She could have taken a shuttle back to Haven, then caught a connecting flight, but Holly preferred to fly.

Foaly contacted her on her helmet intercom as she skipped across the Mediterranean wave tops, trailing her fingers in the spume.

'Hey, Holly, did you get that hoof cream?'

Holly smiled. No matter what the crisis, Foaly never lost sight of his priority: himself. She dipped the flaps on her wings, rising to a hundred feet.

'Yes, I got it. It's being couriered down. There was a buy one get one free deal on. So expect two tubs.'

'Excellent. You have no idea how hard it is to get good moisturizer below ground. Remember, Holly, this is between us. The rest of the guys are still a bit old fashioned when it comes to cosmetics.'

'Our little secret,' said Holly reassuringly. 'Now, do we have any idea yet what Artemis is up to?'

Holly's cheeks reddened at the mere mention of the Mud Boy's name. He had kidnapped her, drugged her and ransomed her for gold. And just because he'd had a change of heart at the last minute, deciding to let her go, didn't mean all was forgiven.

'We don't know exactly what's going on,' admitted Foaly. 'All we know is that they must be up to no good.'

'Any video?'

'Nope. Audio only. And we don't even have that any more. Fowl must have disconnected the mike. All we have left is the tracker.'

'What are my orders?'

'The commander says to stick close, plant a bug if you can, but under no circumstances make contact. That is Retrieval's job.'

'OK. Understood. Surveillance only, no contact with the Mud Boy or the dwarf.'

Foaly opened a video window in Holly's visor, so she could see the scepticism on his face. 'You say that as if the very idea of disobeying an order is unheard of for you. If I remember correctly, and I think I do, you've been on report a dozen times for ignoring your superiors.'

'I wasn't ignoring them,' retorted Holly. ‘I was taking their opinions under advisement. Sometimes only the officer on the spot can take the proper decision. That's what being a field agent is all about.’

Foaly shrugged. 'Whatever you say, Captain. But if I were you, I'd think twice before going against Julius on that one. He had that look on his face. You know the one.’

Holly termininated the link with Police Plaza, need to explain further. She knew the one.

CHAPTER 4: Showtime

The Circus Maximus. Wexford Racecourse. Southern Ireland.