“Watch it,” snapped Butler, drawing breath once more and shooting the ninjas the evil eye. “I need a minute of family time.”
Something flickered in the corner of Butler’s vision, moving with blurred, jittery speed. His left hand automatically shot out to grab the jade ring that was braided into his sister’s blond ponytail.
“Wow,” said Juliet. “No one’s ever done that before.”
“Really?” said Butler, dropping the jade ring. “No one?”
Juliet’s eyes widened behind her mask. “No one except . . . Brother, is that you?”
Before Butler could reply, Juliet sidestepped and pole-axed with her forearm a ninja who may have been sneaking up on them, or may in fact have been trying to escape from what had become the ring of real pain as opposed to the ring of convincingly faked agony.
“Didn’t you guys hear this man? We need family time!” The ninjas shrank back against the rope, whimpering.
Even Samsonetta seemed a little concerned.
“Brother, I’m in the middle of a grudge match. What are you doing here?” asked Juliet.
It might have taken many people a few more minutes before they realized something was amiss, but not Butler. Years of protecting Artemis Fowl had taught him to catch the penny before it dropped.
“Obviously you didn’t send for me. We need to leave so I can figure things out.”
Juliet’s bottom lip hung sulkily, transporting Butler ten years into the past, when he’d forbidden her to shave her head.
“I can’t just go. I’ve got fans expecting me to do cartwheels and give you the signature move.”
It was true. The Jade Princess’s camp was bouncing on their benches, baying for Crazy Bear’s blood.
“If I just leave, there could be a riot.”
Butler glanced up at the giant screen suspended from the ceiling and saw a close-up of his own head looking up at the screen, which was enough to give anyone a headache.
A voice boomed from four old-fashioned conical speakers wired to the corners of the overhead screen.
“Who is this guy, folks? Is it Crazy Bear come to take down his old enemy, the Jade Princess?”
Juliet stuck out her chin. “Max. Always looking for the angle.”
“Juliet, we don’t have time for this.”
“Whoever it is,” continued Max, “we’re not just going to let him walk out of here with our princess, are we, amigos?”
Judging by the loud and sustained reaction, the paying customers did not take to the idea of Crazy Bear simply walking out with the princess. The language was florid, and Butler could have sworn that the walls were shaking slightly.
Butler took three quick steps to the side of the ring and wagged his finger at a little man holding a microphone.
He was surprised when the little man jumped up on the table, stamped on his own hat, then shouted into the mike.
“You’re threatening me, Crazy Bear? After all I’ve done for you? When those forest rangers found you living with the grizzlies, who took you in? Max Schetlin, that’s who. And this is how you repay me?”
Butler tuned out the rant. “Okay, Juliet. We need to get out of here now. We do not have time for this.
Someone wanted me out of the way. Possibly someone who has a grudge against Artemis.”
“You need to be an awful lot more specific than that, brother. Artemis has more enemies than you, and you have quite a few at the moment.”
It was true. The crowd was turning ugly—a lot of it was fake ugly, but Butler’s keen eye spotted scores of wrestling fans in the front rows who looked ready to storm the ring.
I need to make a statement, he thought. Show these people who’s boss.
“Outside the ring, Jules. Right now.”
Juliet did what she was told without complaint. Butler had that look on his face. The last time she had seen that look, her brother had punched his way through the hull of a Somali pirate’s stolen yacht, sinking the vessel in the Gulf of Aden.
“Don’t hurt Samsonetta,” she ordered. “We’re friends.”
Butler shook his head in disapproval. “Friends? I knew you two were faking.”
Samsonetta and the ninjas were busy throwing shapes in the far corner of the ring. They stamped, punched, and threatened without actually attacking.
When Juliet was safely outside the ropes, Butler turned to his own corner and threw his shoulder into the pad covering the post. The impact rattled the post in its housing.
“Crazy Bear really is crazy,” crowed Max. “He’s beating up the ring. Are you going to stand for that, ninjas? This man is defiling the very symbol of our sporting heritage.”
Apparently the Ninja Squad was prepared to accept a little defiling of their symbol if it meant not being attacked by the man mountain who had taken their pyramid apart with no more effort than a child knocking down a house of cards.
Butler hit the post again, this time smashing it right out of its socket. He hefted the metal pole, stepped underneath the ropes, and began to twist the ring in on itself.
This move was so unprecedented that it was several seconds before anyone could appreciate what they were seeing. In years to come the maneuver would become known as the wringer and would elevate the real Crazy Bear, who was passed out drunk in the back alley, to the status of luchador superstar.
Even Max Schetlin’s tirade dried up as his brain tried to process what was actually going on.
Butler took advantage of the stunned stillness to quickly spin the corner post half a dozen times, popping another two supports from their housings.
This is not as difficult as it looks, mused Butler, catching sight of himself on the giant screen. This entire ring is little more than an inverted tent. A well-fed teenager could pull it down.
He gathered the three posts in his arms, twirling them deftly, drawing the ring tighter and tighter.
A couple of the ninjas had enough presence of mind to skip out while they could, but most stood slack-jawed, and a couple who believed themselves to be dreaming sat down and closed their eyes.
Butler nodded at Samsonetta. “Out you go, miss.”
Samsonetta actually curtsied, which was totally out of character, and ducked under the rope, along with one ninja who was sharp enough to recognize a reprieve when he saw one. The rest of the crew was pressed closer together as Butler wound the rope tight. Every twist brought groans from the coils of old rope and from the people trapped inside. The crowd was beginning to realize what was happening, and they began to cheer with every twist. Several were gleefully calling for Butler to squeeze the air from the ninjas’ lungs, but the bodyguard was content merely to crush them together like passengers on the London Tube at rush hour. And once they were powerless to move, he shuffled them to the side of the ring and planted the pole back in its housing.
“I’m going now,” he said. “And I advise you all to stay put until I am out of the country, at the very least, because if you don’t, I will be very unhappy.”
Butler did not have the magical power of the mesmer, but his voice was extremely persuasive nevertheless.
“Okay, Bear, take it easy,” said the only ninja sporting a white head scarf, possibly the leader. “You’re straying way off script. Max is going to go nuts.”
“You let me worry about Max,” Butler advised. “You worry about me worrying about you.”
The ninja’s frown was obvious through the folds of his scarf. “What? Who should I worry about?”
Butler ground his teeth. Dialoguing was not as easy as the movies would have a person believe.
“Just don’t move until I’m gone. Got it?”
“Yep. You should have said that.”
“I know.”
From a bodyguard’s perspective, there were so many things wrong with this situation that Butler almost despaired. He turned to his sister.
“Enough of this. I have to go somewhere and think. Somewhere with no Lycra.”
“Okay, Dom. Follow me.”
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Butler stepped down from the platform. “If you could stop bandying my name about. It’s supposed to be a secret.”
“Not from me. I’m your sister.”
“That may be. But there are thousands of people here, and half as many cameras.”
“It’s not as if I said the whole name. It’s not as if I said Dom-o—”
“Don’t!” warned Butler. “I mean it.”
The stage door was a mere twenty yards away, and the familiar rhythms of family bickering warmed Butler’s heart.
I think we’re going to make it, he thought in a rare moment of optimism.
Which was when the picture on the big screen was replaced by a giant pair of glowing red eyes. And although red eyes are usually associated with nasty things like vampires, chlorine burn, and conjunctivitis, these particular red eyes seemed friendly and infinitely trustworthy. In fact, anyone who gazed into the fluid swirling depths of these eyes felt that all their problems were about to be solved, if they just did what the owner of those eyes told them to do.
Butler inadvertently caught sight of the eyes in his peripheral vision but quickly tucked his head low.