‘Avoiding talking about Liam didn’t seem right to me.’ The words spilled over her lips before she thought about them.
Tom’s face darkened. The fingers holding the wine glass tightened, putting the narrow stem at risk. ‘I thought we’d agreed we didn’t have a manual on grief.’
The shutters came down over his eyes.
She searched her mind for a safer subject and returned to their previous topic. ‘Where did the idea for a paediatric hospital come from? I never guessed you wanted something like this.’
The glass turned slowly in fingers that were beginning to relax. ‘The system used by hospital boards across the country for seeing patients is, of necessity, slow and tedious. Appointments are made months away, and then a high percentage of people don’t keep them, which makes for wasted time and lots of sick people going without treatment for far too long.’
‘But surely you have just as many patients not making their appointments here?’
‘Very few, in fact. Possibly because our approach is more personal. I’ve tried to make the system more user-friendly, accommodating everyone’s needs. I’m talking costs, transport, having family staying while a child is in hospital.’ He sipped his wine.
‘I’d have thought the one thing wrong with being in Hanmer Springs is the distance from big cities and the greater population base.’
‘The other way round, in fact. Everyone loves coming here. All the outdoor activities are an added attraction, which some families take advantage of during or after their stay with us. The hot pools are always popular, too. As for initial consultations, I go to Christchurch and Dunedin, taking specialists with me if necessary, and for those that can’t afford to travel here Social Welfare helps out.’
‘Funding must be a constant battle.’ Fiona flicked her finger and thumb. ‘I wish I’d known earlier. I could’ve helped in that respect.’
‘Thank you, but that’s the main reason you never knew about this idea. You would’ve wanted to coerce your father into backing me financially, and I’d have had to fight you all the way. It was my dream, and I wanted to keep that alive, not have to argue with you all the way.’
She opened her mouth to protest, but he was right. She would have tried to take over. That was how she’d done things back then.
‘Anyway, we weren’t ready for such a big project. We’d only been married two years. We had a baby to think about. I was prepared to wait a few years.’
‘This was your big dream, your life’s ambition, and you didn’t share it. I do understand why, but—’ She shook her head at him. She couldn’t ignore the hurt that he hadn’t told her.
The look in her eyes must have unsettled him. He rose from his chair and lifted the wine glass to his mouth, drained it. ‘Look, Fiona, I’ve got to go across to the office. There are some urgent letters waiting for me to sign. Not to mention a stack of paperwork.’
He was getting away from her. No doubt he thought she was about to get stuck into him about not showing any faith in her. What he didn’t know was that despite her hurt she agreed with him. He’d done the right thing for himself.
He said in a conciliatory tone, ‘I’ll see you in the morning. Eight o’clock start.’
She nodded. ‘That’s what this place is all about—looking out for as many children as possible.’
‘That and trying to prevent as many parents as possible having to deal with the agony and anguish you and I suffered when we lost Liam.’
When the front door had closed behind Tom she sat, staring blankly at the wall of photos. That went well, Fiona. You really wound the man up. Why did you have to attack him? Now he’ll avoid you as much as possible. A fat lot of good that’ll do to your chances of righting the wrongs of the past. And now you’re on your own for the rest of the evening. There have been too many long, lonely nights for you to welcome another one.
Fiona stepped back from the operating table the next day and placed her hands on the small of her back, arching backwards to relieve the dull ache that had set in an hour ago. She’d done four operations since daybreak. ‘What an amazing set-up you’ve got here. I haven’t worked in such a modern operating theatre for years, if ever.’
‘Not bad, is it?’ Tom looked around the room with pride, as though seeing it for the first time.
She liked that he could still get a buzz out of it. ‘Not bad? You don’t know you’re alive. The best bit is the lack of flies.’
‘Flies? You are joking!’ Kerry exclaimed as she stood up from her equipment, stretching her arms.
‘Unfortunately not.’ She shuddered. ‘I never got used to them.’
‘Who were you working for abroad?’ Kerry asked.
‘While I finished qualifying in London I kept hearing about Global Health. GH is dedicated to taking specialist healthcare to countries where many less fortunate people would otherwise never get the help they need. There were some glowing reports about the work their teams were doing, and those eventually made me feel working for GH would be right for me.’
She’d felt restless and unmotivated about her future. Initially Global Health had been an opportunity to move around without tying herself into a long-term contract.
She continued, ‘They sent me to Romania, Indonesia, and lastly to Pakistan.’
‘I admit to being a little surprised when I read that in your CV.’ Tom’s wide-eyed stare made her want to chuckle. ‘You really did reinvent yourself.’
‘Just a tad.’ A wry smile twisted her mouth. Tom’s comments were nothing new. Many people said the same thing—especially people who’d known her when she’d lived in the lap of luxury in Auckland.
Fiona fully understood. When she’d left Tom she’d had no intention of spending her career in places where hot showers, soft beds and good food were not an option. They were comforts she’d taken for granted. No, she’d been destined to be the best plastic surgeon in private practice.
‘You worked in a plastic surgery team?’ Kerry asked.
‘No, each team consists of six to eight different specialists. Cardiology is one of the most common specialties catered for, but they can use just about any specialist.’ Fiona thought about the doctors in her team. ‘Paediatricians are always in demand. The children in poor countries have some horrendous illnesses, and usually they have no option but to tough it out. Or die.’ Which many of them did. She’d never got used to that. There were nights she’d lie awake feeling the mothers’ agony.
Above his mask, Tom’s eyes were thoughtful. ‘How did you deal with those deaths?’
‘By operating on as many other people as possible. It was never enough.’ He’d know what she meant by that. He’d also know none of those children she’d helped had brought Liam back to her.
‘What were the hospitals like that you worked in?’ Tom asked. ‘Pakistan has some good ones, but I don’t know much about the other countries you mentioned.’
‘You’re right, there are some great hospitals in most of the countries I went to, but for the Global Health teams hospitals weren’t always an option. Certainly we didn’t work in the big modern ones. Often we had the use of a hall or a school, occasionally tents. Power could be erratic. I’ve had to finish suturing under torchlight but I don’t recommend it.’
There had been a lot of wonderful aspects about the job, but now standing here in this ultra-modern theatre, the last three years of her life seemed impossibly remote. As though she’d been working on Mars. And she didn’t know at the moment how she felt about going back to Global Health after her leave was up. The thought of not returning at all had slipped into her mind a couple of times. She didn’t really know what she wanted to do.
Was she subconsciously moving on from that nomadic lifestyle? Looking to settle in one place? Make a home for herself? Automatically she looked to Tom and found his piercing gaze still fixed on her. A huge question filled those eyes, one she couldn’t read. What did he want from her?
She’d forgotten they weren’t alone until Kerry
interrupted her distracted thoughts with, ‘So, the equipment you used would be fairly basic?’
‘Absolutely—which is why, while I’m in New Zealand, I intend applying pressure to every hospital board in the country for any so-called obsolete equipment they have lying around forgotten in cupboards and storerooms.’
‘Are you going back to your job with this organisation?’ Tom asked, his expression remote, his shoulders tense.
‘My contract has expired but I can pick up a new one whenever I’m ready. GH has a policy of enforcing staff to take leave at the end of three years if they haven’t taken any sooner. It’s not a normal way of life, and they find their staff suffer burnout otherwise.’ Which didn’t give him a yes or a no. How could she tell him something she didn’t know yet? Incredibly, a strange sense of belonging had been slowly creeping over her ever since first setting eyes on Tom yesterday. Like a missing piece falling back into place.
She’d loved wandering from country to country, village to village, but at this very minute, in this hospital, doubts were bombarding her. Seeing the haven Tom had created for himself within his hospital seemed to be cultivating a deep need within her for roots, a place to call her own.
Unfortunately a divorce would be the logical next step. Odd that neither of them had ever instigated one. Goosebumps lifted her skin. Did she want one now? Deep down, she didn’t think so. Did Tom want one?
Thankfully Kerry again interrupted her thoughts. ‘I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going to lunch.’
Fiona decided to go later. ‘I’m going to pop up and see Sophie first. She should be wide awake by now.’