‘It’s an impressive one.’
‘I know. It’s nothing like what you’d have expected of me. I surprised myself sometimes. There were days working for Global Health when the temperatures were in the forties, and exasperating equipment malfunctions were undermining our hard work, and I’d look around, wondering what I was doing. But if someone had come up to me with a ticket out, even at the worst times I’d never have taken it. I really believed in what I was doing. It has to have been the most rewarding work I’ve ever done.’
Tom shook his head and smiled back. ‘It does seem a little odd to imagine you in such extreme conditions. I admire you. I’m sure you’re downplaying the hard times.’
‘Surprised?’ She raised an eyebrow. She hadn’t been known for her lack of forthrightness about herself. It just went to show that people sometimes could change. She’d had enough hard knocks to instigate a mammoth makeover.
The cold air sent a shiver through her body. Not so long ago they’d been kissing and her blood had been boiling. Tightening the quilt around her, she snuggled closer to Tom. Again she thought she really shouldn’t be here in Tom’s bedroom, lying on his bed with him. Their relationship wasn’t like that now. Her smile faded as sadness enveloped her.
Tom must have sensed her change of mood. Or he’d realised the same thing at the same time as she had. They’d always had an uncanny ability to read each other’s minds. Whatever the reason, he now sat up straighter and swung his legs over the edge of the bed, rested his forearms on his thighs.
‘How often have you been home since you left for London?’
His question startled her. ‘This is the first time.’
His eyes widened. ‘Really?’
‘I may have found a focus for my life but I’d still lost Liam and you. I didn’t feel I belonged here any more.’
‘What about your father?’
‘It was time to do what was right for me, not something designed to get Dad’s attention.’
‘That must have been interesting,’ Tom drawled. ‘How’d he take that?’
‘He refused to believe I’d waste my training on “the poor people of the world”. Dad’s words, not mine. When he couldn’t change my mind about who I worked for, he tried a different tack. You wouldn’t believe the offers I received for partnerships.’
Tom frowned. ‘Wouldn’t I?’
‘Okay, maybe you would. But once the message clanged home that I wasn’t taking up any of those offers he turned off the money supply into my bank account. Figured that would have me racing back so fast I’d have passed a meteor on the way.’
‘You didn’t?’
She had to chuckle at the amusement in Tom’s voice. ‘I knew you’d have a problem believing that one.’
Until then her father had always given her a very substantial allowance. He was a wealthy man, and in his book wealthy men provided well for their families.
She added, ‘After that Dad changed. It’s as though he respects me for who I am now, not who he wanted me to be. I’m still a little cautious around him, but we’re getting on a lot better these days.’
‘Which is all you ever wanted from him in the first place.’
I like this Fiona, Tom thought as he absorbed yet another change in her. She was intriguing him with her new attitude to life.
These past days of working together, sharing his cottage, had given him the feeling of how it had used to be when he and Fi were married. Cosy, even fun. He liked coming home at the end of a busy day to find Fiona already there, pottering around in the kitchen. It wasn’t the meals she prepared, it was the company. In particular her company.
Careful, he warned himself. Remember you swore that you’d never, ever, let Fiona near your heart again. No matter what.
True, but she is different, his heart argued.
Which is good, but I once loved the old Fiona. Look what happened there. I’m too vulnerable to the depth of love we shared. It hurts too much when it goes wrong, and there are no guarantees it won’t happen again.
Coward. His heart had the last word.
Chapter Eight
‘DID you ever forgive me for Liam’s death?’ Fiona whispered.
‘What?’ Tom’s jaw dropped as shock slammed into him. Fiona had blamed herself for Liam’s death? No way! ‘You can’t have blamed yourself for what happened. What could you have done to save him? It was cot death, for pity’s sake. No one can prevent that. It creeps in and steals life,’ Tom choked. His heart pounded painfully against his ribs.
‘I always blamed myself. Surely you knew that?’ Her eyes were huge in her pale face. ‘What if I hadn’t put him on his right side, knowing that he tended to roll over? Or what if I’d sat with him a little bit longer that night? He’d been colicky earlier in the evening. Had I missed him crying out in his sleep? Anything—everything—that could possibly have happened, even an uneven breath, I wish I’d been in Liam’s bedroom to know about it.’
‘If only I’d known you felt like that.’ He’d have tried to save her a whole heap of anguish. But he hadn’t known—because he hadn’t listened. He had let her down, big-time. Would she ever forgive him? Maybe if he explained his feelings of help-lessness back then, how he’d been trying to save her some grief.
Tom stood up and lifted Fiona into the bed and climbed in beside her, tugging the bedcovers over them. He lay down along her back, hooked am arm over her waist and held her against him. He tried to warm her as she shook continuously.
‘Listen to me, Fi. Never did I blame you. No one can predict Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Nor can they save their baby from it. SIDS is widely written up by every expert under the sun. Not one of them purports that parents should sit with their babies every second of their lives. As hard as it is to accept, it happens.’
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘But I had to find a reason, and the only one I could come up with was that I’d done something wrong. I’m a doctor. I should’ve noticed something.’
‘Put it like that and it’s worse for me. I’m a paediatrician. Children, babies, are my specialty. I spent months reading every article I could get my
hands on, but I’d always known the vagaries of the syndrome.’ Which hadn’t helped one iota.
‘Did you ever? Blame yourself, I mean.’
‘Of course I did—for a damned long time. But eventually I saw reason. I’ve seen enough distraught parents of babies who’ve died of SIDS to know that they’re the first to blame themselves, and that they’re invariably wrong. They couldn’t have prevented it and neither could we. Doctors aren’t immune to these things.’
‘Thank you. I’m glad I came here this week, even if I’ve disturbed you. This is something we needed to share.’ Her voice sounded clogged with tears.
He held her tight for a moment, remembering how they’d used to lie like this to go to sleep every night. And how invariably Fiona would fall asleep and, as she relaxed, start poking him with her elbow, tapping him with her heels. Even in sleep she’d been restless. He nibbled his bottom lip. He’d loved those moments with her. He’d missed her so much when she’d gone away. Not just for the big things, but the little things that were special between couples.
Tom flipped onto his back, shuffled sideways, putting a space between them. They were getting way too cosy. Lying in his bed, holding her in his arms was dangerous, no matter that they were fully clothed. The situation fogged his mind, blanked out reality. Which was what? That they were no longer a couple. That he still cared for her, but there could be no future for them together. Their marriage had failed first time round. What could possibly make it work if they tried again?
Did he want to try? Was he afraid to try? Yes. And yes.
Fiona rolled the other way and sat up to lean back against the pillows. Had she felt the same danger?
‘Did you really never wonder where I’d gone? Try to follow me?’
‘At first I kept thinking you’d be back, that I had to give you the space you so obviously wanted. But as time went on and you didn’t return I began to accept you didn’t love me any more.’ He’d waited endlessly, stubbornly refusing to go after her, wrongly thinking she had to make the first move.