How could she have been so stupid? She wasn’t on the pill; there’d never been a need. But what about condoms? Surely Tom had some tucked away somewhere? Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he’d never needed them.
None of this conjecture changed a thing. They hadn’t used protection. Both times. What if—?
Dressed and towelling her hair, she made her way into the kitchen, her mind working overtime as she thought through her change of heart.
She got a shock. At the bench, Tom stirred milk into a cup of coffee. ‘Want one?’ he asked, without turning round.
When had he arrived?
‘Tea, please.’ Had it occurred to Tom that they’d been careless last night?
‘Thanks for talking to Shaun’s parents. I just missed you.’
‘No problem. Those two are very strong when it comes to handling bad news.’
‘Unfortunately they’re getting plenty of practice.’
Staring at the wall opposite her, Fiona spoke softly. ‘Have you ever thought what it would be like to have another child?’
He didn’t answer.
‘Tom? It’s just that…well, recently I have.’ Very recently. ‘I’d love a family of my own. I miss Liam, and I’ll never forget him, but I’m ready to have more children.’
‘Why are you telling me this?’
Momentarily stuck for words, she toyed with the button on her blouse. Why couldn’t he just answer her question?
She knew she’d be leaving soon, that there was no place for her here, so she couldn’t waste this opportunity. There wasn’t the luxury of time to let Tom get used to having her around.
‘We didn’t use any protection last night. It’s very unlikely that I’ve conceived—it’s the wrong time of the month—but I can’t help thinking what if I have?’
Again Tom said nothing.
‘If I am pregnant, how would you feel, Tom?’
His eyes met hers, unfathomable, intense. ‘I’m not sure. But I do think we’d better hope you’re not. Now is not the time for us to be bringing a child into the world. Hell, Fiona, we haven’t even discussed what we both want in the future, and you’re talking about having a baby.’
‘The baby thing is pure conjecture at the moment.’ She hesitated, suddenly terrified he wouldn’t want to be a part of her life again, and yet needing to tell him how she felt towards him. She leapt in before fear could paralyse her completely.
‘I came here thinking I’d be able to apologise to you for the terrible way I treated you when I left, and then we could patch up our differences and put the past behind us. I hoped that then we would be able to get on with our lives, knowing that we could bump into each other occasionally and there’d be no bad feelings between us any more. I even presumed we’d discuss a divorce. But being here with you, talking and laughing with you, crying with you, sharing meals, your cottage, making love—Tom, I don’t want to go away. Is there any chance we could try again?’
He must be able to hear her heart thudding. They’d hear it in the village. Cold sweat slithered down her spine. She’d blown it. Tom wasn’t ready. She’d acted as she’d used to, forcing something on him when he didn’t want to hear it. Why hadn’t she learned to keep quiet?
Because she loved Tom, and if she didn’t tell him he’d never know.
‘Fiona, I don’t know—’
Wild pounding on the front door startled both of them.
‘What the—?’ Tom strode down the hall as the door crashed open.
‘Tom, where are you? Maddy’s had an accident. She fell off the bunk and hit her head. She’s unconscious and bleeding. Kerry needs you to come. Now.’ Craig stood on the doorstep, shaking violently. ‘Maddy’s bad, Tom.’
Fiona’s heart lurched. Oh, no. Not one of the twins. They had to help—now.
All the colour had drained out of Tom’s face, but he was already halfway out of the cottage. ‘Let’s go.’
‘I’m coming, too.’ Fiona raced out behind the men.
As Tom leapt into the front seat of Craig’s vehicle he shouted over his shoulder. ‘No! I need you to stay here and cover any calls from the hospital. In case there’s an emergency.’
‘Right.’ She stared after the car’s tail-lights, wanting to be in that vehicle with Tom more than anything in the world. To help Maddy, to buoy up Kerry and Craig. To support Tom.
Trudging back inside, she slowly clicked the door shut and made her way through to the kitchen. Fear for Maddy squeezed at her muscles. What if her injuries were so bad she didn’t recover? Or worse. Craig and Kerry would be going through sheer hell right now. She knew all about that.
So did Tom. How would he cope? Being there, seeing Maddy injured? Of course his training would kick in, and he’d do everything within his power to save his goddaughter. But afterwards? That was when all the anguish would come pouring through him, tightening his gut, tormenting him.
And there was nothing Fiona could do except sit here and wait, ready to help if called. Would Tom bring Maddy back to the hospital? Or would they go straight to Christchurch and the experts available there? Would they need those experts?
She went back to haul open the front door and peer up at the sky. Stars sparkled at her. At least the helicopter would be able to get through.
Inside, she picked up the phone. She had to know what was happening. She dropped the phone down again and hugged herself tight. A phone call would be a distraction, definitely not welcome. Not even if it was offering Tom comfort. He was with his closest friends. They’d all support each other.
Glaring around the cottage, she battled the loneliness threatening to swallow her. If anything had become obvious by now it was that she didn’t belong in Tom’s life. He didn’t need her.
There—she’d answered her own question. Whether Tom had considered having another child or not, it wasn’t going to be with her.
Damn it, she’d basically told him how she felt about having his baby and he’d not said a word. He hadn’t taken her in his arms and said that everything would be all right. That they’d work out what to do together if the need arose. He hadn’t told her that he wanted a family. Or not.
He hadn’t told her anything. Fiona, I don’t know.
What didn’t he know? How to tell her he had no intention of getting back with her? That he never wanted another child? She’d spilled her feelings and got nothing back.
Which left her where, if she turned out to be pregnant? Having only just come round to thinking she’d love a baby, she certainly didn’t know what to think about having one on her own. Having a baby automatically included Tom in the picture. But what if he refused to be a part of another child’s life? A chill settled over her skin. She wouldn’t be able to handle that. She wasn’t strong enough on her own. She needed Tom there.
Overhead, the thumping blades of a helicopter broke through her miserable thoughts, and she went to watch it hovering over the village. So Maddy’s condition must be really bad. A long, slow breath slid out of her lungs, fogging before her in the cold air.
Please pull through, Maddy. Your mum and dad need you. So does your godfather.
As the helicopter lowered beneath the horizon she decided to go across to the hospital and see if she could find something to do. Anything to keep her mind busy.
But first she left a message on Tom’s cell phone. ‘Call me at any time of the night to let me know what’s happening. I’ll be waiting.’
The night crawled by. Fiona tried to push all thoughts out of her mind about what Kerry and Craig must be going through. But the past kept flipping up like cue cards. Liam. Not breathing. His little body too cool. The agony as the truth seeped into her consciousness. He’d gone. For ever. Tom holding her so tight she’d thought her bones would break, and not caring. Her endless tears. Tom’s endless tears. Tom trying to soothe her. Tom holding her against him all day, all night. Tom being there for her.
Tom was with Kerry and Craig, fully understanding their terror, their fears, and reliving the past t
oo. She wanted to be with him more than ever.
At six-thirty in the morning she tried his cell phone again.
‘Hi, you’ve reached Tom Saville’s phone. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.’
Click. Why leave yet another message? He hadn’t returned any of the previous five calls.