I clear my throat. "That's the Chinese interpretation of cherry blossoms. In Japan, they're considered a symbol of the transience of life."
"Right," Ashleigh says. "So something beautiful, delicate, and dramatic all at once."
Natalie nods and suppresses an eyeroll. It's fair. How can a dress be dramatic and delicate?
She brings over another dress.
It's optic white, heavy satin, and beaded all over. It sparkles like the sun.
Ashleigh shakes her head and waves it away.
"You look like Blake did that day at the department store," I say.
"God, that bad?" She offers Natalie a pleasant smile. "Kat, maybe you could explain what you want."
"I'm not sure. Something pretty." I rack my brain for the right words to describe a dress. If I want to be an artist, I'm going to have to get a hell of a lot better at design. I steal the words Blake used to describe me. "Something beautiful and understated."
Natalie pulls another dress off the rack. A strapless ball gown with a sweetheart neckline. The puffy skirt takes up half the room.
"That is the opposite of understated," Ashleigh says. She stares at her phone. Her brow furrows. "Excuse me."
Natalie shakes her head. "Would you like to try it on to get a feel for it?"
Not really. It's ugly. But trying it on is better than sitting here helplessly.
I nod okay and follow Natalie into one of the dressing stalls.
"Did you bring a long-line, honey?" she asks.
"A what?"
"We'll try it without a bra. Just to get a feel for it." She motions to the hooks on the wall. "Call me over when you're ready."
Okay. Getting almost all the way naked in front of a strange woman I've never met. That's normal.
I strip to my panties and leave my clothes on the floor. "I'm ready."
Natalie enters the room. "Turn around, sweetie." She helps me into the dress, zips me up, and clips the back so I'm squeezed in tight.
I glance in the mirror. The dress has a corset top. It's tight on my chest and waist and then poof—this is less like a skirt and more like a hemisphere. I trip over the organza on my way to the main room.
Ashleigh is back on the bench. She frowns with distaste.
Natalie shoots her a dirty look.
"Let's try something else," Ashleigh says. "Unless you like it, Kat."
I stare at my reflection. I look like a Disney princess gone very, very wrong. "It's not my favorite."
Natalie offers me another dress. This one is straighter. It has a slight flare just about the knee, a trumpet style I think.
I go back to the stall. Natalie undresses and dresses me. All I do is step in and out of the gowns.
I avoid the reflection until we're in the main room.
"Aw," Ashleigh squeals. "You look beautiful. And understated."
My eyes go to the mirror.
This dress is more my style. It's simple. No beading, no embroidery. Just a pretty lace with a flower pattern.
Ashleigh snaps a photo with her cell phone. She offers me a smile. "Why don't we try putting on a few accessories?"
"Okay." I stare at my reflection. I'm wearing a fucking wedding dress. I'm getting married. This is absolutely absurd.
It's an easy lie.
All I have to do is smile and act like everything is normal.
I let Natalie have her way with me. Veil. Necklace. Jeweled belt. Silver heels.
She turns me to the mirror, waiting for my smile. There's a way this is supposed to go. I'm supposed to jump and squeal and proclaim my eternal happiness.
I stare back at my reflection.
It's a beautiful dress.
I look beautiful in it.
But it doesn't feel right.
This doesn't feel right.
The bell dings. Door opens. "Hello."
Lizzy. She's here.
Normal. I have to act normal.
She wanders into the main room. Her eyes go wide when she spots me in the dress. "Oh my God, Kat. You look beautiful."
"Doesn't she?" Ashleigh studies her work with pride. "Lose the belt I think." She turns to me. "Do you like it?"
"It's nice," I say.
"Yeah, but do you like it? Is it the one?" Ashleigh asks.
Lizzy looks from Natalie to me. "It's really nice."
"It is," I agree.
"But it only matters what you think," Lizzy says. "It's your wedding, and you're in charge of what you wear."
"It's only a dress," I say. "And I've got it under control."
"Yeah. You always have it under control." Lizzy drops her backpack on the floor.
Is that an angry drop or a normal this is heavy one?
I don't know.
The dress is too tight. It's making it hard to breathe.
I reach for the zipper but Natalie stops me.
She motions to Ashleigh. "Can you help Miss Wilder change? I'll show—what's your name dear?" She offers her hand to Lizzy.
"Lizzy." My sister shakes hands with Natalie.
"Let's look at bridesmaid dresses, huh?"
"Okay. Unless you have that under control too, Kat."
I shoot Lizzy a death glare.
She knows how hard this is for me.
Why is she pushing me?
I move into the stall, but I can't get out of the dress. I knock. "A little help?"
Ashleigh joins me. She pulls the zipper down. "You really look beautiful."
"Thanks."
"Is there anything you want to talk about?" She lowers her voice to a whisper. "I've known Mr. Sterling a long time. He's… exacting."
"No, it's nothing. I'm just… This is moving really fast."
She nods. "He's a good man."
"He is."
"And he does care about you."
I step out of the dress. "What do you mean?"
"Your deal. He… I'm sorry. I thought you knew I knew." Her eyes soften. "Don't tell him I said anything."
"I won't."
"I've worked with him a long time. He's always been difficult." She grabs another dress. "But I've never seen him this demanding. He wants to make you happy. It's just… in his way."
She's right. I see the same thing.
But I'm not sure his way will ever make me happy. "I wish he wanted to make me happy in my way."
"If only men were that simple."
I nod. "Are they always this complicated?"
"I'm sure you know Mr. Sterling better than I do."
"Maybe."
She nods. "He is different when he talks about you." She zips the dress. "He really does care for you, Kat. Maybe it's not enough. But it's more than I've ever seen."
"You mean with other women?"
"He has me arrange some of his dates and weekends away. Not that he dates, exactly. It's more like—"
"No-strings-attached sex?"
"That's the impression I get." She pushes the door open. "Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
She leads me to the main room. "It's beautiful."
It is.
It's perfect.
I should be happy.
I should be crying.
God, if my mom were here, if I were really getting married, there would be major waterworks.
She would have loved this dress. It's gorgeous. A ball gown with a wide v-neck and a subtle flare. Lace sleeves go all the way to my wrists. There's a small bow right beneath the low v of the back.
It's perfect.
Ashleigh motions for me to twirl.
I do it.
I feel silly, but when I catch my dress whooshing in the mirror—
It's perfect.
I'm Cinderella getting dressed for the ball.
Ashleigh pins a veil to my hair and pulls its fabric behind my head.
There I am, the girl who will be standing at the altar opposite Blake.
A sob rises up in my throat. I try to push it down, but it won't go.
I wipe away a tear. An
other.
I shake my head. I'm okay.
I have to pretend these are happy tears.
I have to be able to handle this.
"Excuse me." I rush to the dressing room and slam the door shut behind me.
"Kat." Ashleigh knocks on the door. "Are you okay?" She lowers her voice. "I can get that champagne."
"I just need a minute."
She moves away from the door. I slink to my feet, pulling my knees into my chest the best I can. The full skirt is in the way. Not even this is going right.
They're talking in the main room. It's that loud whisper. The kind of thing my parents did when we were kids.
They go quiet. Footsteps move closer. Someone knocks on the door.
"Kat, can we talk?" Lizzy asks.
I push myself to my feet. Wipe the stray tears from my eyes. "Okay."
I open the door and Lizzy steps inside. She's wearing a long pink dress. She looks great, grown up. My little sister is going to be my maid of honor.
Another sob rises in my throat. This time, I don't push it away. That's a lost cause.
I wipe my tears. I try to smile like I'm happy.
"Don't bullshit me," Lizzy says.
I drop the smile.
Lizzy shakes her head. "This guy is tearing you to pieces."
"That's not true."
She lowers her voice to a whisper. "Does he even care that this hurts you?"
I wipe away a tear. There's no sign Blake cares. But Lizzy is being shortsighted. "It's for a lot of money. I can stand being miserable for a while."
"Does he know how you feel about him?"
"I don't feel anything."
"Don't lie to me. Or yourself." She stares into my eyes. "You deserve better than this."
"I can't leave him."
"Why not?"