I went off the rails when I lost them. My first foster home was full of other kids, so my foster parents barely even noticed I was alive, which was fine by me since it meant I could do whatever I wanted. The only thing that numbed everything was doing stupid shit that made me feel like crap about myself. Lost my virginity too young, drank way too much. Then after Dru died, I just stopped. I was moved to another foster home on the other side of town. They didn’t have much, but there was less kids there and one kid in particular who was pretty cool. She wanted a big sister though…” I sucked in breath, feeling the guilt wash over me all over again. “I didn’t want to be anything to anybody. She needed someone, and I didn’t give it to her. I don’t even know what happened to her after I left.” I shook my head regretfully and sighed. “When I was there, I went to a couple of parties over the years, not a lot. Always ended up with some guy I didn’t know or care to know.” I heaved a sick sigh. “Truth is, I went out on the same night every year. To a party, to a bar. It didn’t matter as long as it helped me forget. I’ve spent eight years burying my family, pretending they never existed, because yeah – like you said – it was easier to pretend I’d never had them, than to deal with how much it hurt to lose them. I realize now how unfair that was to them. To the memory of them.” I clenched my jaw to stem the tears, but they spilled over anyway, dripping onto Braden’s chest. “The one night I went out was the anniversary of their death. But I stopped doing that when I was eighteen. I went out that night and I went to a party and I can’t remember anything that happened after I arrived. I woke up the next day and I was naked in bed with two guys I didn’t know.”
Braden cursed low under his breath. “Jocelyn.”
He was belatedly angry I know. “Believe me, I’ve been there. I was furious at myself, violated, scared. Anything could have happened to me. And sexually…”
“Don’t.”
I stopped at his scary tone. “I got checked out and those guys hadn’t given me anything, thank God. But I never slept with anyone again. Until you.”
Another tight squeeze for that one.
“I might never stop fearing tomorrow, Braden,” I admitted calmly. “The future and what it can take from me, scares me. And sometimes I freak out, and sometimes my freak-outs hurt the people closest to me.”
“I understand that. I can deal with it. You have to trust me.”
“I thought you were the one with the trust issues,” I grumbled.
“I trust you, babe. You don’t see yourself the way I see you.”
I traced a little ‘J’ on his chest. “I do trust you. I just didn’t expect Ellie to lie to me, so I took her word as gold. I’m sorry.”
Braden let go of his breath. “I love you, Jocelyn. These last few weeks have been a nightmare for more reasons than one.”
I thought of the long-legged blonde that had put me through hell. “And Isla?”
“I swear I never slept with her.”
“Did anything happen?”
His chest froze beneath me.
“Braden?”
He sighed heavily. “Yesterday she kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back. I pushed her off and told her about you.”
I was silent a moment and then I replied decisively, “You have to fire her.”
Braden snorted. “Are you finally admitting you love me?”
“I can’t promise it’ll be easy, Braden. I’ll probably always be a little irrational about the future. I’ll worry a lot.”
“I told you I can handle it, babe.”
“Why?”
“Because…” he sighed, “You make me laugh, you challenge me, you turn me on like no else can. I feel like I’m missing something really important when you’re gone. So important I don’t feel like myself. I’ve never felt like someone was mine before. But you’re mine, Jocelyn. I’ve known that from the moment we met. And I’m yours. I don’t want to be anybody else’s, babe.”
I leaned up on my elbow so I could look him in the eye before I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and fell against him as his arms came around me to hold me close as he deepened the kiss. When I finally came up for air I was panting a little. I touched my finger to his lips, determined that one day I’d enjoy this contentment without worrying it would be taken from me. “Do you think you might be able to come to Virginia with me? To go through my parents’ things?”
His eyes smiled, and I can’t tell you what it did to me that I could make him that happy. “Of course. We’ll go whenever you want. But we’re coming back.”
I nodded. “I was only moving to Virginia because I thought you were moving into Isla.”
Braden grunted. “Nice.”
“You’re firing her right?”
He narrowed his eyes. “You just want me to fire her?”
“If I told you that Craig kissed me last night would you make me quit?”
“Point taken. I’ll find her a job elsewhere.”
“Elsewhere as in nowhere you work.”
“Christ, your bossy.”
“Uh, do you not remember dry humping me to a desk after Craig kissed me?”
“Again, point taken.”
I buried my head against his chest. “I thought I’d really f**ked up.”
He squeezed my nape. “We both really did. But that’s over now. From now on I’m completely in charge. I think we’ll have a lot less drama, and definitely no more breakups, if I’m in control of this thing.”