“What?” I snapped back. “What the hell is this, Derek? You dump me in a stairwell, and it’s like that never happened?”
He crossed his arms over his chest as he continued to stare at me. “What do you want me to say?”
“Not telling you about seeing your story and keeping quiet about Lizzie is so egregious that you’re going to treat me like shit?”
He dropped his gaze, not in guilt, but in annoyance. “I thought I could be in a relationship, and I can’t. That’s it. It didn’t feel right, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I’m sorry that I hurt you—”
“Are you out of your mind right now?” I snapped. “Losing your rocket, the memory of your mother’s death, my betrayal, and then whatever the fuck happened at that rehearsal dinner is enough to break us? I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to you. But you’re going to revert back in time to who you used to be when we first met? You said I was family. You took me to spend Thanksgiving with your family. You told my daughter you loved her. And all of that is just…insignificant? You’re really so weak that you break under the stress instead of rising above it? You’re so weak that you’re going to push me away instead of pulling me closer? This is really the kind of man you want to be?”
His eyes shifted away as he listened to everything I said. His hand moved to his jaw, and he rubbed his chin, letting the silence pass by.
I waited for the long pause to finish so I could get a response from him.
He dropped his hand and his gaze and stared at the table. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
He needed to take a long pause to tell me that? That he just didn’t care anymore? That he wasn’t spending his nights heartbroken like I was? “So, your response to trauma is not to feel anything at all? To just turn everything off and hurt someone worse than you’ve ever been hurt in your life? That’s the kind of coward you are?”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through—”
“Because you won’t tell me!” I raised my voice and came forward, so furious that I couldn’t sit still. “Tell me what happened, Derek. Tell me what happened with Tabitha and Kevin.”
He wouldn’t look at me. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”
“Wow.” I shook my head. “I’ve never thought you were an asshole, regardless of what you did, what you said, what you went through. But now…I do think you’re an asshole. You’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me, his eyes hard like that meant nothing to him.
“Derek, I’ve been patient and forgiving countless times. But if you keep up this bullshit for too long, you’re going to miss your opportunity to fix this. Don’t expect me to wait around until you pull your head out of your ass. I don’t care if you’re the love of my life. I deserve better than that, and if you aren’t going to be what I deserve, then I’ll move on.”
He was quiet for a long time, just regarding me.
I hoped the tough love would snap him out of this. I meant what I said, and it wasn’t a ploy to get his reaction. But I hoped it would light a fire under his ass and make him see reason.
His response was a knife to the heart. “I want you to keep working for me. You’re good at your job. But maybe we shouldn’t interact anymore. Ronnie can take you to work, and I’ll drive myself. We can communicate via email.” As if the conversation was over, he dropped his chin and returned to work.
It was fortunate that he looked down because my tears were uncontrollable. They welled up my eyes and spilled over my lashes and fell down my cheeks. I didn’t release a sniff or wipe them away. I turned around and walked off, not wanting him to see how he’d ripped me into pieces with his painful indifference.
I didn’t want him to see how he’d ruined me.
Not that he would care if he did know.
Lizzie read Derek’s book on the couch in front of the TV. “Mom? When are we going to see Derek next? I feel like we haven’t seen him in forever.”
I stayed in the armchair, feeling absolutely numb, the same way Derek must feel right now, like it was impossible to feel anything but this subtle state of raw depression. “He’s just been busy. We’ll see him soon.” I didn’t lie to my daughter to buy Derek more time. His cold dismissal told me he wasn’t going to snap out of this—ever. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her, to start talking about it, because I would burst into tears and sob in front of Lizzie.