And to make it worse…it was my fault.
Dad was quiet for a long time, just being with me on the phone. Then he spoke. “Son, I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t go out there…”
“Yes, you can.”
“I can’t go out there and tell my wife I killed her father—”
“You didn’t kill her father, Dex. You did everything you possibly could, but in the end, it was out of your hands. We all knew his odds were slim to begin with. There was too much damage to his heart. It wasn’t strong enough. This is not your fault.”
I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself, knowing I couldn’t hide in this office forever, that the conversation was inevitable because Allen was dead in the operating room and about to be taken to the morgue.
“You’ve just lost someone, Dex. Join us in the lobby so we can be there for you. We all love you, no matter what. No one will blame you for this—especially not Catherine.”
I nodded. “Okay…I’ll be right out.”
***
The second I stepped into the waiting room, Catherine was out of her seat so fast, walking to me like she’d been staring at that hallway for hours without blinking. Her mother and brother slowly rose to their feet, their faces relaxed like they assumed I had nothing but good news to share.
That made this so much worse.
Dad and Mom sat in the row of chairs behind them, Derek there as well, with his wife Emerson. Mom and Derek seemed to already know because they looked bleak and didn’t rise from their seats.
Catherine rushed to me, her hands moving to my forearms to latch on. “How’s he doing?” Her eyes searched my face, looking for an update on her father, assuming he was still asleep and recovering.
I inhaled a deep breath as I looked into her face, my hands gently grabbing her forearms too. My eyes were probably visibly puffy and irritated, but she didn’t notice right away because her thoughts were exclusively on her father. “Baby…” I dropped my chin because I couldn’t do this; I couldn’t say it.
Her hands relaxed on my arms, and she slowly pulled away.
I lifted my chin and faced her like a man.
Her eyes shifted back and forth frantically, reading my gaze and coming to the conclusion without needing to hear another word. She took a step back, her hands cupping her mouth as her eyes watered. “No…”
I took another deep breath and felt my eyes water. “I’m sorry—”
“Oh god.” She immediately collapsed to her knees on the floor, sobbing her eyes out as she bent forward, so devastated she couldn’t even stand any longer. “No. I can’t… No.” She clutched her chest and sobbed.
Her mother fell back into the chair where she’d been sitting and gripped her own chest like she might have a heart attack. Her eyes immediately watered, and she cupped her mouth, hyperventilating. Her brother stayed with his mother, his arm moving around her, but he had tears like everyone else.
Tears dripped down my cheeks as I watched a family break apart.
“Baby…” I kneeled and wrapped my arms around her, holding her to me as I cried with her. “I’m so sorry. I’m…sorry.” I directed her face in my chest and listened to her cry harder than she’d ever had in the whole time I’d known her.
Chapter Two
Dex
My perfect life had vanished.
The funeral came and went, but no amount of time would heal the wound of Allen’s death. Time slowed way down, and every moment felt like an eternity. The sun never shone, and conversations were always difficult. My mom told me the hard times would pass and things would be good again. Just had to be patient.
Catherine always looked lifeless, her eyes staring off at nothing in particular, even if the TV was on to watch her favorite show. She spent a lot of time at work, working as a lawyer at the nonprofit she was passionate about. My income allowed her to basically work for free, which made her much happier than being a corporate lawyer.
But now, she wasn’t happy anymore.
Six weeks had come and gone, and the woman I loved had become a ghost.
She didn’t lean on me for support.
She wanted nothing to do with me.
We hadn’t had sex since before her father passed away, and while sex wasn’t important right now, I missed the intimacy. I missed loving my wife and feeling her love me back.
I went to my brother’s place after work because I didn’t want to go home. She would be there, but I would be greeted with a dry kiss, disingenuous questions about my day, and then we would eat dinner in silence.
I sat with him at the dining table with my beer in front of me, wearing my blue scrubs because I had been at the hospital doing paperwork and patient rounds. My fingers gripped the base of my beer bottle, and I stared at the liquid inside.