Curvy Valentine Match

She opened her mouth a few times and closed it right away, unable to find the words she searched for. Then she started to blink, so fast that I knew she was fighting her emotions. Mara jumped up, horror on her face at the uncharacteristic display of emotion, and made a beeline for the bathroom.

Was that the wrong thing to do? It didn’t feel like it was wrong, it felt right. Whether either of us liked it or not, that’s how our lives had played out and she deserved my gratitude.

Mara deserved a hell of a lot more than my simple gratitude.

Five minutes later, Mara returned to the table, trying hard to hide her red eyes. “I’d like to go home now,” she said quietly. Primly.

Guess it was the worst thing to say.

Mara

“I don’t know why you called me to come over, but I assume this is a conversation that requires margaritas, so I brought margaritas.” Eva held up a flowered pitcher with a smile and shooed me back so she could come inside.

“I wouldn’t say it requires alcohol, but it might make all of this easier to talk about. Thanks.” I felt like I was being a drama queen about the whole damn thing, but twenty-four hours had passed and I still had no idea what to say or do after Xander’s words. “I made scallion pancakes and dumplings.”

Eva’s gray eyes widened in surprise. “This must be big if we’re crossing cuisines. Tell me everything.”

“Let’s just wait…there’s Joss now,” I said when the doorbell rang at the same time the front door opened. “I don’t want to talk about this at all, never mind more than once.”

“Knock, knock! I’m here and I come bearing chicken parmesan!” Joss voice rang out and I could hear her toeing off her shoes before she made her way to the kitchen. “There you are. Both of you.” Her brows dipped into a frown. “What’s wrong? Who died?”

“See? She’s a drama queen. You should’ve told me before Suzy Sunshine got here,” Eva whispered and then flashed a wide smile in Joss’ direction. “No one is dead. Yet.”

“Oh good.” Her shoulders fell in relief and a moment later, Joss spotted the pitcher of margaritas. “I’ll have one of those.” Joss grabbed three glasses and filled each of them, taking a healthy sip from her own with a loud smack of her lips. “Okay, what’s going on?”

It’s now or never.

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly before I reached for one of the remaining margarita glasses and took a long, fortifying sip. “Xander apologized.” I didn’t want to get into the whole story so gave them a quick rundown of the situation. “So, that’s where things stand.”

“Oh, wow. That is so romantic,” Joss cooed., hands clutched right over her heart.

I rolled my eyes at Joss and turned to Eva, who I was counting on to be more practical. “And how do you feel about this apology? Happy? Angry? Ready to drown your sorrows?”

“Honestly? I don’t know how I feel. I’m a little bit angry and kind of sad, but the truth is that’s exactly why I did it. I didn’t want Xander to get in trouble and ruin his future when I didn’t have one. Not really.” Back then, there was nothing I wouldn’t have done for Xander. No matter the reason.

“Did it help?” Joss stared at me with a wide, swoony smile on her face. “Do you feel any better, any differently about Xander?”

“Now that’s a complicated question,” I sighed and took another long sip of margarita. “I think we’re gonna need more of these.”

Eva stood and took the pitcher, holding I at her side as she stared down at me. “Only when you start actually saying something.”

“Fine. It’s not a question of whether I feel different or not, there will always be a piece of me that loves him, but I’m confused. I don’t know what I’m feeling, just that I’m feeling too much of it and I don’t know what to do about it.” My instinct was to retreat into myself and just ignore the world, but that didn’t feel like the right response this time. “So? Help.”

Those final words set Eva’s black pin-striped stilettos moving to make more margaritas, her gaze on mine the entire time, like a professional bartender. “This question is going to sound harsh but it needs to be asked. Do you want Xander, or don’t you?”

I absolutely wanted him, but I could barely admit that much to myself. “I. Don’t. Know.”

“That means yes,” Joss said in a sing-song voice and a cheesy grin on her face.

“Okay fine, I do, but how can I trust that feeling given how things played out the first time around?” That last time I believed, it took him away from me.