I didn’t realize you’d get hurt by that, Alex.”
“Too late, asshole. You go to bed too.”
“Yeah, yeah. Alex, we’ll finish the paper tomorrow night.” He chuckled. “Maybe at the library instead.”
I wanted to say something back. I wasn’t sure what. Maybe a reassurance or a question, I didn’t know, but I couldn’t. The emotions were too fresh and raw inside of me so I laid my head back down and stayed still. The agony that blasted me had lessened, just a bit, but enough so I wasn’t crying so loudly anymore. But when Jesse glanced down, his concern didn’t let up, and I felt more tears sliding down my face.
I wasn’t going to be normal. Ethan’s death had started the change, but my parent’s abandonment stamped it in place.
The realization sunk down, like an anchor to my soul. I knew, as Jesse turned and started down the stairs for the basement, that I would have to pretend to be normal from now on. People couldn’t see the mess inside of me. They’d want nothing to do with me.
When Jesse went to his room and put me on the bed, I knew he intended for us to sleep together that night. I couldn’t let that happen. He’d seen too much. He couldn’t see the rest, not when I was in this fragile of a state.
“Take me home.” My throat was hoarse.
“Stay. Please.”
I shook my head, more tears slipped free. “Take me home.”
“Alex,” he sighed. “I’m sorry. Is this because of before? I’m sorry I was so rough. I just—I’m sorry. I won’t do that again.”
“It’s not. It’s…” I hesitated. What answer would be accepted by him? “It’s because of Ethan. I want to go back and be alone.”
His arms tightened around me. “But that’s not what we did before. When it got too much, we were together. Remember?”
But we weren’t. Our old tradition had stopped when I left him in Vegas. Ethan’s anniversary passed by and I’d been alone from everyone at that time. Since coming to school, there was no routine for Jesse and me. Maybe this was the time to start the break. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt as much if we slowly faded our time together.
I shook my head as my heart was breaking. “I just want to go home.”
Expecting more of a fight from him, I was surprised when he gave in. He let me down to my feet and I followed as he took us out to his car. The ride to my dorm was quiet. And when he parked in the back lot, we waited until the hour mark before getting out. As he climbed out of his side, I looked over. “What are you doing?”
A thin smile graced his features. He tossed his keys in the air and caught them in a swift movement. “Oh. I brought you home. That’s fine and dandy.”
There was a but. I waited for it.
“But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse.”
“Nope. If it comes to it, I’m prepared to walk through the front lobby. I don’t care. And I certainly don’t care about keeping this secret anymore. I’m going up there with you, whether you want that or not.”
I glowered at him, but I couldn’t deny the pitter-patter my heart was doing in my chest.
“Alex.”
“Fine.” Glaring at him, I felt like baring my teeth. Why did he push me so much? Why did he care so much? “You always say I’m going to be the death of you, but it’s the other way around.”
He flashed me a perfect white smile.
“You’re going to be the death of me.”
“Yeah, well, I think Ethan would want us to be together.”
“That’s not what you said before.”
He shrugged, falling in step beside me as we went to the back stairway. He thumbed in the passcode from Kara and opened the door for me. His hand touched the small in my back as we started our way up the stairs. He murmured, bending close to my ear, “I think he would’ve come around and realized he was being stupid.”
“Is that so?”
His hand applied pressure on my back as he nipped at my earlobe. “I think so, yeah.”
We snuck into my room. When I took my caddie to the bathroom to get ready for bed, a tingle was spreading inside of me. It was tickling me, sending me into something that might’ve resembled being happy. But that wasn’t me and it wouldn’t last. This was the first night Jesse was sleeping in my room, in my bed, and I tried to tell myself this wasn’t a boyfriend/girlfriend deal. This was what we used to do. When we had an itch, we sought each other out.
Stepping back into the emptied and darkened hallway, I went to my room and then took deep breaths. I had tried to fade the relationship, or I started to try to fade us out. It hadn’t worked. Jesse just changed tactics, but I needed to remember the truth.
I was a mess. And he had no idea how much of a mess.
Closing my eyes for a moment, I took one more deep breath before I went inside. As I did, as I saw him waiting for me on my bed, with an easy grin on his face, I knew that he was going to learn how screwed up I was.
Was it too much to hope that he wouldn’t leave when he realized how broken and screwed up I was?
“I’m horny.” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. “Come on. Crying women speak straight to my loins, Alex.”
The last shred of resistance I had to him shattered.
I was in love with him. I had never stopped.
Jesse never pushed for the reason of my emotional breakdown at his home. He thought it was because how rough he’d been earlier. That time with him had touched me in ways he’d never know. He had energized me. He had made me feel alive, in ways that I hadn’t felt since before Ethan’s death. And that had also been the night when my floodgates were opened again. They’d been closed, but were gaping open once again.
I felt Ethan everywhere I went, but it was different. Instead of the grief from before, or the hole that he’d ripped in me, it was a better feeling. Maybe this was the acceptance stage of mourning. I didn’t know, but I did know I was still angry. Ethan shouldn’t have died. I shouldn’t have lost my brother. We should’ve still been a family.
The last part was still off-limits to me. I didn’t think about my parents. I couldn’t. Every time I did, the same hysteria and rage bubbled inside of me, but that had also changed after that night. I’d been shut off from what they had done to me. I was angry with them. Duh. That was a no-brainer and I didn’t need a therapist to tell me that, but I’d been numb to their damage. Since Jesse’s house, I couldn’t do that anymore.
I felt my rage towards them, but it was banked. It was always there, in the bottom of my gut. It was simmering but manageable. Because of that, I snapped at people more. Beth got it a few times when we had dinner in the cafeteria. Jesse got it too. Hannah just snapped back at me. It didn’t seem to faze her. The only benefit was that Jamie watched how he talked to me. I knew most of it was because of that time in the cafeteria, when I let him really see the storm warring inside of me, but I lashed out at him a few more times when we finished our project.
Cord was quiet around me. Jesse told me that Cord blamed himself for my outburst. It happened after his dig at Jesse so he figured two plus two equaled him. It didn’t. The truth was that I didn’t know why I snapped, but I had and things hadn’t been the same since. For me.
“This blows. Let’s go.”
Jerked back from my wandering thoughts, I stared across the table. Hannah threw her leg up on it and leaned back. Stretching her arms up and wide, she arched her back and sent a wink at a table of guys behind us.
“Shhh!”
She flipped off the girl, at the table beside us.
“Do not get us banned from the library,” Beth warned her cousin, slumped down in her own chair as she peeked over the edge of her book. “I need this place to survive the midterms this week.”
“Whatever. Robbie’s having a party. Who wants to go?”
I became engrossed with my laptop while Beth jerked back down underneath her book cover.
Hannah sighed in disgust. “You guys suck.”
Beth smirked back. “We may suck ri
ght now, but we’re going to have passing grades next week. You won’t and you’ll be crying your misery to me over a beer.”
“At least I’ll be drinking.”
“Drinking and failing. Do you want Tiffany to have more ammunition over you?”