“But it was important to her. Your boyfriend was off-limits, and for what it’s worth, I don’t think your sister enjoys sleeping around. She’s hurting.”
“I know,” she said quickly. “I know that. I just worry about her.”
I fell silent. My message had been given. It was up to her, whatever she did with it. I hoped she’d break up with him, but I didn’t at the same time. She’d probably focus even more on Jesse. Then we’d be back to being enemies and being enemies with Tiffany was exhausting.
“Thanks.” She tried to give me a smile. It didn’t quite make it. “For that, thanks.”
“No problem.”
Before she left, she said one more thing. “Your parents are assholes.”
“I know.”
Then she left me alone in the bathroom. Kara popped in a second later and gave me a hug. She wrapped her tiny arms around me and held me for a while. Pulling back, she brushed my hair back and took a deep breath. I saw the tears before she left as quietly as she appeared. When I followed behind, the house was silent. It was such a contrast from the shouting earlier. I heard giggling from the living room and turned the corner. Cord and his girl were on the couches. She was on his lap and he was tickling her so she’d squirm. Glancing up, his grin faded. “Hey.” The girl muffled her giggles. When it didn’t work, she pressed her arm into her mouth, but more split through the air as Cord must’ve continued to tickle her side.
“Hi.”
“So those were the parents, huh?”
“Yep.”
“For what’s it worth and from what I remember, your brother wasn’t treated any better.”
That got my attention. “What are you talking about?” But I knew something had gone on. Jesse let a little bit slip and now Cord. What had my parents done to him? Oh my god. An anchor dropped to the bottom of my stomach. Did it have anything to do with the reason he was in the car that night? Jesse said something about going somewhere, but he recanted. He said he didn’t want him with Barbie and those guys. But why was he with them in the first place? Was that because of my parents too? Were they pushing him too hard to be perfect? I took a calming breath, but it didn’t work.
“Nothing. You should talk to Jesse. He knew more about it than me.”
The girl started giggling again and fell to her side, off his lap. Cord twisted around her as he continued to tickle her. As I left the room, her feet were kicking in the air and she was shrieking in laughter, panting at the same time, “No, Cord. Stop. Oh, Cord. Don’t. Yes.”
His deep chuckle was the last I heard as I went downstairs and shut the door.
It was time. My secret was out. He now knew about my parents. I wanted to know his secret and I knew it was about my brother. I had every right to know. As I crossed the basement, his door was open and he was sitting on the edge of the bed. His elbows were resting on his knees. His head was down, but he looked up as he heard my arrival.
He’d been waiting for me.
I reached for the door, ready to pull it behind me as I stepped inside his room. But I stopped. My hand fell away from the handle and my gut dropped to my feet. Whatever Jesse had to say to me wasn’t going to be well received. I saw the warning in him and knew I was going to hate it, whatever it was. So I left the door open and leaned against the wall behind me now.
He stayed on the bed.
I stayed in the hallway.
It was time.
“Why didn’t you tell me about your parents?”
He looked down at the ground. My lips parted. Why was he looking down? Why wasn’t he looking at me? Alarms went off in me, but I pushed past it. He felt bad. That must’ve been it. He felt bad because he didn’t know.
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see that. He still wasn’t looking.
“Alex?” He looked up now.
I didn’t relax. He was still guarded. “What’s going on with you?” His eyes closed, but I saw the guilt. My voice rose. “What’d did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why do you feel guilty?” I stepped towards him, but stopped again. An invisible hand pushed down on my chest. I couldn’t go any closer. “What is going on right now?”
“Nothing.” Jesse stood now, but there it was again. Dread.
I saw it. I knew that’s what it was. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. I whispered as I looked away and pressed a hand to my mouth, “You were supposed to take me in your arms. You’re supposed to tell me that everything will be fine. You’re supposed to make it right.” At least that was how it was supposed to go in my fairytale dreams. Jesse saved me. He’d been there from the beginning. But that wasn’t how this was going? Doom settled in the bottom of my stomach. It was spreading all the way to my toes and I wanted to rewind time. I wanted to figure out where this started going wrong.
His voice wrung out, “You should’ve told me about them.”
“Why?” I gasped out.
Confusion flared over him. “What do you mean?”
“Why? You loved them. They were your ideal parents, not mine.” My gut kicked again. I went with a hunch. “And not Ethan’s either.”
His hand jerked. There it was. I’d been right, but I felt no victory. “It’s the secret, isn’t it?”
“What are you talking about?”
My hand lifted and I gestured to him. “You. This whole thing. You’re not comforting me, Jesse. That’s your job. That’s what you’re supposed to do, but you’re closed off.” It hurt to say, but I did. “This is you for the last two years.”
His eyes closed.
He knew what I was getting at. I kept going even though I felt like I was being strangled, “What did they do to Ethan?”
His head went back down.
“Jesse.”
He looked away now.
“Jesse.” My voice rose to an authoritative bark. He had to tell me. He just had to.
Finally, he looked back, but he was closed off again. A fucking cement wall came over him. He wasn’t letting me in and my stomach dropped. He wasn’t going to tell me the secret. He had to. He had no other choice. Didn’t he know that?
Why was this going so wrong?
The doomed feeling began to spread all over me now. I shook my head. “Stop this, Jesse. You can stop this right now.”
His chest heaved up as he let out a dramatic breath, shaking his head. “I can’t. God, I want to. I really do, but I can’t. It’s not my secret, Alex. Trust me,” his voice sounded strangled too. “I want to. I really do, but I can’t.”
The wall lifted. There was the same agony. My own came alive again as it felt its twin flare up. Why couldn’t he see? He could end both of our pain, if he’d just tell me. He turned away and his shoulders hunched forward. There it was, the look of defeat. He wasn’t going to tell me, ever.