“Listen to me. I don’t know what’s going on, but you mustn’t die just to free me.”
Tears of desperation stung her eyes. She blinked them away. She fought to keep her voice from becoming a wail.
“Don’t go, Richard. I don’t care what it means for me, as long as you can be free. I would die happy if doing so would keep you from the enemy’s cruel hands. I can’t allow the Order to have you. I can’t allow you to endure the slow grinding death of a slave in exchange for my life. I can’t allow them to—”
She bit off the words of what she feared most; she couldn’t bear the thought of him being tortured. It made her even more dizzy and sick to think of him being maimed and mutilated, of him suffering all alone and forgotten in some distant stinking dungeon with no hope of help.
But Nicci said they wouldn’t. Kahlan told herself that, for her own sanity, she had to believe Nicci’s word.
Kahlan realized Richard was smiling to himself, as if trying to commit to memory every detail of her face while at the same time running a thousand other things through his thoughts.
“There’s no choice,” he whispered. “I must do this.”
She clutched his shirt in her fist. “You’re doing just as Nicci wants—she knows you’ll want to save me. I can’t allow you to make that sacrifice!”
Richard looked up briefly, gazing out at the trees and mountains behind their house, taking it all in, like a condemned man savoring his last meal. His gaze, more earnest, settled once more on hers.
“Don’t you see? I am making no sacrifice. I am making a fair trade. The reality that you exist is my basis for joy and happiness.
“I make no sacrifice,” he repeated, stressing each word. “To be a slave, even if that is what happens to me, and yet know you’re alive, is my choice over being free in a world in which you don’t exist. I can live with the first. I can’t, with the second. The first is painful, the second unbearable.”
Kahlan beat a fist against his chest. “But you will be a slave or worse and I can’t bear that!”
“Kahlan, listen to me. I will always have freedom in my heart because I understand what it is. Because I do, I can work toward it. I will find a way to be free.
“I cannot find a way to bring you back to life.
“The spirits know that in the past I’ve been willing to forfeit my life for a just cause and if my life would truly make a difference. In the past, I have knowingly imperiled both our lives, been willing to sacrifice both our lives—but not in return for nothing. Don’t you see? This would be a fool’s bargain. I’ll not do it.”
Kahlan pulled her breaths in small gasps, trying to told back the tears as well as her rising sense of panic. “You’re the Seeker. You must find a way to freedom. Of course you will. You will, I know.” She forced a swallow past the constriction in her throat as she tried to reassure Richard, or perhaps herself. “You’ll find a way. I know you will. You’ll find a way and you’ll come back. You did before. You will this time.”
The shadows of Richard’s features seemed dark and severe, cast as they were in a mask of resignation.
“Kahlan, you must be prepared to go on.”
“What do you mean?”
“You must find joy in the fact that I, too, live. You must be prepared to go on with that knowledge and nothing else.”
“What do you mean, nothing else?”
He had a terrible look in his eyes—some kind of sad, grim, tragic acceptance. She didn’t want to look into his eyes, but, standing there with her hand against his chest, feeling the warmth of him, the life within him, she couldn’t make herself look away as he spoke.
“I think it’s different this time.”
Kahlan pulled her hair back when the wind dragged it over her eyes. “Different?”
“There’s something very different about the feel of this. It doesn’t make sense in the way things in the past have made sense. There’s something deadly serious about Nicci. Something singular. She’s planned this out and she’s prepared to die for it. I can’t lie to you to deceive you. Something tells me that, this time, I may never be able to find a way to come back.”
“Don’t say that.” In weak fingers trembling with dread, Kahlan gathered his dark shirt into a wrinkled knot. “Please don’t say that, Richard. You must try. You must find a way to come back to me.”
“Don’t ever think I won’t be doing my best.” His voice was impassioned, almost to the point of sounding angry. “I swear to you, Kahlan, that as long as there is a breath in my lungs, I’ll never give up; I’ll always try to find a way. But we can’t ignore the possibility just because it’s painful to contemplate: I may never be back.
“You must face the fact that it looks like you must go on without me, but with the knowledge that I’m alive, just as I will have that awareness of you in my heart where no one can touch it. In our hearts, we have each other and always will. That was the oath we swore when we were married—to love and honor each other for all time. This can’t change it. Distance can’t change it. Time can’t change it.”
“Richard…” She choked back her wail, but she couldn’t keep the tears from coursing down her face. “I can’t stand the thought of you being a slave because of me. Don’t you see that? Don’t you see what that would do to me? I’ll kill myself if I must so that she can’t do this to you. I must.”
He shook his head, the wind ruffling his hair. “Then I would have no reason to escape her. Nothing to escape for.”
“You won’t need to escape, that’s just it—she won’t be able to hold you.”
“She’s a Sister of the Dark.” He threw open his hands. “She will simply use another means I won’t know how to counter—and if you’re dead, I won’t care to.”
“But—”
“Don’t you see?” He seized her by her shoulders. “Kahlan, you must live to give me a reason to try to escape her.”
“Your own life is your reason,” she said. “To be free to help people will be your reason.”
“The people be cursed.” He released her and gestured angrily. “Even people where I grew up turned against us. They tried to murder us. Remember? The lands that have surrendered into the union with D’Hara will likely not remain loyal, either, when they see the reality of the Imperial Order’s army moving up into the Midlands. Eventually, D’Hara will stand alone.
“People don’t understand or value freedom. The way it now stands, they won’t fight for it. They’ve proven it in Anderith, and in Hartland, where I grew up. What more clear evidence could be seen? I hold out no false hope. Most of the rest of the Midlands will quail when it comes time to fight against the Imperial Order. When they see the size of the Order’s army and their brutality with those who resist, they will surrender their freedom.”
He looked away from her, as if regretting his flash of anger in their last moments together. His tall form, so stalwart against the sweep of mountains and sky, sagged a little, seeming to huddle closer to her as if seeking comfort.
“The only thing I have to hope for is to get away so I can come back to you.” His voice had lost all traces of heat as he spoke in a near whisper. “Kahlan, please don’t take that hope from me—it’s all I have.”
In the distance she could see the fox trotting across the meadow. Its thick, white-tipped tail followed out straight behind as the fox made its inspection for any rodents that might be about. As Kahlan’s gaze tracked its movement, from the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of Spirit standing proud and free in the window. How could she lose the man who had carved that for her when she needed it most?
She could, she knew, because now he needed what only she could give him. Looking back up into his intense gray eyes, she realized she could not hope to deny him his earnest plea and only request, not at a time like this.
“All right, Richard. I won’t do anything rash to free you. I’ll wait for you. I’ll endure it.
“I know you. I know you won’t ever give up. You know I expec
t no less from you. When you get away—and you will—I’ll be waiting for you, and then we’ll be together again. We’ll never be apart in our hearts. As you said, our oath of love is timeless.”
Richard closed his eyes with relief. He tenderly kissed her brow. He lifted her hand from his chest and pressed soft kisses to her knuckles. She saw then how much her pledge meant to him.
Kahlan pulled her hand back and quickly removed her necklace, the one Shota had given her as a wedding gift. It was meant to prevent her from getting pregnant. She turned Richard’s hand over and pushed the necklace into his palm. He frowned in confusion at the small, dark stone hanging from the gold chain draped over his fingers.