“Oh, cool!”
“I was ecstatic. I had three months to prepare the piece. The judges assigned us to learn the Star Wars theme.”
“Star Wars?”
“Surprisingly, it has a lot of trombone parts in it.”
“Okay,” I said, still trying not to laugh.
“It’s ridiculous, you can laugh,” he said, smiling. “At the time, I took it all very seriously, as I do all competitions.”
“Duly noted,” I said, winking at him.
He smiled and leaned over, brushing a kiss on my lips before continuing.
“So, I lived and breathed the Star Wars theme song. I learned it quickly and easily. I practiced it day and night, every free moment. I practiced it in the halls at school in between classes, I practiced it every moment at home when I wasn’t eating or sleeping. It was a big deal to me. The biggest thing I’d experienced in my short life.”
“How old were you?”
“I was ten.”
“I see,” I said. “A very serious age.”
“Double digits!” he laughed. “So, I learned this song so well that I was certain I was going to win. I built it all up in my head. I could play it backwards and forwards and sideways, you name it. I’d never been more certain and confident of anything. I felt it in my bones, you know?”
“That must have felt great.”
“It did!” he said, his eyes lighting up. “I felt like I was on top of the world. I’d never lost at anything in my life. I’d gotten everything I wanted, for the most part, even though I’d never asked for much. Up till then, I did everything my parents told me to do, it wasn’t until later, when I wanted to express myself and follow my own ideas and dreams that things got bad with them. But when I was ten, I was on top of the world. School came easy. Playing came easy. I didn’t have to put in much effort and I was always on top. And, I was a kid, so I really had nothing to worry about except succeeding.”
“So what happened with the competition?”
“The day of the competition, everything was perfect. I felt great. My confidence had never been higher. I felt like I could take on the world and I was ready to do it! The arena it was being held in was huge. Football stadium huge. There was a small stage set up at one end of the field and a few chairs in front for the three judges. To this day, I don’t know why the competition was held there. When I arrived, I was faced with dozens of other boys and girls just like me. They’d all practiced just as hard. They were just as talented and educated. They’d studied the history of the trombone, just like I had. And some of them had partners. Other players they were going to being playing with.
“Mr. Petty asked me if I knew anyone else who wanted to compete with me when he first told me about it, but I didn’t and nobody else at our school was as good, or obsessed, as I was. I didn’t think twice about going alone, because I was that fucking confident.
“When I arrived, they put us in a line and we all stood there, holding our instruments, waiting our turn. But we were lined up right next to the stage and we were forced to watch everyone else’s performances while we waited our turn.
“I was next to last in line. I’d never performed solo before, only with my school band, and suddenly everything changed. My confidence wavered and I began shaking, filled with stage fright.”
“Oh, no!” I said, pulling him closer, my heart dropping for him. I could just see little boy Bear nervous and shaking.
“I watched the others go before me and I felt sick when I realized I should have brought others with me. There were groups of two, three and even four, but only me and one other misguided soul playing alone. When the groups started playing, they filled up the space with the sound of their multiple instruments playing together. It sounded magnificent! So loud and powerful! I watched as almost a dozen other acts went before me and I was the first one playing alone. I knew I’d never be able to fill up that space with just my one instrument and my one pair of lungs.
“Well, as much as I wanted to run out of there, I lifted my chin and I walked up onto that stage all by myself. I reminded myself that I’d worked my ass off to get there and that I knew exactly what I was doing. I was just as good as any of those other guys, even if I was by myself. The judges stared up at me as I positioned my instrument and I’d never felt so scared and alone as I did in that moment. But above all, I knew one thing. I was ready. I was prepared. As much as anyone could ever be prepared, I was it.”
“That’s beautiful,” I whispered, smiling at him.
“I lifted the mouthpiece to my lips and I put every ounce of my soul into my performance. I opened my heart and felt every note start deep inside of me and let it explode out into the world. With every breath, I put every shred of confidence I had into the song, believing completely that I could do it, because I simply could. I gave it everything I had. As I reached the crescendo of the song, I felt my body tiring. The adrenaline of the actual performance and the nervousness had drained me. And that was something I hadn’t prepared for. I felt my breath leaving me and I knew I needed it more than ever.”
“Oh, no!”
“But then I remembered something. If all those people before me had done it, then they had probably experienced the same nervousness. Maybe they felt the same way when they reached the end. And if they had something inside of them that carried them through, then maybe I did too.
“I fought the burning in my chest. I fought the urge to pull the instrument from my mouth and walk off the stage and I just kept going. I played through the pain. I played through the fatigue. I just kept going, because I simply could!
“By the end of the song, I felt like I was going to fall down right there on the stage in front of everyone. But I finished! Panting, sweaty, exhausted…and exhilarated!”
“That’s amazing!” I said, thrilled for him.
“I walked off the stage and suddenly winning didn’t matter anymore. I’d already won. No matter what happened, I’d made it. And I’d made it because I had the confidence to try, to believe in myself.”
“That’s such a great story,” I said, beaming at him. “So who won?”
“Oh,” he shrugged. “I did. I always win.”
I burst out laughing as he pulled me into his arms.
“I won with you and that’s the biggest prize of all,” he said.
“You are too sweet,” I said, kissing him. “I love that story.”
“Well, I told you that story for a reason, Beauty.”
“What’s that?”
He grew serious, his smoldering eyes peering into mine, reaching into my soul.
“You remarked that I sounded so certain that we’re always going to be together.”
“And?”
“And I wanted you to hear that story, so you can understand what I really mean when I say I’ve never been more confident about anything in my life than I am about us. Even when I was a nerdy ten year old who’d never lost at anything in his life.”
“Oh, Bear,” I said, my heart melting. “Thank you for telling me that.”
“I love you so much, Chloe. I know this is right. I just know it. Yeah, I’m confident, damn right I am. Look at you! Look at us!” he said. “We’re perfect together.”
He kissed me, his lips crashing passionately onto mine as we clung to each other and fell back onto the blanket together. I’d never felt so full of love in my life and he’d never been so sure. As far as I was concerned, it was a damn good combination.
We kissed for what seemed like hours, the champagne long forgotten, the fire flickering beside us, the waves lapping in the distance as we melted into each other.
After a while, he pulled away, his eyes serious again as he looked down at me.
“Do you understand why I am the way I am, Chloe?”
“Tell me what you mean,” I whispered.
“The things I need. The way I need them.”
“I think I know what you mean,” I said.
“It’s important to me that y
ou understand, Beauty. It’s important to me that you want the same things.”
“I think I do,” I said.
“I know I get rough. I know I say things…”
“I don’t mind that…”
“Everything I say, every spanking, every demand, all of those things are things that I need, do you understand? They’re a part of me and I’ve looked all my life for someone to accept those parts of me. They feed something in me and if it’s missing from my life, then I’m just left empty. It’s like a hunger, an addiction.”