"I don't mind. Really."
She bit her lip. "Just be warned, it would seem my neat-freak days are far behind me."
And the woman wasn't lying. Inside, the coffee table was buried beneath a pyramid of laundry, while empty take-out containers from the Dive Bar littered the kitchen counter. At least Nell was making sure she ate.
"It's bad, I know." Jean didn't sit, walking back and forth amongst it all with practiced ease. Ada kept on crying. "Everyone in the building has invested in earplugs. I hope someone thought to warn you."
"It's fine."
Another yawn.
"How have things been going?" I leaned against the wall. Easier than finding somewhere to sit.
"Honestly?" she asked, patting the baby's butt.
"Always."
"S. H. I. T."
I winced.
"She won't sleep for more than a couple of hours. At first it was because I had trouble feeding her." Jean's shoulders slumped. "She wouldn't latch on right and my nipples were like something out of a horror movie, all cracked and bloody. Also, I say 'nipples' in front of random men now. It's kind of my thing."
"We all need a thing."
This time the smile was even smaller than the last. "Now I think she's just gotten into a bad routine."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." Her eyes were bright with unshed tears. "I totally get why they use sleep deprivation as a form of torture now."
Jesus. While I'd been partying in California, having a great time despite continuing to live the celibate life for some reason, Jean had been going through hell. And I'd promised to help her. I was the fucking worst. Seriously, the woman should have slammed the door in my face.
"Unfortunately, breast-feeding was a total disaster," she said. "I really wanted it to work and the midwives and even a specialist were trying to help me, but..."
"You did your best."
Her gaze narrowed. "How do you know?"
"Because I know you," I said, guilt clogging up my mind. "I know you want the best for your baby and would have given it your best shot."
"Maybe. If anything, having a baby has taught me exactly how little I know. These things are meant to be natural, and I feel like such a failure. Like I should win worst mother and most useless boobs of the year awards or something." Her eyes went glossy with tears and she sniffled. "Sorry."
Ada's cries picked up in volume.
"Anyway, she's on formula now. Something needed to change and Nell talked me into giving it a try a couple of days ago." She rubbed her cheek against Ada's little head, gaze sullen. "She's still not happy, though. But at least she's putting on a little weight."
"You're both still alive and in good condition. Don't be so hard on yourself."
Jean snorted. "It does feel like survival of the fittest some days."
"Let me take her." I stepped forward, hands held out. "Please? It's the least I can do after disappearing on you. You take a break, I'll walk her around for a while."
"Oh. I didn't mean to dump my sad story on you." She took a deep breath, visibly pulling herself together. "Alex and Nell have been helping me out a huge amount. People have been really kind."
"But you need some sleep, right?"
She just frowned. "You only just got back."
Honestly, I was kind of kicking myself, wishing I'd never left. But I couldn't tell her that, it would be too weird. Hell, what about me glomming onto Jean and her baby wasn't? "I basically spent three weeks lying on the beach with my board next to me. Onshore wind and the swell was nothing. I think I caught four good waves the whole time."
"Do you surf well?"
I shrugged. Some things just come easy. "I'm better at snowboarding."
"Right." She seemed bitter about something. "What else did you do?"
"Checked out a few new nightspots. Did the rounds, you know."
"Yeah?"
"L.A.'s always crazy good fun. Love the place."
She nodded.
"Got invited to a really great launch party for a new vodka," I said with an easy smile. "Man, they went all out. Had this amazing band, women doing that burlesque dancing, fireworks, you name it. The party didn't stop until four in the morning."
"Huh." She studied the ground. "Sounds amazing. A lot more fun than we've been having here."
Shit.
"Actually, it wasn't that good," I backtracked. "I mean, the vodka itself was so smooth it was bland. At what they wanted to charge per bottle, a total waste of money. I only drank it 'cause it was free. And the appetizers were all these weird little mushroom things. Not good."
"Mm."
"Weather was kind of average too. Basically the whole trip was crap."
She cocked her head. "Are you just saying that to make me feel better?"
"No."
The woman did not look convinced. Fair enough.
"Anyway," I said, moving things along. "Trust me, I'm rested up and ready to spend some quality time with Ada."
"You're sure?"
"Yes."
Her brows remained drawn in, gaze doubtful. "I guess we can see how it goes. If you're sure."
"I'm sure."
Eventually, carefully, she handed the baby over. Ada hiccupped, then stared up at me with big surprised eyes. After that, she recommenced sounding off about how bad she felt about everything. Apparently, this was extraordinarily bad. Okay. I'd done this holding her thing before. Everything would be fine. Nice and slowly, I lay her tummy down over the length of my arm, putting my hand on her back, all the while keeping a gentle grip on her wriggling little body. One of the baby books had suggested the position and total success. I aced it. Even if Ada was still bawling.
"We're okay here. I read some more about rocking babies to sleep. Apparently this position can be highly effective. We'll just hang out right here," I said. "You try and get some rest."
"I can't just dump my baby on you."
"Yeah, you can. I'm here now and I want to help. Please?"
"All right, if you
're sure."
"Try taking a nap. If I mess up, you're just in the next room."
Instead, Jean looked around. "I should really tidy up."
"Hey, you can't function on no sleep," I said. "You know that."
At last she said, "Okay. All right. Just for a little while."
I nodded.
"She's just had a diaper change and been fed. Come get me if you need anything."
"Got it."
A little line appeared between her brows. "Okay."
"You can trust her with me. We'll be fine."
"I know," she said. "You were almost the first person to hold her. I do trust you."
"I know where to find you if she decides she hates my company or something. I haven't forgotten how judgmental she can be."
"Sure." Not even an attempt at a smile this time. But slowly, gradually, Jean headed toward the bathroom connected to the bedroom. She looked back no less than eight times before finally disappearing inside and closing the door.
"Phew," I muttered. "I thought she'd never leave. Okay, Ada. What's the problem here?"
I rocked back and forth, softly jiggling her like her mom had. One of the books suggested babies liked a bit of pressure or firmness on their stomach, so hopefully lying along the length of my arm would soothe her a little. Hopefully.
"You need to go to sleep, baby girl."
She ignored me and bawled on.
"I did miss you," I said. "Sorry I wasn't around. Truth is, I really did have a good time in Cali. Getting away from everything for a while was exactly what I needed. Things had just gotten so heavy. But I didn't forget about you, I promise."
Small pitiful cries continued.
"Looks like you've been giving your mom a pretty hard time and you're not all that happy about the state of things either." I rubbed her back. "So what are we going to do, hmm?"
Damn she smelled good. Baby powder and soap or something.
"You know, this is pretty weird, you and me hanging out together," I prattled on. I don't know why, except that her incessant crying seemed to demand some sort of response, and speaking bullshit was all I had. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I never even wanted to have kids. Never wanted to be a father. Children only get in the way, tie you down, and they're expensive as all hell. Not really my style."
Her cries went down a bit in volume. Highly doubt her agitation had much to do with me anyway. More like she and her mom were both upset and overtired, stressing each other out. The book said that sort of loop could occur. Babies could be very emotionally tuned in to their caretakers.
"So anyway, there I was staying in the most amazing beach house. It belongs to this sort of friend of mine," I mumbled, keeping my voice low and hopefully soothing. "You wouldn't like him, he's a bit of an idiot. Though a very rich one. But I mean, he hits things with sticks for a living. How dumb is that? I'm much cooler, right?"