I didn’t want to answer that because he wouldn’t understand my answer.
Ren dropped his hand and took a step back and then another. “Shit, Ivy.”
Oh, this was not good. “I don’t know what to say.”
“I think that says it all,” he replied, voice rough.
“No—no, that doesn’t say anything.” A different kind of panic blossomed in the center of my chest. None of this was going how I’d planned. Then again, I didn’t have much of a plan. Ren had been right about the whole knee jerk thing. “You don’t understand. If I had—”
“You’re right. I don’t understand, Ivy. I cannot even comprehend how you could walk out of here without saying anything to me.” His gaze drifted over me in a way that made me think he wasn’t sure who he was staring at. “After everything that has happened, you’d do that to me?”
My spine stiffened. “I’d do anything to protect you. Just like you’d do anything to protect me, right?”
“Are you fucking shitting me right now?” he exploded. “Does protecting me include stressing me the fuck out?”
I folded my arms over my chest. “Well, no—”
“Okay. How about having me go insane with worry?” He stepped forward, chin dipped. “Does protecting me also mean leaving me to think the goddamn worst thing has happened to you again? That another fae got to you or worse?”
I jolted. “I would’ve left a letter. I wouldn’t—”
“A letter? You have got to be shitting me.” Lifting a hand, he thrust his fingers through his messy hair. “I should’ve known.” Dropping his hand, he laughed harshly. “You’ve already done this before.”
“What do you mean I’ve done this before? Last I checked, this is the first time we’ve found ourselves in this predicament.”
His eyes widened with disbelief. “It’s not. Back at that damn mansion you made a deal with that son of a bitch to free me.”
My arms fell to my sides. “That is not like this at all.”
“It’s not? You put yourself in danger needlessly,” he argued.
“What was I supposed to do?” I shouted, fighting back tears. “He was going to kill you, Ren. Do you not get that? What else was I supposed to do?”
“Anything but agree to give yourself to that monster to free me!” he yelled back, body tense.
Air lodged in my throat as I stumbled back a step.
“Did you think I forgot about that?” He shook his head. “The hell I’m letting you walk out of here to do that again.”
“Are you going to stop me?” I shot back. “Lock me up in this room? Chain me to the bed?”
One side of his lips curved up in a humorless smile. “Don’t tempt me, Ivy, because you’re obviously in need of someone to make better life choices for you.”
My heart thundered in my chest. The ever-present fury that had been simmering inside long before I escaped the Prince erupted like a super volcano. “Really?”
“Really.” He crossed his arms. “At least then I know I won’t find you in a bloody heap somewhere, or you won’t be running around, getting yourself captured.”
I lost it. “Then that makes you no better than the Prince!”
Blood drained from Ren’s face. Immediately, I knew I’d gone too far. Holding anyone anywhere wasn’t cool, but Jesus, Ren was nothing like the Prince.
What was wrong with me?
Something had to be for me to say that to him. Something horrible. But I didn’t get a chance for some deep self-discovery to figure out exactly how much my head was messed up.
Ren’s expression locked down. “Tanner said that the fae should be here tomorrow. Can you wait until then before you run off and do—” He looked away for a moment and then refocused on me. “Do whatever it is you’re going to do?”
I flinched. His tone was so incredibly distant—cold. I’d never heard him sound like that to me. Ever.
“Will you stay?” he demanded, emerald eyes blazing. “Stay until the ones Tanner thinks can locate the Crystal come? If that’s a bust, then I won’t say a word. Promise me you will stay at least until then. Please.”
Part of me didn’t want to risk waiting another hour. Who knew when these magical Crystal sniffing fae were actually going to show up. I had no doubt in my mind that the Prince would discover this place, but we probably had a couple of days before that happened. Maybe even a week, but when the Prince did come, I knew there wouldn’t even be hours before he broke through.
Ren . . . Ren had said please, and all I could think of was him saying that same word to me, begging me to hang on when I’d been injured.
I exhaled raggedly, plopping down on the bed. “Fine. I’ll stay until they get here, but if they can’t help—”
“You’re out,” he growled. “Got it.”
My gaze flickered to his. “Ren—”
“Don’t,” he cut me off, and my stomach soured. “I don’t want to hear whatever is about to come out of your mouth.”
I stiffened. There was no mistaking the fury etched into his face or in his tone. It was restrained but there, like the eye of the storm in the middle of a hurricane.
“I know you’ve been through hell and you’re trying to deal. Damn, I know that there’s a huge part of you still stuck in that hell, especially after the attack and what we did to save you—what happened between us afterward. I know there’s a huge part of you still there, back at that house. That’s what wakes you up every night and that’s why you spend your day hiding from me—from everyone. That’s why you don’t talk to me.”
“I-I talk to you,” I said, feeling my throat squeeze shut.
“Bullshit,” he shot back. “Seeing you hurting and having no clue how to help you kills me—eats away at me every damn day. That pain is worse than anything I went through at that damn house.”
“You haven’t talked to me!” I reminded him. “It’s not like you’ve done the whole caring and sharing thing.”
“You haven’t asked, Ivy.”
Air lodged in my throat. Oh God, he was right. I hadn’t . . . I hadn’t asked.
“But you want to know now? Fine. As you already know, I got my ass captured the night you told me you were the Halfling. I was caught up in my head and walked right into a damn trap that bitch had set. I got knocked out, and when I woke up, I was in that pitch-black cell, chained to a damn wall. I saw the Prince first and that’s how I knew what he was going to do. After feeding and beating the shit out of me, he became me. Then he left me to Breena.”
My stomach twisted.
“That bitch knows how to use her nails and teeth.”
The image of his bare chest surfaced. His skin had been shredded and bitten. I could taste the fury I’d felt upon seeing him and I wanted to draw blood all over again. “Did she . . . ?”
“Did she force herself on me?” His eyes flashed. “Would it change things if she had?”
“God. No.” Everything inside of me was twisted up. “It wouldn’t be your fault. I wouldn’t think differently of you or anything like that.”
Ren was quiet for a long moment. “She messed with me, but she was more interested in fucking with my head than my body. Pretty confident she’s actually disgusted by humans and wouldn’t lower herself to screw one. Did she say something different?”
A bit of relief swept through me, but it was bittersweet. Knowing that what Breena claimed had happened between them was false didn’t lessen the horrific things that were done to Ren. “She did, and I was never sure if I believed her. Faye said Breena hadn’t, but Faye would lie to keep me from attacking Breena.” Memories of Breena’s taunts returned. “She knew where your Order tattoo was.”
The three interlocking spirals were in the same place as mine, near my hipbone.