Theo suddenly had a sharp pain in his midsection. His opponent was a real lawyer!
Blaze got his clients, the two women, properly seated at the table on the left side of the courtroom, and when everyone was in place, Judge Yeck said, “Say, Theo, you don’t happen to own any part of this parrot do you?”
“No, sir.”
“Then why are you here?”
Theo stayed in his chair. In Animal Court, all formalities were dispensed with. The lawyers remained seated. There was no witness stand, no sworn oaths to tell the truth, no rules of evidence, and certainly no jury. Judge Yeck conducted quick hearings and ruled on the spot, and in spite of his dead-end job, he was known to be fair.
“Well, uh,” Theo began badly. “You see, Your Honor, Anton goes to my school, and his family is from Haiti, and they don’t understand our system.”
“Who does?” Yeck mumbled.
“And I guess I’m here as a favor to a friend.”
“I get that, Theo, but normally the owner of the pet shows up to argue his or her case or they hire a lawyer. You’re not the owner, and you’re not a lawyer, yet.”
“Yes, sir.”
Kevin Blaze jumped to his feet and said sharply, “I object to his presence here, Your Honor.”
Judge Yeck slowly turned his attention from Theo and settled it heavily onto the eager face of young Kevin Blaze. There was a long pause; a tense lull in the proceedings in which no one spoke and no one seemed to breathe. Finally, Judge Yeck said, “Sit down.”
When Blaze was back in his seat, Judge Yeck said, “And stay there. Don’t get up again unless I ask you to. Now, Mr. Blaze, can you not see that I am addressing the issue of Theodore Boone’s presence in this matter? Is that not obvious to you? I need no assistance from you. Your objection is useless. It is not overruled, nor is it sustained. It is simply ignored.” Another long pause as Judge Yeck looked at the group of women seated behind the table on the left.
He pointed and asked, “Who are these people?”
Blaze, firmly gripping the arms of his chair, said, “These are witnesses, Your Honor.”
Judge Yeck was obviously not happy with this response. “Okay, here’s the way I operate, Mr. Blaze. I prefer short hearings. I prefer few witnesses. And I really have no patience with witnesses who say the same things that other witnesses have already said. You understand this, Mr. Blaze?”
“Yes, sir.”
Looking at Theo, the judge said, “Thank you for taking an interest in this case, Mr. Boone.”
“You’re welcome, Judge.”
His Honor glanced at a sheet of paper and said, “Good. Now, I suppose we need to meet Pete.” He nodded to his ancient court clerk, who disappeared for a moment then returned with a uniformed bailiff holding a cheap, wire birdcage. He placed it on the corner of Judge Yeck’s bench. Inside the cage was Pete, an African gray parrot, fourteen inches long from beak to tail. Pete glanced around the strange room, moving only his head.
“I guess you’re Pete,” Judge Yeck said.
“I’m Pete,” Pete said in a clear, high-pitched voice.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Judge Yeck.”
“Yeck, Yeck, Yeck,” Pete squawked, and almost everyone laughed. The ladies in the black boots did not. They were frowning even harder now, not at all amused by Pete.
Judge Yeck exhaled slowly, as if the hearing might take longer than he wanted. “Call your first witness,” he said to Kevin Blaze.
“Yes, Your Honor. I guess we’ll start with Kate Spangler.” Blaze reshifted his weight and turned to look at his client. It was obvious he wanted to stand and move around the courtroom, and felt constrained. He picked up a legal pad covered with notes, and began, “You are the co-owner of SC Stables, correct?”
“Yes.” Ms. Spangler was a small, thin woman in her mid-forties.
“How long have you owned SC Stables?”
“Why is that important?” Judge Yeck interrupted quickly. “Please tell me how that is possibly relevant to what we’re doing here.”
Blaze tried to explain. “Well, Your Honor, we need to prove that—”
“Here’s how we do things in Animal Court, Mr. Blaze. Ms. Spangler, please tell me what happened. Just forget all the stuff your lawyer has told you, and tell me what Pete here did to upset you.”
“I’m Pete,” Pete said.
“Yes, we know.”
“Yeck, Yeck, Yeck.”
“Thank you, Pete.” A long pause to make sure Pete was finished for the moment, then the judge waved at Ms. Spangler. She began, “Well, on Tuesday of last week, we were in the middle of a lesson. I was in the arena, on foot, with four of my students mounted, when suddenly this bird here came out of nowhere, squawking and making all kinds of noises, just a few feet above our heads. The horses freaked out and bolted for the barn. I almost got trampled. Betty Slocum fell and hurt her arm.”
Betty Slocum stood quickly so everyone could see the large, white cast on her left arm.
“He swooped down again, like some crazy kamikaze, and chased the horses as they—”
“Kamikaze, kamikaze, kamikaze,” Pete blurted.
“Just shut up!” Ms. Spangler said to Pete.
“Please, he’s just a bird,” Judge Yeck said.
Pete began saying something that could not be understood. Anton leaned over and whispered to Theo. “He’s speaking Creole.”
“What is it?” Judge Yeck asked.
“He’s speaking Creole French, Your Honor,” Theo explained. “It’s his native tongue.”
“What’s he saying?”
Theo whispered to Anton, who whispered right back. “You don’t want to know, Your Honor,” Theo reported.
Pete shut up, and everyone waited for a moment. Judge Yeck looked at Anton and said softly, “Will he stop talking if he’s asked to stop talking?”
Anton shook his head and said, “No, sir.”
Another pause. “Please continue,” Judge Yeck said.
Judy Cross took over and said, “And then the next day, at about the same time, I was giving a lesson. I had five of my riders on their horses. In the course of any lesson, I yell instructions to my students, such as ‘Walk on,’ and ‘Halt,’ and ‘Canter.’ I had no idea he was watching us, but he was. He was hiding in an oak tree next to the arena, and he started yelling, “‘Halt! Halt!’”
Pete, on cue, yelled, “Halt! Halt! Halt!”
“See what I mean? And the horses stopped dead still. I tried to ignore him. I told my students to remain calm and just ignore this guy. I said ‘Walk on,’ and the horses began their movements. Then he started yelling, “‘Halt!’ ‘Halt!’”
Judge Yeck held up both hands for silence. Seconds passed. He said, “Please continue.”
Judy Cross said, “He was quiet for a few minutes. We ignored him. The students were concentrating and the horses were calm. They were in a slow walk, when suddenly he started yelling, ‘Canter! Canter!’ The horses bolted again and began sprinting all around the arena. It was chaos. I barely escaped getting run over.”
Pete squawked, “Canter! Canter!”
“See what I mean,” Judy Cross gushed. “He’s been harassing us for over a week. One day he’ll drop from the sky like a dive-bomber and frighten the horses. The next day he’ll sneak up on us and hide in a tree and wait until things are quiet before he starts yelling instructions. He’s evil. Our horses are afraid to come out of the barn. Our students want their money back. He’s killing our business.”
With perfect timing, Pete said, “You’re fat.”
He waited five seconds, then did it again. “You’re fat.” His words echoed around the room and stunned everyone. Most of the people looked at their shoes, or boots.
Judy Cross swallowed hard, closed her eyes tightly, clenched her fists, and frowned as if in great pain. She was a large woman with a wide frame, the kind of body that had always carried extra weight, and carried it badly. It was obvious from her reaction that her weight had presented
many complicated issues over the years. It was something she had battled, and lost badly. Being heavy was an extremely sensitive topic for Judy, one she wrestled with every day.
“You’re fat,” Pete reminded her, for the third time.
Judge Yeck, who was desperately fighting the natural reaction to burst out laughing, jumped in and said, “Okay. Is it safe to assume that your other witnesses are willing to say pretty much the same thing?” The women nodded. Several seemed to be cowering, almost hiding, as if they had lost some of their enthusiasm. At that moment, it would take enormous courage to say harmful things about Pete. What would he blurt out about them, and their bodies?
“Anything else?” Judge Yeck asked.
Kate Spangler said, “Judge, you’ve got to do something. This bird is costing us our business. We’ve already lost money. This simply isn’t fair.”
“What do you want me to do?”
“I don’t care what you do. Can you put him to sleep or something?”
“You want me to kill him?”
“Halt! Halt!” Pete screamed.
“Maybe you could clip his wings,” Judy Cross chimed in.
“Halt! Halt!” Pete continued, then he resorted to Creole and unleashed a furious string of harsh words at the two women. When he finished, Judge Yeck glanced at Anton and asked, “What did he say?”
Anton’s grandparents were chuckling and covering their mouths.
“Really bad stuff,” Anton replied. “He doesn’t like those two women.”