Newborn Under the Christmas Tree

He’d said she needed a name for it, for the services and refuge she provided. And now she’d left he’d given it one.

Haven.

It was perfect.

‘But not... He’s not going to be charging tourists to visit?’

‘Apparently not. And he’s planning on staying at Thornwood too, it seems. Heather was telling me about all the furniture he’s been ordering for Jamie’s room.’

Alice stared down at her half-empty mug, trying to process everything she’d heard. Liam was staying. He was building a life, a family at Thornwood, with Jamie. And he was carrying on what she’d started there, helping people.

And he was doing it all without her.

‘I should be there,’ she whispered.

‘Yes, you should,’ Helene said bluntly. ‘So why aren’t you?’

You’re a coward, Liam had said. And he’d been right.

If she was honest with herself, she’d known it the moment she’d left. Known how much she was leaving behind, and how much it would hurt. But she’d hoped by enduring that pain now, she could avoid worse pain in the future.

Except there wasn’t only pain in the future she was giving up, was there? There were happy moments, and love and family, and everything else she’d ever wanted.

She’d been a coward to run. But how much more of one would she be to stay away?

She was letting her terror of loss rule her life. Letting her past ruin her chance of a happy future.

And if she didn’t face up to that fear now, she never would.

But could she really do it?

There was only one way to find out.

‘Helene. Can I get a lift?’

* * *

‘I’m not sure he likes the Santa hat.’ Liam eyed Jamie, who stared balefully back at him from Heather’s arms. He’d known asking her to watch him for the morning was a mistake.

‘It’s Christmas Eve, and he looks adorable,’ Heather replied. ‘Don’t deny it.’

‘Fine. But he’ll have to take it off to get his snowsuit on.’

‘You’re going out?’ Heather asked. ‘Where?’

‘Just for a walk,’ Liam said vaguely. Heather didn’t need to know he was taking Jamie on the same walk they’d taken every day since Alice left. This was private—a pilgrimage for him and his boy.

Liam wrestled Jamie into his snowsuit, forcing a knitted hat onto his head in place of the Santa one, and making sure his gloves were firmly in place. Then he tucked him into his pram, blanket on top, and waved goodbye to Heather as they headed out through the front door.

Outside, the air was crisp and cold and Liam breathed in deeply, feeling it chill his lungs. For someone who’d grown up with Christmases on the beach, and Christmas dinner on the barbie, he had to admit an English Christmas was growing on him.

‘Come on, then. Let’s go.’ The quicker they got there, the sooner they’d be back and in the warm again.

Liam pushed the pram along the driveway, towards the main road, frowning when he saw a car approaching. Was that Helene? Wasn’t she supposed to be in the city visiting her sister?

Then the passenger door opened and Alice stepped out, wearing the same red coat she’d worn to the tree-lighting ceremony, her golden hair almost translucent in the winter sun.

Liam’s heart thudded against his breastbone as she approached, her movements cautious, obviously uncertain about the reception she was likely to get.

She didn’t need to worry, he realised suddenly. He’d thought that he’d been abandoned by people he loved too many times before, that anyone who did that to another person wasn’t worthy of his time.

But what he realised now was, it didn’t matter how far they went. Only that they came back when they were ready.

‘You came home,’ he said. Because Thornwood was home now, however unlikely that had seemed a mere month ago.

Alice nodded. ‘I...I hope so. I figured some stuff out. Will you listen?’

Liam paused. There was so much he wanted to ask, so many questions he’d imagined demanding answers to, if she ever returned. But now, he realised, he had to let Alice talk. Later, he could ask the only question that really mattered any more.

‘Why don’t you walk with us?’ he suggested. ‘We talk best when we’re walking.’

‘Okay. But first, can I...?’ She gestured to the pram and, when he nodded, reached in to lift Jamie into her arms, holding him close as she murmured soft words in his ear.

Liam had never doubted Alice’s love for Jamie, but seeing it again, so raw and open, he knew that the love she felt for him was for ever.

He just hoped that the fact she’d come back meant that maybe her love for him could be too.

Alice placed Jamie back in the pram and tucked the blanket around him. ‘Okay. I’m ready.’

They walked in silence until they reached the road then, as they turned to follow it down towards the village, Alice started to speak.

‘When I told you what happened to me... I’ve never told that story before, you know. Heather doesn’t know... Rose didn’t know. Nobody.’

‘So why did you tell me?’ Liam asked.

‘Because...you were offering me the life I wanted. One I didn’t believe I could have. And I couldn’t accept if you didn’t know the truth. Didn’t understand that I was damaged, that I could never give you what you wanted.’ Did she really think of herself that way? Damaged and broken?

‘All I wanted was you,’ Liam murmured. ‘And I never saw you as damaged. To me, you were strong. Magnificent. You still are.’

She flashed him a small, uncertain smile. ‘The thing is, I realised, when I was away, that I wasn’t just thinking about what I couldn’t give you. I didn’t believe I deserved any of this—to be happy, to have love, a child. Not after what happened.’

‘You can’t believe that what happened to you was your fault.’ Liam stared at her, stunned.

Alice shook her head, just slightly. ‘I should have left sooner. I shouldn’t have provoked him by spitting in his face. I should...’ She sighed. ‘There are so many things I should have done. But no. I know it was his fault.’

‘Good. So why did you run?’

‘The Christmas I ended up in hospital... I lost everything. Not just the husband I thought had loved me, or the child I wanted so badly. But my whole future. How could I trust anyone who said they loved me after that? How could I risk having a family of any sort, when I knew how easily it could be snatched away? I was so scared that it would happen again...that’s why I kept running. Why I even ran from you and Jamie, when the two of you were the only things I’ve wanted for so, so long. To be loved by you. To be a family with you. That’s...that’s the future I never dreamt I could have. And I ran because I was so damn scared of losing it.’

‘You realise that makes no sense at all,’ Liam said, reaching out to take her hand, holding it with his on the pram handle.

‘I know,’ Alice sniffed. ‘But in my head...it was the only way I had to protect myself. But when I was gone, I realised something else. I wasn’t only protecting myself from pain, I was keeping myself from ever being happy again.’

He sighed, wishing he didn’t understand so well—but he did. Wasn’t that why he’d planned to leave Thornwood as soon as possible? So that his past couldn’t come back and hurt him again?

‘I can’t lie,’ he told her. ‘Even though I knew why you’d gone, I hated that Jamie and I weren’t enough for you. That you didn’t trust me to make it work—even if we weren’t allowed to keep Jamie.’

‘I couldn’t believe that I’d be enough for you,’ Alice said, shaking her head. ‘And I was so damn scared of falling in love with you...’

‘Scared?’

‘Terrified,’ Alice admitted with a watery laugh. ?

??I thought I could run and not get hurt. But the two of you were already too deep inside my heart. I already loved you both too much.’

Love. She loved him. Liam had hoped she might, but he’d never imagined she’d come home and say it, just like that.

But she still hadn’t said the most important thing, the one thing he really needed to hear.

She still hadn’t promised that she’d stay.

‘I realised that you were right,’ she said after a moment. ‘Not just when you said that I could trust you, but that I needed to. Being with you, loving you...that makes me stronger. And running away from it can only make me weaker again.’

They’d reached their turning. Liam paused and turned to look at her. ‘So what happens now?’ Because that was all that mattered now. The past was gone. All he was interested in was the future. Hopefully, their future.

‘I don’t want to live in fear any more,’ she said, looking up at him with clear, pale eyes. ‘I’m done being scared. I can risk any pain, any loss—as long as I get the happiness that comes along the way, and as long as I have you by my side. I’m ready to make my own future—with you and Jamie. If you’ll have me.’

Liam smiled as all the pieces fell into place in his heart. ‘In that case, we have something to show you.’

* * *

Alice followed Liam and Jamie down the track, her heart buoyant and lighter than it had been in years. Jamie was still there—something that had amazed her at first, but she realised now that it shouldn’t. Liam was the right parent for him—and maybe she could be too. She wanted to be, and would strive to be. Maybe that was the most anyone could ask.