I shook my head mutely. Did she really expect him to stop? He was the most infuriating and unpredictable man on the planet. No way was he going to stop his extracurricular activities and act decent. He didn’t have time for decency, or privacy for that matter.
“Damn, he really is infuriating,” Maddie said. “Who was she? I mean, how did she look?”
“I don’t remember much. I was really embarrassed and shocked so didn’t pay any attention to her. But she had blonde hair and she was tall. Lean. She was gorgeous.”
“Ah. It’s Nina. She’s always coming for more. Doesn’t matter that Alessio treats her like garbage after he’s done. I wouldn’t say it’s his fault, though. He has his rules and he lets the women know before they get involved. No attachment, just fucking and then they leave. But they still want to get involved.” She rolled her eyes.
Why would they let themselves be treated like that—by their own free will?
I never had a choice.
I was bound and beaten into submission. No matter how much I begged, I never had a choice, so I had to accept my reality. But other women could have better lives and a loving relationship.
Maddie’s attention was on the TV.
“Maddie,” I said.
“What is it?”
“Why do women accept such behavior…when they have a choice?”
She placed the remote control on her lap and turned to face me. “I don’t know, Ayla. Maybe they want the same thing? Maybe they don’t want a relationship. Maybe that’s what works for them. It’s their choice. But you know, even if you are the fuck buddy of a heartless mob boss, you are still under his protection. Which means money, a somewhat lavish life, and nobody messes with you.”
“Hmmm.” I was trying to understand, but still couldn’t make sense of it.
“Forget that,” Maddie said, then gave my knee a slap to bring my attention back to her.
“What?”
“Well, how did you feel when you saw him with that woman? Were you jealous?” She winked.
Her question surprised me. “Jealous? Why would I be jealous?”
I didn’t even know what jealousy felt like because I never had a chance to be jealous. When emotions are the last thing in your life, you eventually forget what it means to feel something.
“C’mon, Ayla. I can see something between you and Alessio. The way he looks at you…” She fanned her face with her hands. “So hot! He literally eye-fucks you all the time!”
“Maddie!” I clapped my hand over her mouth. She had no control. I felt something wet on my palm and snatched my hand away when I realized she had licked me. “Eww.”
“You are the one who placed your hand on my mouth while I was talking. Rude much?” She crossed her arms over her chest, a grin on her face. “So, do you feel something for him? Were you even a tiny little bit jealous?”
“I don’t know, Maddie. How does jealousy feel?” As soon as the words were out, I bent my head down in shame. I sounded so pathetic.
You are pathetic, bitch. A pathetic whore. That’s what you are. Useless. Alberto’s voice rang through my head. I hated his voice. It never left me. No matter how much I tried to block him, he always came back.
I felt a comforting hand on my knee and knew it was Maddie. She never questioned me when I asked something stupid.
She believed I had been living off the streets for some time, so she pitied me. I felt thankful that she didn’t ask questions, because I had no answers.
“Well, I would describe jealousy as a wave. It comes crashing in your heart with so many mixed feelings. Anger and sadness. Most of the time, it’s not the best feeling, but it hurts. You feel it right here,” she said, placing her hand over her heart. “It hurts. Your chest grows tight and it feels like you can’t breathe. Sometimes you might feel like crying. Or anger to the point of violence. Like punching someone in the face. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it’s pretty overwhelming.”
Placing my hand over my heart, I looked down at my chest. “I don’t know. I didn’t feel anything like that. I was confused, shocked, and disgusted. I wasn’t jealous.”
“You weren’t?” I heard disappointment in her voice, and I looked up.
“I don’t think so. Why would I be jealous?”
“I don’t know. I thought maybe you felt something for him. I mean, the air is practically crackling between the two of you.”
I couldn’t feel. That was an absolute no. I couldn’t let myself get attached or feel love, especially not for a man like Alessio.
Getting emotionally attached meant heartbreak. I had learned not to trust men. I couldn’t. Because Alberto’s evil smile was forever etched in my memory, ruining me for any other man.