Now, because of one conversation, everything had become unpicked. Had they ever really known each other at all?
The realisation made her sway and she clutched the counter behind her.
Joshua squeezed his eyes closed for a second. She could almost hear his brain ticking—and she couldn’t even begin to guess what he might be thinking.
His voice remained low. ‘I thought we were good together. I thought we loved each other and could find a way to make this work. I thought I might have found someone who would love my daughter just as much as I do.’
Those words made the tears start to stream again.
‘But I can’t risk my heart, or hers, with someone who doesn’t trust me. I would never have judged you. I would never have tried to fix you. I wanted to love all of you, not just the parts you let me see.’ He gave a hollow laugh. ‘I didn’t think you were perfect, Clara, but I thought you were perfect for me.’ He lowered his head one final time. ‘Seems like I was wrong.’
And then he turned and walked out of the door.
For a moment she was stunned. Her first reaction was to run after him. But too much had been said. She still felt as if she couldn’t process most of it.
Her heart started fluttering rapidly in her chest and she couldn’t quite get a breath. Her legs crumpled under her in the kitchen and her body moved into self-protect mode.
She moved her head between her legs, ignoring the heartbeat she could now feel pulsing in her ears and counted to ten, trying to slow down her breathing.
Her brain felt foggy and muddled. Her first instinct was to look at her watch, but she avoided it, not wanting to become more panicked. She willed her heart to slow. She knew exactly what was happening to her. She’d seen it happen to other people—she’d even treated other people having panic attacks—she’d just never expected to have one herself.
She stayed where she was for the longest time, waiting until her breathing and heart rate eventually slowed. Eventually, with shaking legs, she stood.
She grabbed a glass and filled it with water, taking a few sips before setting it back on the counter. Alongside the untouched coffee cups.
It was as if someone had reached inside her chest and given her heart a sharp twist.
Those two cups. When she’d started the process she’d just had that slip of the tongue about ‘our’ daughter. Because in a few short months that was how she felt about Hannah. Joshua and Hannah were her family. The people she should be with. The place her heart told her she belonged.
She moved out of the kitchen and through to her bedroom, sagging down on her bed.
Except...it wasn’t her bed. It would never be her bed. It was Georgie’s.
The view from the window would never be hers. Her view was one of fields and sheep. One of emptiness, bleakness and loneliness.
Her cottage had never conjured feelings like these before. The comfort she usually felt from memories of her own place was gone. Now, it just seemed like a space for someone who’d made mistakes. Who’d lost the people she loved.
And would probably never feel whole again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
JOSHUA DRIFTED FROM one day to the next. It was amazing how easy it was to purposely avoid someone at work. Every time he caught a glimpse of her slim frame or white coat he would find something else to focus on entirely. Whether that was giving the conversation he was having with someone else his full attention or concentrating completely on tests results or case notes, he found he could easily keep his eyes glued on one subject.
It was his other senses that objected. They seemed to scream from every pore of his body. He would catch her scent from across the room or around a corner. He would hear her voice or laughter in conversation with other members of staff. His stomach clenched when he saw a wrapper from her favourite chocolate bar in one of the bins under the desk on the ward. As for his skin? It seemed to permanently tingle. An ache had formed underneath his fingertips. Letting him know they were missing something, mimicking the ache in his heart.
He caught sight of a few curious glances. The other staff obviously knew something was amiss. But no one had dared ask him.
He could hardly blame them. He snapped when anyone second-guessed an order that he gave, changed off duty rotas with little consultation to avoid being on shift with Clara, and didn’t have his usual patience for the job.
All the time he was constantly aware of the days ticking past in his head, like some enormous game show timer. She’d be gone in a matter of weeks. And even though his head told him he should be relieved, his heart ached so badly he wondered if he’d ever stop thinking he might actually have chest pain.
His pager sounded late one night and he picked it up and sighed. The call took minutes. He’d have to go in. But he had no one to look after Hannah. On previous occasions he would have picked up the phone to Clara. Before Clara, he’d had his sister or his nanny, but now his options were limited.
He bundled Hannah up in blankets and carried her out to the car. It was less than ideal.
By the time he reached the ward, the doctor who’d called him had started to panic. He was surprised to find Ron at the desk—he normally worked day hours.
Ron held out his arms for Hannah as Joshua strode into the ward. ‘My fault, sorry,’ he said. ‘It’s my niece and Reuben seemed out of his depth.’
Joshua nodded. Reuben, the doctor on duty, had been out of his depth—he’d known that from the call. Joshua could see what must be Ron’s sister and husband crowded around the bed of a small, pale child, wired up to a monitor that showed her heart rate was way too fast.
Joshua took a breath and put his hand on Ron’s arm. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said reassuringly. ‘I’ll look after your niece.’
And he did. The little girl had a high temperature due to c
hickenpox. The spots came out gradually over the next few hours. But the temperature led to the discovery of an undiagnosed heart murmur, causing lots of extra beats and a worrying ECG. Joshua called in a cardiac colleague who, in turn, discovered an issue with the little girl’s heart valve. Treatment was started promptly, and as soon as her temperature started to come down her heart rate came back to normal limits.
It was four hours before Joshua had a chance to sit back down at the desk with a partly relieved Ron. ‘Where’s Hannah?’
‘In a makeshift bed I made for her in the duty room. Clara’s with her.’
‘What?’ It was the last thing Joshua expected to hear.
Ron sighed and shook his head. ‘She woke up and, even though she knows me, she was scared. You were busy looking after my niece, so I called Clara. She was here within ten minutes and is curled up with Hannah now.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘Why didn’t you leave Hannah with her?’
Joshua was trying to ignore the prickle of anger that he felt. Ron had prioritised. He knew that Joshua needed to focus on his niece. So he’d left him to focus on his job, while sorting out things for Hannah. He knew it was reasonable.
He took his time before he spoke. ‘Clara and I aren’t together any more. It wouldn’t be fair for me to ask her to watch Hannah.’ He paused, then added, ‘I wish you’d asked me before you called her.’
Ron gave him a hard stare and lowered his head closer to Joshua’s. It was still the middle of the night and most of the ward was in darkness.
‘Josh, you’re my colleague and I respect you. When Kelly was sick tonight, you were the one person I wanted to see her. When I knew that Reuben was panicking, I insisted he call you. For kids, you’re the best there is. But for life? You’re a halfwit.’
Joshua was stunned. In all the years they’d worked together, Ron had been always been straight talking, but never quite this blunt. Ron pushed his chair back. ‘I’m not going to give you a lecture because I’ve no right to. But everyone has spent the last week tiptoeing around you. This place is too busy for nonsense like that. I asked your daughter who she wanted when she was upset. She said one name. Clara. That’s why I phoned her.’