The conviction in my voice rang true, and I knew Anne believed me when an understanding smile slipped into place.
“Let me go talk to Nikola. Whether she wants to see you is her choice. I’ll be right back.”
The blinds closed as Anne disappeared behind the front door. Knowing Nikola, she was running back to wherever she’d been. It always made me laugh anytime I caught her doing that, back when we lived together. It hurt, thinking about how happy we were. I ran a hand down my face. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what I would do if Nikola turned me away. Time moved slowly while I waited outside in the cold. Finally, the door opened.
“Why don’t you come on in, Brandt? Nikola’s in the kitchen making cornbread while the collards and black-eyed peas cook. I need to take care of a few things in the basement.”
“Thanks, Anne.”
She gave me a welcoming smile as I stepped through the door. Happy memories welcomed me. Past the entryway and to the right was a door that led down to the basement, which Anne headed toward. I walked a little into the living room and then headed left to the kitchen. Nikola cracked eggs into her cornbread batter.
She looked up at me, her green eyes boring straight through me. She was in a sweater and jeans. I’d never tire of her beauty. I had to stop myself from kissing her senseless, like I would have if we were together.
We stayed locked in a trance. I noticed her chewing the inside of her cheek—she was nervous. It was a small gesture and not everyone knew of her tell.
“Hey, Nikola. Thanks for agreeing to see me.”
“Hey, Brandt.”
Hearing her speak my name twice within twenty-four hours did something to me. I would do whatever I had to in order to get the woman of my dreams back in my arms.
She. Was. Mine.
MY HEART WAS about to beat out of my chest as Brandt stood before me. After all this time, I’d given up hope he would come by Grandmama’s. I know I left him, but I’d hoped he’d come back and fight for us when he got clean. Not reaching out to him had been a constant struggle. Brandt being happy and healthy was what mattered.
That said, watching him talk outside with Grandmama made my heart flutter like it used to. I hadn’t hesitated when Grandmama asked if she should let Brandt in. Hearing him say my name brought familiar feelings back to the surface. As much as I’d longed to see Brandt again, I was terrified of the hurt it would bring.
We were standing, locked in each other’s gazes, when I realized I should probably say something. “Why don’t you take a seat at the bar? I’m making cornbread; we can talk while I finish.” Having a predefined distance from Brandt would hopefully keep me rational. Luckily, there were no signs that he was either high or in need of another hit.
“Okay. If you need help, let me know. We used to be pretty good in the kitchen together.”
I didn’t know what to say. His sapphire eyes seemed to penetrate me. We had cooked together all the time. I forced the memories that were trying to assail me to the side. Having him so close was hard enough to process. So I focused on Brandt. His hair was pulled back and a green thermal shirt covered his tattoos. I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t have a coat with him. He hated coats, even in this cold weather.
Instead of saying anything, I cracked the last egg into the cornbread batter and tossed the shells into the trashcan at the end of the bar.
Brandt moved to the seat directly across from me. “Last night wasn’t what it loo—”
My eyes shot to his and he stopped. Hearing that phrase from him reminded me of all the shit we’d been through, pushing away the warm fuzzies I’d been feeling.
Brandt cleared his throat. “Sorry. What I should have said is that I’m not with the girl you saw approach me. I went to the club to meet Trigger. I ran into her, and she wanted something I didn’t. I went to the bar for a shot and was going to leave right before I saw you, but then that girl—she tried to make something happen that wasn’t in the cards.”
Thinking of Brandt with another woman made little cracks form in my still-delicate heart. How many women has he been with since me? Is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t his girlfriend, and I had no right to be jealous, but I couldn’t help myself. Brandt sounded like he was telling the truth, though, and not lying like he used to with the coke.
“Thanks for telling me. Is that why you came by today?”
As my phone buzzed on the counter, I stopped stirring the batter. I glanced and saw it was Lance, my ex from three months ago. We’d dated for a month and slept together once before I’d ended it. Sleeping with someone else felt wrong. My body only wanted Brandt. Still, Lance kept texting and randomly showing up at places where I hung out. It was borderline stalking, and he put me on edge. Lance had been at the bar last night, which was why I’d texted Wesley to pick me up. I’d decided to wait by the bar to be near a bartender, in case Lance kept harassing me.
“What’s wrong, Nikola?” Brandt watched me closely, and his concern was evident.
“I’m good. Sorry, what were we talking about?”
I looked back at the bowl and started stirring again. I wasn’t ready to share my concerns with Brandt. Hopefully, he wouldn’t push. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to deal with my problems, and I needed to keep my heart safe. As I went to the stove and pulled out the oven rack, I could feel him looking at me as I went to the stove and pulled out the oven rack. The cast-iron skillet was hot. I poured the batter and heard it sizzle as it touched the pan. Without looking at Brandt, I closed the oven and put the bowl in the sink before sitting in front of him, across the bar.
“I won’t push, but I know something’s wrong.”
I looked him in the eyes. Brandt still made me feel safe. I loved how he protected me fiercely when he was thinking clearly. But I wasn’t his to protect anymore.
After a few seconds, he realized I wasn’t going to talk, and he continued. “I came here for two reasons. The first was to apologize for all I did to you—the lying, the using, the hurtful things I said. I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. Every bad choice I made, I’m sorry for it, Nikola. I accept full responsibility. I ruined us.”
The sincerity in his voice struck true and stirred something in me. “Thank you, Brandt. That means a lot. More than you know.”
He took a deep breath. “You deserve to know. The other reason I came here was to see if you’re seeing anyone. I’m not, so if you’re not, I want to win your heart back. I know I fucked…” He looked at the doorway, probably because he thought Grandmama could be there at any second. “I know I messed things up, but I’m not ready to give up on us. I’ve been clean for over a year and haven’t come close to a relapse. We can start as friends. I want to show you I’m clean and different now. I won’t go back to drugs.”
I massaged my tired eyes. “Brandt, you put me through hell.”
&
nbsp; He held up his hands. “I know I did, Nikola. Hell, I regret it every damn day. I lied to you and put you behind the drugs. It’s something that will haunt me for the rest of my days. But are you seeing anyone? That guy who picked you up at Coyote Ugly last night?”
I swallowed, teetering on the edge of the unknown. There were so many unanswered questions running through my head. Did I want to open the safe I’d put my heart in? Should I give him a chance to prove himself to me? Did I really want to be with him again? I knew the answer was yes, but I wanted to proceed with caution.
All he’d asked was whether I was seeing anyone. That was easy to answer. “No, I’m not seeing anyone.”
A smile spread across his face, and I couldn’t help but return it. “So, the guy who picked you up last night is just a—”
His voice trailed off and I finished, “A friend. His name is Wesley. Wesley and I met at a support group we used to attend.”
“What kind of support group was it?”
I traced a design on the counter as I answered Brandt. “It’s a support group for spouses of addicts. I know we weren’t married, but I still felt like I lost my other half.”
He lowered his voice, casting his eyes downward. “I’m glad you went to a support group. Only those who’ve been in your shoes know what it’s like. But I hope you’ll give me a chance.”
This felt like the old Brandt, and as much as I wanted to go sit on his lap and kiss him, part of me pictured him hiding blow all over our house and sneaking hits.
“The group was good. It helped me piece things together I didn’t understand. Made the dark storm not so bleak.”
Brandt flinched, but the truth needed to be out there in the open. Pretending nothing was wrong was what let cocaine take over our lives.
“The groups are good. They help a lot. I know you probably have questions. Would you mind if I text you sometime, maybe for coffee? We can start slow. I want to prove to you that I’m worthy of your heart.”