The Thrillhammers hit the chorus of their song and the crowd was going wild.
Adam leaned in between Brandt and me while speaking. “Ainsley and I are going to head back to the other side. Just wanted to say hey. You guys have a good time tonight.”
“Sounds good. Thanks, man.” Brandt nodded their way.
From the way Adam and Ainsley looked at each other, I knew exactly what waited on the other side of the wall separating the bar from the sex club side. I glanced over at Brandt and he winked. My thoughts were getting further jumbled. I hadn’t expected Brandt to be drinking. Memories of smelling alcohol on his breath when he would come home high and have sex with me hit hard. I tried to remember if Brandt had had any alcohol at Coyote Ugly when we’d first seen each other, but I couldn’t.
Adam nodded, then disappeared with Ainsley. We turned back around, and I faced the bar while Brandt still held his beer. A strawberry blonde bartender approached. “Can I get you anything?”
“Water, please.”
The bartender raised an eyebrow, but grabbed a cold bottle from underneath the counter. “Let me know if you need anything else.”
I nodded, watching Brandt sip his beer. This seemed like a normal routine with him. I wondered if it was every night. With his addiction, the alcohol had me on edge.
Chris, from the Thrillhammers, came on the microphone: “This next song goes out to all those who’ve had to pay a terrible price for love.”
My heart physically hurt as I tried to keep all my painful memories with Brandt buried. We had a lot to overcome, and I needed to talk to him. That was how it had to be if we wanted a chance to make this last. Alcohol was a no-go for me with his history.
I had to be honest, like Wesley had suggested in the car.
The song started.
The Wages of Love have taken a toll on me
Embrace of emotion. A terrible hold on me
So what is it worth to lay down this burden
Shake off this curse, start a new life,
And draw back the curtain
And I can’t ask why, and I don’t know when
It was just a token, unspoken, now broken
Again and again
Once solid and whole now sand through my fingers
The ghosts are all gone, left from my home
But the memory lingers
And I can’t ask how, it don’t matter why
I’ll set it aside all of these tears and these lies
And do what I can do
The wages of love
Is a terrible cost
And I’ve spent it all, and all of it’s lost
Now I’m heart broke and destitute
But I ain’t put on my funeral suit, I’ll probably
Pay them again
The wages of love
A lesson I’m learning
The face of rejection
Still I stand yearning
And I can’t ask why. And I don’t know when
All that once mattered, was shattered,
And scattered along with the wind
I paid the boatman
Though I’m still not across
My heart ain’t frozen yet
But I can feel the frost
Is it all lost
The song ended and Chris said, “We’ll be back to rock it out after a twenty minute break. Stick around, ‘cause we’re going to bring this house down.”
The words from the song resonated within me. The crowd erupted. It was time to talk to Brandt. I hoped he hadn’t been lying to me when he’d said he didn’t want me to hide how I was feeling.
I COULD SENSE something was on Nikola’s mind. Her brow was creased with worry, and she was chewing on her inner cheek. I’d been seconds from tasting her again in the parking lot, and my dick ached at the thought. I needed more one-on-one time with her. Her traveling schedule made it hard as hell, but I’d figure out something.
The crowd died down after the Thrillhammers’ last song. Nikola’s sweater bared her shoulder, teasing my desire to touch her there. I knew that wasn’t possible tonight, but fuck, I wanted her. I took another sip of beer.
Nikola’s emerald eyes pierced mine. “Do you drink often?”
I cracked my neck, sensing she was about to drop a bomb on me. Obviously, it was alcohol-related. My rehab teachers had advised to stop using any addictive substance. Alcohol had never been a problem for me, so I kept drinking in moderation. Nikola’s voice had the tone she took when she was about to scold me. It was rare, but it often resulted in a small fight. Whatever it was, I needed to stay calm. We used to work through these things quickly, but right now, our relationship was in rough seas.
I set the beer down. “I have a couple occasionally.”
Nikola’s tapped her fingers on the counter. “Do you think that’s a good idea, considering your addiction?”
“Alcohol was never my problem. You know this. I’ve been sober for over a year now, without relapse.”
I took another sip of beer out of habit because it was there. Her eyes widened. Nikola was my top priority, but I was still my own person. We needed to be real.
“You used to drink while you were high. I remember the smell of your breath when you’d come home, have sex with me, and then pass out.”
She began to speak in monotone and her lips pressed together tightly. This was not going well. The blank stare on Nikola’s face had my nerves standing on edge. It felt like she wouldn’t let this go.
“Nikola, I don’t see why this is an issue. Alcohol is not my trigger. Yes, you know I drank while I was high, but we used to drink together. There were multiple times we had sex when we both had alcohol on our breath. “I think you’re making it out to be an issue when it’s not. Can we talk about this later?”
Anger flashed in her eyes, “You want to push it aside, even though it’s a big deal? I thought you said there wasn’t a topic that was off-limits. We can go elsewhere to talk about this if you want, but it needs to be discussed now.”
I went to take a sip of beer again then caught myself. Nikola’s eyes followed my movement. “There isn’t a topic we can’t discuss. But you haven’t been part of my life for the last year and seen how I’m handling things.”
The air got heavy and our voices were rising. Nikola must have been feeling the same way. “I need some air. I’ll be right back.”
I was agitated at my addiction being used against me. She turned and I followed her out of Club Envy, leaving my beer on the counter. In the parking lot, she took deep breaths. She seemed panicked.
“Nikola, let’s take a step back and look at this rationally. You’re overreacting.”
She stopped and turned toward me. It was cold outside, but the look on Nikola’s face could burn me to the ground. “I’m overreacting? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m overreacting.” She took a step closer and glanced around—people in the parking lot now staring.
With her voice lowered to a harsh whisper, she said, “So was I overreacting when you paused to consider the drug dealers’ offer that time they wanted to rape me to settle your debt? Was I overreacting when you repeatedly lied to me? Was I overreacting when you were so drunk and high you didn’t know what way was up or down? And now, because I’m concerned you’re playing with something that could put me and us in danger, it’s considered overacting? Tell me, Brandt, how the hell is that overreacting?”
“Are you going to throw this at me every time we disagree? That’s bullshit, Nikola, and you know it. Yes, I fucked up, but you can’t hold it over my head.”