“Oh, sweetie.” Janice’s wrinkled hand touched my shoulders.
My body wanted to flinch, but I stayed put. Janice’s hair was white, and she had a frumpy middle. Janice was kind and had been there for Grandmama over the years. I’d always loved listening to stories between Grandmama and Janice.
“Your grandmother adored you. She loved you like a daughter. I know this is tough, but all her friends are here for you.”
Another knife in the heart. That’s what all her friends had said in some way or another. Each time was equally painful. I cleared my throat. “Thanks, Janice. I loved her, too.”
She gave me another pat then left. I felt like I was standing on needles, waiting for the next person to approach and say the same thing, forcing reality on me again as if it weren’t already a fresh cut in my heart.
Brandt scooted the glass closer to me. “Drink a little. The ginger ale will help.” I was about to refuse when he pleaded, “For me. Drink a little for me.”
I took a tentative sip. The cold liquid felt like an acid at first then started to calm the knot in my stomach.
“Thanks, baby. Drink a little more.” His encouraging tone got me to drink more.
I took another sip as someone to my right started speaking.
“What should we do this weekend? Let’s do something fun as a family.”
I knew the world shouldn’t stand still because my grandmother died, but listening to people be happy was more than I could take.
“Brandt, can you take me home? I need to go home.” My voice was on the brink of breaking as I stood.
Following my lead, Brandt stood. “Yes, let’s go. Do you want me to tell your parents?”
I glanced toward parents. They had three people surrounding them, which would mean a lot more talking for me. “No, text them. Tell your mom and brother, too. I don’t want to talk to anyone else.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
Someone else approached, and I was afraid I was going to be sick if anyone else told me how much Grandmama loved me. Brandt intercepted, “Hey, Mary. I’m going to take Nikola home. She’s exhausted. It was good seeing you.”
Mary gave a sweet smile. “I understand. You guys rest. I’ll bring by some food this week.”
“Thanks, Mary.” Brandt always got people to warm to him.
I smiled weakly. Mary had ash gray hair and light brown eyes. She was thin and frail. “Anytime. I’ll bring the food by tomorrow if that sounds good. I know how much Anne loved you, Nikola. You meant the world to her.”
And there it was, the joust in the gut. Again. I knew my grandmother’s friends meant well, but it was too much when I was still trying to process the fact that I’d never see her again. I didn’t respond. I was drained to the core.
Brandt guided me out to my vehicle, and I got into the passenger side of the car. He got in on the driver’s side, started the car, and drove. In the outside world, life was in full bloom as the trees began to reveal their green coat for the summer. The sun began to set. I looked at the sun, remembering Grandmama’s words, Every sunrise and sunset, we can gaze up together and know we are looking at the same sky. I closed my eyes, then reopened them to see the brilliant colors.
I remember you, Grandmama. I remember.
More tears fell as I silently cried. Brandt’s hand took mine, consoling me with his touch. I don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t had him through all this. The hurt would lessen with time, but the loss would be there forever.
As we drove, I watched the sun dip lower into the sky.
Four days had passed since Grandmama’s death. I had to force myself to get out of bed every morning and live my life. It was difficult when all I wanted to do was stay buried under the mountain of blankets and pretend her death hadn’t happened. I felt like a robot as I got through each moment. I knew this behavior wasn’t healthy, but I was afraid to keep living. If I allowed myself a moment of happiness, part of me felt like I was forgetting Grandmama, even though that was irrational. Brandt held a cup of warm coffee in front of me as I sat on the couch, staring off into space.
“Here you go. Is there anything I can get you?”
Brandt was constantly worrying over me. He’d hardly been to work, and when he did have to leave, Ainsley would stop by from a few streets over to keep me company. Honestly, she was the one who did all the talking—I responded as minimally as I could. I hated being such a bitch, but I was being sucked into a black-tarred abyss. Trigger had been sick, and Jethro was out on scheduled vacation. Even Ainsley worked some at the club. When they were all working, Faith would come over. I liked being in her calming presence, but I was still not the best of company. I felt horrible that I was as useless as I was. Whatever had a hold of me was trying to suck me in, even though I tried to fight it.
I was at a fork in the road. I needed to decide to go down the right path versus staying in mental purgatory. I prayed something would spur me into action.
“Nikola?”
I snapped out of my never-ending thought process and remembered Brandt’s question. I looked up into in his concerned eyes. “I’m good. Thanks for the coffee.”
He nodded. “I have to go to work for a couple of hours. Wesley should be here in a minute.”
“Okay.”
Brandt sighed and kissed my forehead. “We’re going to make it through this. Do you want me to stay?”
I looked into his eyes. “I promise it’s okay for you to go. They need you at the club, Brandt. I just need a little time to deal with all the sadness.”
The doorbell rang, and Brandt looked torn as to what to do. I couldn’t blame him. If I could tell him what to do to lessen the pain, I would. Brandt walked toward the door, and I absentmindedly sipped my coffee. I heard low voices—it sounded like Wesley.
A few minutes later, Wesley came in. He looked like he’d aged since Diane’s passing. I wondered if the weight of the sadness would do this to me. His hair had grown out some, and his chocolate eyes were filled with sympathy. Brandt stood at the doorway, watching. I was sure he was trying to see how Wesley would be with me. I knew Brandt was nervous that, with the death of Diane, Wesley would start to feel more than friendship for me. But he wouldn’t. We’d only been meant to be friends.
I set my coffee mug on the table as Wesley came over and gave me a quick hug. “How are you doing?”
I shrugged. “I’m here. Trying to survive, but it’s tough.”
Wesley sat on the opposite side of the couch. Brandt gave me a hug and a kiss, whispering in my ear, “If you need anything, call me. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He pulled back, and we smiled at each other. Brandt standing by me as he did only strengthened our love. Brandt was here for me in the good times and the bad. Nodding at Wesley, Brandt headed out the door. I sank farther into the couch with my coffee. For the first time, I was at a loss for what to say to my dear friend. My insides were hollow.
Wesley set his leg over his knee and played with the fray of his jeans. He finally spoke, “At first, I felt guilty that I was alive and able to enjoy life. Diane deserved a better ending, but that’s not what the cards had in store for her. I’m coming to accept it. I’m accepting that I couldn’t have done anything else to make her choose me over using. After a lot of talks with Quentin, I now believe Diane would want me to be happy and live my life. There will always be a missing piece, but I’m going to fill that piece with memories and try to move on.”
We sat in silence for a while. My lower lip trembled. “I feel like I lost a mom. I keep thinking I need to call Grandmama and ask her something. Every morning, I wake up and, for an instant, everything seems okay, and then I’m forced to face the truth again. Last night, I dreamed she was alive and we were all playing Rook.”
My shoulders started to shake. Wesley crouched in front of me, then he plucked the coffee cup out of my hand. I’d tried to be strong for the last few days, but I should have known keeping it in was the worst thing I t
o do.
“I understand what you’re saying. Anne and Diane wouldn’t want us to live in torment like this.”
I nodded my head yes and tried to start believing those words. It was hard. Wesley stood. He pulled a DVD out of his back waistband. “Why don’t we watch some Seinfeld? Funniest damn show ever.”
Giving a small chuckle, I nodded as Wesley made his way to the television. This was what I needed. Hopefully, I’d keep progressing and not regress.
A couple more days passed. I was doing better, but there was still something off. There were times I wanted to fall back into the pit of sadness, but I fought like hell to stay where I was or to gain a little ground. We’d just finished breakfast, and I’d helped clear the dishes. Moving back to the couch with a cup of coffee, I took a deep breath. Brandt was walking through the front room, holding the paper. Wesley had helped me tremendously, but I needed my soul mate.
I hoped Brandt would recognize my cry for help as I said, “Brandt, thank you for being so understanding. I’m trying to get out of this funk, but I don’t know how.”
This was the closest I’d come to expressing myself.