My breath catches in my throat, and at this moment, I know Garrett isn't just talking about Zack. I know he's envisioning what would happen to him if I were to die. He's entertaining the possibility and trying to already figure out a way to deal with it.
And I swim with guilt.
"If you all will excuse me...I need to find a bathroom," I murmur with my eyes downcast. I don't want anyone to see my eyes, because then they'll see how wretched I'm feeling at this moment. Not for Zack, and not for Benjamin. Certainly not for myself. I'm feeling terrible about what I'm doing to Garrett.
"It's down the hallway off the living room...first door on the left," Garrett says, and I manage to raise my gaze up to his with a plastic smile on my face.
"Thanks. I'll be back in a minute."
I turn away from the group before my false smile cracks, and immediately hear Alex talking about Zack again. I don't take but one step and Garrett's hand is on my wrist. I turn back toward him and he steps in close to me.
Bending his head down, he peers directly into my eyes while his thumb skims across my skin. "You okay?"
I ratchet my smile up a notch, trying to portray confidence. "Sure. Just need to use the bathroom."
He stares at me, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. Trying to discern if there's something else in there that he's missing. Apparently, my duplicity is foolproof, because he gives me a relieved smile and kisses me on my forehead. "Okay. Good."
Pulling my arm away from his grasp, I head toward the house with my shoulders back and my head held high. I make my posture confident as I walk away, because otherwise I'd give in to the urge to just withdraw into myself and immerse myself in pity and guilt.
This has been a bit of an eye-opener for me. I know death is not on my immediate horizon, but it could come into focus a lot sooner than for others my age. There is so much turmoil and pain that is left behind, and there are some things I can do ahead of time to ease that for those I leave behind. I make immediate note that I need to do a will, and also an advanced healthcare directive. I need to make sure my mom knows where I bank and that she's listed properly as my beneficiary on my meager 401(k) that Stevie provides through Fleurish. Most important, I need to let my mom know what my wishes are when it comes to my funeral. No one should have to bear making those decisions.
It would absolutely slay me in the afterlife if I knew my friends and family--if I knew Garrett--were devastated over my death. I would want them to move on...enjoy life...seek additional love. But that's beyond my control. I can't make that happen...only wish it to be so.
There's nothing I can do about my mom, because she's my mom. She's not going anywhere. Neither are Stevie and Sutton, who have been long-standing in my life.
But Garrett is a bit different. He's new to my life, and while I care for him deeply, as deeply as I've ever felt for a man before, I have to wonder if I did the right thing by getting involved with him.
Here this amazing man has set his sights on me...the first relationship he's had since high school, and he picked someone that could destroy him. Guilt gnaws at me and I feel incredibly selfish. And if I'm honest with myself, I've been feeling this way for a while. Ever since Garrett wigged out over me being in the hospital.
But I refused to let go of that selfishness, because as shallow as it might make me feel, Garrett provides me with comfort and security. He makes me feel alive and eager to face each day with joy. At times he makes me forget all the scary things I face. Even though it makes me self-absorbed, I'm not sure I could give him up at this point.
So I think I'll just suffer with the guilt for now.
Chapter 25
Garrett
I knock on Olivia's apartment door. She's not expecting me, or otherwise I would have just walked right in. I hear movement from within and bounce on the balls of my feet, sneaking a quick glance at my watch.
The door opens and Olivia's eyes are round with surprise. A smile lights up her face--so fucking beautiful--and she says, "What are you doing here?"
Stepping in, I reach behind her head and pull her close for a kiss. It's a sweet kiss, because we had a pretty passionate, almost-causing-us-to-get-a-quick-fuck-in kiss not but a half hour ago when I left her apartment. I was supposedly on my way to an early-morning practice, and Olivia was getting in the shower because she had an appointment with Dr. Yoffman.
This appointment was a big one. Having finished her third cycle of treatment last week, this was the midway-point evaluation. She had a CT scan done yesterday and more blood work, and she was going in to get the results.
And I just couldn't--not in good conscience--let her go by herself. Not that she really needed someone with her. This would just be to get results and ensure they were on the right path. In fact, Olivia put everyone off...telling me, Stevie, and Sutton she could handle this one on her own. She was brimming with confidence and hope that today's appointment would bring nothing but good news.
I, on the other hand, knew there was a possibility of bad news, so despite her assurances, I felt that Olivia needed someone with her. So I made it only halfway to Raleigh before I turned around and headed back. I put in a quick call to Coach Pretore, told him I had food poisoning and that I wouldn't make practice. It was a complete and utter lie...the first I've ever told to him. The first time I've ever missed a practice in my career. I even had to come up with food poisoning as my illness, because I've actually played sick with colds and flu symptoms before, and Pretore would know that it would take a lot to knock me on my ass. Told him I had it coming out of both ends and no way I could even think about moving away from my toilet.
I didn't have a moment's guilt about it either as I headed my car back to Olivia's apartment.
"I'm going to go with you to see Dr. Yoffman," I tell her with a smile.
"But you have practice," she says with confusion as she pulls away from me.
"Yeah...well, I called in sick for the day," I say with a cheeky grin. "This was more important. Now get your purse and let's go."
Olivia's eyes harden and her lips flatten out in censure. "No, Garrett. This isn't more important than missing a practice. That's your job. You just can't call in sick."
Shrugging, I give her lackadaisical smile. "People call in sick all the time."
"Not professional athletes," she grits out. "You have obligations."
Reaching out, I place my hands on her shoulders and give her a reassuring squeeze. "I know. But I have an obligation to you as well."
Olivia shrugs, dislodging my hands. She steps back and she looks pissed. "I don't want to be an obligation to you, Garrett."
Sighing in frustration, I scrub a hand through my hair. "Listen...I didn't mean it that way. I just meant that you are as important to me as hockey. Actually, I'm thinking maybe more so, and that there are times when you will take priority over it. This is one of those times."
"No, it's not one of those times," she says, and actually stomps her foot on the ground. "It's a freakin' follow-up appointment. It probably won't last ten minutes. I don't need you or anyone there with me."
Okay, now I'm getting pissed. Foolish, hardheaded woman.
My hands shoot out and cup her face, pulling her in close to me. I lean down and practically touch my nose to hers. When I'm assured her eyes won't go anywhere other than in a locked position on mine, I tell her quietly, "Olivia...baby...this is more than just a follow-up. It's where we find out how you are responding to treatment. Now, I know you...and I know you're a fighter, so I'm expecting this is going to be full of good news, puppies, and rainbows. But in the off chance it's not what we're expecting, I want to be there with you. You need me there with you if that happens."
Her eyes go soft, limpid pools of mossy green, and she utters a small sigh of resignation. "I just don't like disrupting your career."
This woman.
She makes me crazy with a million different feelings every day, ranging from lust to serenity, anger to happiness, security to doubt, comfort to fear. She'
s a million different things to me, none of which I ever thought were possible, and now that I've experienced them, I know I can't do without a single one.
Leaning down, I brush my lips against her. I run my nose up the side of her cheek and then kiss her at her temple. When I pull away, I wait until her eyelids flutter open and I tell her, "I love you, Olivia. I waited a long time to find this and there is nothing more important in my world than you. Don't trivialize this. Accept it. You are it for me."