Zack (Cold Fury Hockey 3)

I had nothing to say. My lips wouldn't move...my throat wouldn't cooperate.

I couldn't tell her I loved her because that concept was too foreign for me to consider. I definitely cared for Kate, in a way that I never would have thought was possible after Gina died, but I was pretty damn sure love would never be part of the equation for me again. I was a complete fuckup when it came to love.

The rest of the morning, Kate hung out with Ben, but only after I sat down at the kitchen table with both of them while Kate explained to Ben that she needed to leave and return home. My heart broke in two when his eyes filled with tears and he merely asked, "Why?"

Because I'm an ass.

Because I'm too afraid to hold on to her.

Because I could never offer her what she truly needs and that's a failure I can't handle.

Instead Kate pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly. She kissed him on the head and told him gently, "It's just time for me to move on. It has nothing to do with you, little man."

Then I'll never forget as long as I live what he asked Kate next. Looking at her with solemn eyes, he asked, "Are you going away like my mom?"

Kate valiantly choked back a sob and in a tremulous voice told him, "Of course not, silly. I'm going to be just a phone call away from you, and I'm sure your daddy will let me visit you when I can come back."

Ben turned his tear-streaked face to me and asked, "Kate can come and visit?"

My throat tightened and I had to give a little cough to clear it, but I told him, "Sure thing, buddy. Anytime she wants."

My door would always be open to Kate.

I left them alone after that and hung out in my office the rest of the morning until I heard a car pull into the driveway. I pulled the curtain back and peeked out the window just in time to see Kate's father getting out of a beat-up old pickup truck and Kate flying into his arms. He hugged her hard, twirled her around twice, and kissed her on the head. When he tried to pull back, she grabbed on to him tighter and wouldn't let him go.

Dropping the curtain, I turned away from the bittersweet reunion because it just made what was about to happen that much more inevitable.

I went out of my office and dutifully met Robert Francis, Kate's namesake. He shook my hand and gave me a polite nod. His lack of enthusiasm over meeting a Carolina Cold Fury hockey player, especially when I know he's a huge fan, let me know right then and there that Kate had told him something about what happened between us. The fact that he didn't punch me told me she didn't say much to him, just enough to muddy his opinion of me.

It was with utter helplessness that I stood on my front porch and watched her father carry her suitcase and the two boxes she had out to the truck, while Kate squatted down in front of Ben and talked to him quietly.

Robert started the truck and waited for Kate to make her goodbyes. She grabbed ahold of Ben and pulled him into a tight hug. When she released him, she surreptitiously wiped the tears from her eyes, stepped up to me, and from her tiptoes kissed me on my cheek. It took all of my willpower not to grab her and drag her back into the house with me. Tie her up to my bed and tell her tough shit, she was staying.

She stepped back, gave me a smile, and said, "Take care, Hell on Skates."

Without waiting for a response from me, she turned away and jogged to her father's truck. She never looked back at me again, but after he pulled out of the driveway, I saw her look at Ben and give him a final wave.

The pain that slammed into my chest was so staggering, I dropped to my knees. I did it under the guise of needing to hug Ben in support, but I was actually the one who needed it. Then I pulled him into my arms, picked him up, and carried him back in the house.

Kate was gone and my life officially sucked worse than ever before, and it all boiled down to the fact I was too fearful to do anything about it.

"Kate...hey, it's Ryker," he says into the phone, dragging me out of my morbid memories.

I watch him intently, trying to read every nuance of emotion on his face, since I can't hear her end of the conversation.

"So how are you doing?" he asks her, and then there is a long pause while he listens. He nods in understanding and then starts laughing. "Now, that doesn't surprise me."

What doesn't surprise him? Is she dating someone? Has she found another job? Did she just tell him that she hates me with a fiery passion?

"So listen...my ex-wife wants me to take full custody of my two little girls and I'm going to need a nanny. I was wondering if you're interested in the job."

Ryker pauses and listens to Kate. He listens for a long time. I pick up my beer and take a sip, trying to suppress my smile, because I know very well what's happening right now. She's on the other end of the line babbling. It's what she does best and I fucking miss it so bad.

"Okay, why don't you think about it and let me know in a few days," Ryker says once she runs out of steam.

I'm completely surprised that she didn't accept immediately. I know she needs a job, and Ryker would pay her damn good money. Worry courses through me as I wonder if she's abandoned her idea of returning to school.

"He's doing okay," Ryker says into the phone, his eyes pinning me. "He's standing right here...do you want to talk to him?"

Adrenaline rushes through me as I realize all at once that Kate has asked how I'm doing and that potentially in a matter of a few seconds I could be talking to her. My hands immediately start sweating and my heartbeat goes into overdrive. What would I even say to her?

I miss you.

Please come back.

I'll do anything to make you come back.

Unfortunately, Ryker smiles at me sadly with a small shake of his head and says into the phone, "Sure, honey...I understand. Just call me once you make your decision."

Fuck.

She doesn't want to talk to me.

Ryker hangs up and gives me a commiserating look. "I'm sorry, man."

Putting a brave face on, I shrug and take a long swallow of beer. "No worries. I'm not surprised."

But I am totally hurt and dismayed that I probably killed any care and affection she once had for me.

"She said she's going to think about it," Ryker says as he places his phone on the bar.

"What's to think about?" I muse out loud. "It's a great opportunity for her."

"I don't know. She sounded very unsure."

Christ. I hope to God I have not fucked with Kate's head so much that it's causing her to abandon her goals. I hope to God that the strong, opinionated, and goal-oriented woman that I've come to know is still on her A-game when it comes to her future career. If I fucked that up for her, I'll never forgive myself.

I drain the rest of my beer and Ryker starts to flag the bartender for another.

"Not staying, man," I tell him as I pull some money out of my pocket and throw it on the bar.

"Come on, dude," Ryker implores. "The last thing you need to do is go home and sulk."

"Sorry, bud," I tell him with a sympathetic look. "Just not in the mood to do anything else but."

He slaps me on my back and I turn around to head out of the bar. I really should take the opportunity to stay out tonight and get shit-faced drunk. Michelle is having Ben stay the night with her and Beau, and I

have no obligations otherwise.

Unfortunately, I'm going to do tonight what I do most nights. I'm going to castigate myself over what I did to Kate. Then I'm going to obsess over why I couldn't give Gina what she wanted. After that, I'll try to determine why I feel something for Kate that I never felt with Gina.

And finally, I'm going to absolutely refuse to believe that I could give Kate what she deserves, because even though she's different--what I feel is different--I have no right to put her at risk for further hurt and disappointment. I've already done it once and I won't do it again, no matter how much it kills me not to be with her.

Chapter 30

Kate

I hold my hand over my heart, look down in disbelief, and exclaim, "Oh. My. Word. You two actually ate all of your dinner."

Both girls grin at me from the kitchen table. Dark hair, gray eyes...they are both miniature versions of Ryker. Violet, who is the more quiet of the two, sticks a finger in her mouth, gives me a coy smile, and swings her legs back and forth. Ruby, however, is not quiet and bangs her fork on the table. "You said we could have a cookie."

I laugh and pick up their empty plates. "That I did."

I turn to Ryker, who sits there watching the dramatics unfold and hands his plate to me with a smile. "Thanks, Kate. That was delicious."

After dumping the plates in the sink, I grab three chocolate-chip cookies I had made yesterday from a plastic container and hand them out with a flourish to Ryker, Violet, and Ruby. "Enjoy, my fine peeps."

Yeah...this job turned out to be pretty spectacular. I was stunned to hear from Ryker last week, and even more so when he offered to let me talk to Zack, who was apparently there with him. I freaked--just slightly--and totally rejected the idea. I didn't have it in me to hear his voice. As much as I craved it, it would just hurt too much.

I told Ryker I would think about it. It took me about ten minutes after I hung up the phone to realize I would accept. How could I not? I needed the money if I wanted to start school in the fall. While it had been very easy for me to drop into a major funk when I returned home with my daddy, I still was very much focused on achieving my goals. It's just that after quitting my job as Ben's nanny, I became a little lost.

But I'm back. I called Ryker the next morning, accepted, and Daddy hauled my butt back to Raleigh, where I immediately started as nanny to my new precious wards, Violet and Ruby.