“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up, Skye. I will have my say, and then you can have yours. If you’re brave enough.”
“Brave enough? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means, and if you interrupt me again, this discussion is over.”
My lips tremble as I nod. I force the anger to dissipate.
He clears his throat. “I made an exception for you. I decided to have a relationship—or try, at least—but I fear this little experiment of mine has failed.”
Little experiment? I’m a damned experiment? I want to yell, scream, tear out his hair. Punch his smug face until it’s bruised and battered.
I want to cry, sob in his arms, and tell him I’ll do anything to please him.
I want to beg him to take me back underground, tie me up, choke me.
I want to bare my soul, confess my love, tell him I’ll do anything… Anything…
But I sit quietly. I sit quietly because I’m afraid. I’m very afraid of where this is leading.
If you’re brave enough…
I’ve lost so much already.
“The club is about pleasure,” Braden says.
“I know that. I get pleasure there.”
“You do. But you get something else, as well. Something that’s important to you, and that’s what you need to face before we can continue in a relationship.”
I finger his collar still around my neck. “Braden, please…”
“I love you, Skye.” He tunnels his fingers through his hair and then rubs his forehead. “I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving another human being. But you want something I can’t give you. Something I’ll never be willing to give you.”
I gulp. “I can live without the choking.”
He trails a finger across my forehead and down my temple. “Can you? Because this isn’t just about the choking. It’s about more than pleasure. More than pain. More than my dominance over you and your submission to me. You’re punishing yourself, Skye, and I can’t be a part of it.”
I shake my head vehemently. “But you… You punish me all the time!”
“That’s my prerogative. Not yours.”
“I get that. And you’re wrong. I love everything we do. You know that. I’m not punishing myself. Why would I do that?”
He kisses my forehead.
A kiss goodbye?
That’s what it feels like, and a vise clamps around my chest so hard that I think I might actually die right here on this bed. Die of a broken heart.
He wasn’t sure I was ready for the club. I remember, watching his demeanor when he told me about his lifestyle here in New York, that he seemed to feel like he was making a mistake. That it was too soon for me.
How can I convince him he’s wrong? That I need this as much as he does?
Maybe more?
Maybe more…
Oh God. It’s the more that’s the issue.
That vise around my heart? I don’t feel it now. I’m numb. Completely numb. The irony of the situation is not lost on me. After my conversation with Betsy, I rushed into Braden’s office, afraid he’d end our relationship if I refused to do something he wanted.
In reality? Our relationship is ending because he refused to do something I wanted.
“Why would you punish yourself?” Braden finally says, staring past me and out the window. “That’s a question you need to answer.”
A sob lodges in my throat.
I want to answer. More than I’ve ever wanted anything, I want to open up and give him what he’s asking for.
But I can’t, because I don’t know.
I’m lost. So lost.
And I’m about to lose the man I love.