She pointed at me with strands of wild hair framing her face. She never looked more beautiful, even though fury sizzled in her veins. “I left because of you! Or have you forgotten that?”
“Me? What are you talking about? I had nothing to do with you leaving for school.”
“Don’t stand there and lie to me, Rafe. I deserve better than that.”
“Lie to you?” Confusion had me freezing in place. “You left for school. Why are you angry at me over that? Why am I getting the feeling that you’re livid over that and blame me?”
She crossed her arms against her bare chest, now just realizing that she had been standing completely naked in the room. She reached for a blanket off the end of the bed and wrapped it around herself. I took her cue to get myself in a more presentable state as well since clearly we needed to discuss some shit. Some serious shit.
“Why do you think you can just keep buying me off? You and your family. It’s all about money to you all,” she said as she walked over to a chair and sat down. Even though her anger had subsided, and she was no longer yelling, I could still see how mad she was.
“I told you,” I said as I walked to the chair across from her and sat down as well. “I shouldn’t have offered you a check. I was wrong. It’s just that… I saw an opportunity to fix something. I had the ability to actually fix something. Did I want to save you? Yes. Is that so bad? At least I could finally save someone. I couldn’t save Timothy, but I saw a way I could with you. That was my intention.”
“Why do you feel like you could have saved Timothy?” she asked. “You keep saying that his death was your fault when it wasn’t.”
I took a deep breath and decided I was done keeping this dark secret locked away inside of me. I needed to release it… I needed to walk through the fire of truth and hope that there was a way out on the other side. Maybe Fallon would truly hate me at the end of this, but she couldn’t hate me more than I hated myself.
“He called me,” I blurted. “He needed a ride home because he was shitfaced. He had left me two messages, and I didn’t pick up because I was at Sully’s party with you. I was having a good time, and I didn’t feel like dealing with my brother’s drunk ass.”
Bile rolled in my gut, and I considered running to the bathroom to puke. But I knew if I didn’t keep going, I wouldn’t get it all out. The purge needed to happen before I couldn’t function. “I just figured he’d catch a ride with another friend. I had no idea… I didn’t know he’d get in the car and drive himself.”
I looked at Fallon expecting to see eyes of disgust or of judgment but saw nothing of the sort. If anything, all I saw was compassion and understanding.
“It’s not your fault,” she said as she got out of her chair and kneeled at my feet, grabbing my hand in hers. “You had no way of knowing he’d make the mistake of getting into his car. And that’s what this was. A mistake. Just an awful mistake.”
“I could have saved him,” I said as my heart seemed to rip apart as I spoke the words. “I haven’t told a single soul about this because I’m so fucking ashamed. I killed my brother. I destroyed my family. It was all my fault. Had I picked up my phone, he’d still be alive. But instead, I’m here trying to fill his shoes. I’m trying to be him all while his ghost haunts my ass. He should be here. Not me. I’m the second son, the second choice.”
She shook her head and squeezed my hand. “You couldn’t have saved him. And you sure as hell didn’t kill him. It was a terrible tragedy, but it’s not your fault. It was just… it was his time.”
She continued to hold my hand as she rested her head on my lap. “I wish I would have known you felt this way. I wish you would have told me so I could have been there for you as you battled this guilt. You shouldn’t have had to bear this on your own—not then and definitely not now.”
“I wish I would have had you too. But you left. And since I’m being honest, I can admit that I was devastated when you left but tried to understand that you had to do what was best for you. And I had just proven that I wasn’t the best for anyone. Frankly, the further you got away from me the better. But I was still torn apart the day you left. I had just lost my brother, and then lost my best friend too.”