Anger.
Disappointment.
Heartache.
It’s all right there, smoldering.
Slowly approaching him, I touch his arm. “Jude...” When he flinches away from my touch, a massive boulder of emotion rolls up into my throat, nearly suffocating me. “I don’t want to leave you.” I swallow hard as my voice crackles and trembles.
“That’s not what you said.”
“For God’s sake. I was talking to my cat. I was completely freaking out with shock. I just won the lottery! For years my ultimate goal has been to somehow get out of this town and away from all the shitty people who’ve hurt me. You know that.”
He throws a quick glance at me. “I guess now you can do it.”
I’m so confused.
I don’t understand why he’s acting upset. This is what he wanted. We’re not together. We both decided that was best.
So why is he acting like I’m leaving him? And why do I feel like I’m leaving him?
“This isn’t fair,” I say. “Why are you upset? Even your plan was that I was supposed to leave once I got on my feet. Things have been up and down and back and forth between us. You’ve never said you wanted me to stay.” Tears start tracking down my cheeks. “Tell me what you want.”
“Maybe neither one of us knows what we want,” he says quietly.
I don’t know how to respond to that. Despite what’s supposedly “right” for us, I still want to be with him.
“This is a turning point for both of us,” I finally say. “Take your half of the money. Buy your uncle’s bar. This could change your whole life. And mine. It’s a huge fucking gift.”
“And what are you going to do?”
I don’t know. He’s not saying the words I need to hear. I want to stay here. Stay married to him. Be part of his family and the bar and build a life with him. I want to take photography and photojournalism classes online. I want to see if I can be a social media influencer.
But I can do those things from anywhere. From here—or from the RV I’ve always dreamed of—or from anywhere. He’s the only thing that would keep me in this town, and I’ll happily stay. I can ignore the demons that lurk here if it means being with him.
If he would just say he wants me to stay!
“I don’t know.” My voice wavers with emotion. “I guess if I won this money, there’s no reason for us to be married anymore, and there’s no reason for me to live here. I can pay you back everything you spent to help me, and I can leave.”
Every word is like poison on my lips. Burning, making me sick. But I don’t know what else to do to get a reaction out of him.
He continues to look out the window and rocks on his heels. “I guess you’re right.”
I stare at his back, hoping he’ll turn around and look at me and tell me he wants me to stay. That our age difference doesn’t matter and he wants us to take this money and make all our dreams come true together.
Where is the man who dropped everything when I needed him, flirted with me, and touched my hand earlier?
The silence between us becomes unbearably painful.
“Then you can have your lawyer draw up our divorce papers,” I say, and I leave the room feeling totally abandoned.
Again.
My favorite Ashes & Embers song lyrics come to mind:
“Baby, I can only take you so far
and the rest… the rest is up to you
But I can’t wait forever,
because every day takes me further away
And someday, it might be too late
for me to hear what you have to say”
Chapter 47
Jude
“You dropped out?” I follow her up to her room. She tosses her book bag onto the bed like she never wants to touch it again.
She’s wearing my favorite fringe suede jacket today, and I love the way the fringe swings as she turns to me with fire in her eyes. So much sass and beauty, just like the day we met.
“I didn’t drop out. After being held back when I was younger, I was able to take some Advanced Placement courses when I started high school. You can test out of them and graduate early. I took the test, I passed, I graduated.”
I’m surprised she did this without telling me. She usually talks to me about everything. Or at least she did, until everything crumbled.
“Isn’t that a big decision? Why didn’t you talk to me about this?”
She cocks her head at me. “Seriously? We’ve hardly said two words to each other this past week. You shut down, not me.”
It’s true.
My head’s been a fucking mess.
Her winning the lottery was a blessing and a curse. She was right—the money is life changing. My half is giving me the opportunity to buy Uncle Al’s bar. I’m finishing up all my scheduled construction jobs and getting the hell out of that life. In less than three months, I’ll be dissolving my business and starting an entirely new venture.