Storm (Ashes & Embers 1)

“Okay. I was just worried.”

“I know.”

“Your music is amazing, Storm. I loved it. And the song... hearing you sing it. It melted me.”

“I was hoping it would. I never sing, ya know. I did that for you.”

My heart jumps a little bit. “It was really great.” I swallow and ask him what’s been on my mind since I left. “Did you have sex with her?”

I hear a faint sucking noise. He’s smoking one of his e-cigs. “A blow job.” He finally says. My heart sinks. My throat tightens. I close my eyes and trap the tears there.

“I know you’re mad, Evie. You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry. I was mad. I wanted you, and you pushed me away. I had you for ten minutes and it was fucking heaven. So I sent myself back to the hell I’m used to. I don’t kiss her. I don’t touch her. I use her.”

“Storm, I can’t ask you not to be with other women.”

“Ask.”

“What?”

“Ask me.”

I can’t. I won’t.

“Evie, I need total honesty from you. I don’t care what it is you have to say to me, or ask me. Just don’t keep it from me. You hide so much, and you’re in so much damn denial. You gotta cut that out, okay? I will pull words out of you if I have to.”

“I don’t want you to fuck other women,” I say softly.

“Good. Now tell me why.”

“I want it to be me.”

“Oh, it will be, baby. Once you stop fighting yourself and me.” He’s quiet for a moment. “Did you want me earlier?”

Holy shit, yes. A hundred thousand times.

“Yes.”

“If there was no Michael, would you have let me make love to you on that table?”

I close my eyes, seeing him in my head, feeling his tongue inside me.

“Yes.”

I feel him smile. “Good girl. Cuz when I want you, I’m going to take you, and I want you to want it. Is that something you could give me?”

“Yes.”

“That’s something I need, Evelyn. I’m being honest here.”

“Okay. I understand.” I think.

“Where’s Michael now?”

“Upstairs asleep. I’m on the couch.”

“Are you going to think about us? Think about giving us a chance when I get back?”

“Yes. I will. I am.”

“I don’t want him fucking you anymore. Can you do that? If you avoid him, would he try to hurt you?”

“Michael? No, he would never hurt me. He’ll be mad, but he won’t hurt me.”

“Good. Let him be mad.”

“Okay.” Michael will be pissy when I say no. I don’t care.

“So this is our first step together, Evie. If we want to think about being together, we both have things to change. This is a start, right?”

“Yes. Are there others?” I ask him.

“Other women?”

“Yes, other fuck buddies. Or just her?”

“I’ve never had just one, Evie. Not in a long time.”

“Oh...” The nausea starts to creep back up on me again.

“I don’t want that anymore. Now I want you.”

“Why? Why me?”

He lets out a little laugh. “I don’t really know. I just knew, sitting in the truck with you in my lap, that this was it. I figured we were either gonna die together back there or get out and be together forever. I don’t question feelings like that. I must get that from my mom,” he teases.

And so it began.

Chapter Fifteen

I wake up Saturday morning feeling stronger. Last night, Storm and I decided this would be our start.

I want him. I want to be with him. I have not felt close to Michael in so long. I’ll miss what we once had, but I know I need to let go. It’s not fair for either of us for me to hang onto him like a security blanket.

Make a plan. Set attainable goals. Reward each goal. Don’t give up if things don’t go perfect.

These are all things my therapist had drilled into my head, back when I tried to seek help for my depression and lack of zest for life. My lack of direction and desire to do anything. The time when I laid in bed for days.

I would try for a few days, and then give up. Goals were scary. Plans were frustrating. Settling was easier, so much less work.

This time, I’m going to follow through. Storm is worth it. We’re worth it.

I sit in the grass and write my list in a soft leather journal. The soft cover is soothing to me. I love how the leather smells. I collect old books and journals like this one with handmade paper. Writing my wishes in this seems more appropriate than typing them into the notepad of my cell phone.

I start my list. Check Finances. Michael and I have a joint account, but also separate accounts. I have some money left over from my parent’s insurance. I’ll need to find out how much I have and how much is fair for us to split from our joint account.

Find a place to live. I can’t afford to stay in the condo. We lease it so Michael can stay if he wants and renew the lease. Where will I live? I could live with Amy, but I doubt that will work. We both like our space and privacy. Hopefully, I can afford a small studio apartment. I’ve never lived alone. The thought scares me a little bit.

My cell phone beeps and I check it.

Storm: Good morning, Sunshine.

A huge smile instantly spreads across my face.

Me: Good morning ;)

Storm: We just got on the road. What are you doing?

I take a picture of the double headstone I’m sitting with and send it to him via message.

Me: I’m here. Writing in my journal. Drinking a latte.

Storm: Baby, I would have brought you there. I always will.

Me: I know. In the summer, we’ll come together. You can help me with the flowers.

Storm: Definitely. What are you writing?

Me: A list of things I need to do to be with you.

Storm: Fuck. You just made my heart jump.

My insides do a happy dance. I love how he makes me feel.

Me: Is that good?

Storm: It’s fucking awesome. I want to jump out of this bus and run back to you

Me: LOL ... Don’t do that

Storm: Wait until I can get my hands on you :-)~

Me: :) I’m going to head back home. It’s getting overcast here.

Storm: K. I’ll text you later

I close my journal. I’ll write again later when I have some more time to think. Touching the headstone, I wonder what my parents would think of Storm. I’m sure my dad would scoff about the long hair and tattoos, but I think once they got to know him, they would have both liked him. Mom would have loved his smile and his eyes.

Michael and Amy are all I have left. My only friends, my only family. They have made me feel grounded since my parents passed, giving me a sense of having a connection to when my life was full and happy. Leaving Michael will, of course, leave a hole in my life.

I love him, but I no longer feel like I am in love with him. It took meeting Storm to make me realize that. And I hate to compare, but Michael never made my insides go to mush, even in the beginning. I never felt that closeness with him, like I could just close my eyes and melt completely into him forever. I never felt like I could tell him anything. I never came all over his face or quivered just thinking about him. I guess starting our relationship at age fourteen doomed us. We never grew or evolved. Our love was still fourteen, stuck in twenty-something people.

Mom used to say when a door closes a window opens. I will lose Michael. But that will leave me open to explore whatever is going on with Storm and me without guilt and being a bad person. Maybe we really can make this work and have a relationship

“If we are ever together, we would spend a lot of time here,” Storm said at Gram’s house. He wants me as part of his family. I could have a family again. And what a family that would be! Just thinking about it boggles my mind. Could that really be my life someday?

Baby steps.

Continuing with my list—Distance from Michael. This will be difficult. While Michael has no problems distancing himself from me whenever his attention is elsewhere, he is used to me jumping at his every whim and never saying no to what he wants or asks me to do. Our sex life is sucky at best (no pun intended), but he does like to have sex for a few minutes several times per week just to get off. Storm and I promised no sex with others as our start of focusing on being together.

Halo. Make sure new apartment is pet-friendly.

The house phone rings. I put my journal in the end table drawer and answer it.