Why haven't I told her I love her? Because I've never said those words to anyone. The words scare the shit out of me. I already know she's said it to someone else. Never to me, though. Maybe I'm supposed to say them first? That's probably the unwritten protocol in the love manual none of us has access to. I guess I'm afraid if I say it, she may not say it back. Or she may say it back only because I said it. And I don't know when to say it. I'm afraid I'm going to spit it out at some really stupid moment and sound like a total idiot. How do people orchestrate this stuff?
The piercing whistle starts in my ear again, which it seems to do when I'm thinking too much, like it wants all the attention. It's so loud sometimes I wonder if other people can hear it too. I wonder if someday a bunch of dogs are going to show up at the door.
"I think I need to go sit for a while."
Chapter 37
Asia
After my weekly video chat with Dr. Hollister, I go upstairs to find Talon. He's lying in bed, with Pixie curled up on the side of his head.
I grab her and lift her off him. "I'm sorry, I don't know why she keeps doing this." Every time he lies down, she curls up against his bad ear and won't leave him.
"Leave her. She purrs against my head and it helps drown out the ringing in my ear. I like it."
"Oh…" I didn't know that. I place her back on the bed and she immediately crawls back up on his shoulder, under his hair. It's so endearing that I want to take a picture, but now doesn't seem like the time for photos.
"I just talked to Dr. Hollister. She said you missed the last two video meetings."
"Fuck her. I'm sick of telling her how I feel."
I swallow hard. "It's part of the project, Tal. We agreed to it. Are you writing in your journal?"
He rolls his eyes. "Yes, I'm writing in my journal. You want to read it?"
Yes. Very much. I want to know what's going on in his head. I want to know how he feels about me. "No. It's private. If you don't follow the rules we agreed to, then you may not get the payment at the end."
He makes a face at me. "Do I look like I care about that? Or are you afraid you might not get your cut because I'm not playing by the rules? Don't worry, babe. I'll give you fifty grand in cash if you want to go."
I glare at him from the foot of the bed. "That's the last thing I'm worried about, Talon. I'm worried about you. I'm worried about us. Look at you. You've been in that bed for a week. The doctor said you have to move around, learn to fight the vertigo."
"Fuck him. Let him walk around falling into shit and get accused of being wasted all the time. I'm done with it."
"And you're always in a bad mood. We have two weeks left of this experiment, and I'm scared. Are you going to leave me?" Finally, I spit out my fears.
He puffs on his e-cig, which now has some sort of legal liquid weed or something in it that is supposed to calm him down, and gives me an expressionless stare.
"Do you want me to?" Even pissed off and being nasty, he looks so sexy and adorable to me lying in bed with the cat curled up against his head. I ache to have him teasing me again, playing cat and mouse with me again. I miss having him hold me all night.
"How can you even ask me that? You know I don't want that."
"No, I don't."
"Then you're stupid!" I yell at him and storm out of the room. That man is going to drive me crazy. I go downstairs to the kitchen, where I have homemade batter waiting to make his favorite cupcakes for him. In an effort to make him smile, I even bought special supplies and watched a video tutorial on how to make the white icing look like a little sculpted cat head, with candy eyes, ears, nose, and little whiskers.
Two hours later, he comes into the kitchen, bare chested, with faded jeans hanging low on his hips, unbuttoned. My insides quiver just looking at him, even though I'm still upset with him. He stares at the three-tiered platter of cat cupcakes.
"You made me cupcakes," he says, surprised. "Or are they soap?"
I turn to the sink to wash my hands. "No, they're real cupcakes."
"They're cats. Like Pixie."
"Yup."
"They look adorable. Almost too good to eat."
"Well, you better eat them. It took me hours to make them for you."
He comes around the kitchen island to stand closer to me. "You made me cupcakes? When I've been such an asshole? Why?"
I turn around to face him, fighting back the tears I've been holding in since our fight. "Because even though you've been an asshole, I want you to be happy. I want to see you smile again."
"You called me stupid."
"Sometimes you are."
He nods and bites the head off a cupcake. "You're right." He swallows, and he has a tiny bit of icing on his lip that he licks off, reminding me of how his tongue felt on my skin when he used to lick me all over. "These are fucking awesome, baby. I feel like I'm eating Pixie's head, though."
I laugh a little. "I didn't think of that when I made them."
He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. "Have you been crying?"
I try to look down, but he holds me still. "Yes…a little."
"I don't want to make you cry, Aze. I'm just—"
"I love you," I interrupt.
His eyes go huge. "What?"
I gulp and say it again. "I love you. And I don't know why you don't love me back." My voice cracks and a tear slides down my cheek as I stare up into his face.
He brushes his thumb across my cheek, wiping the tears. "Is that what you think?"
I nod, unable to talk. I never should have said anything.
"Then ya know what?" he says, taking a deep breath. "You're stupider than I am." He moves his hand to the back of my neck and pulls me hard against his lips. "I do love you. I love you more than anyone ever fucking loved anybody, okay?" My knees go weak as he kisses me, and I have to cling to his shoulders to hold myself up.
"That's a lot," I whisper.
"Damn fucking right."
He loves me.
He picks me up and heads for the living room, throwing me down on the couch and falling on top of me. "I'm afraid I'll drop you if I carry you up the stairs," he says, kissing me.
"The bed's too far away, anyway," I reply as we tear each other's clothes off and fling them around the living room. He kisses my neck, sucking hard enough that I know it will leave a mark, but I don't care. I only care that he's back to his normal self right now.
And he loves me!
His lips move down my body, his tongue dragging over my breasts and teasing my nipples before he continues down my stomach, making me shiver. He lifts my legs over his shoulders and lowers his head between my thighs, his mouth and fingers working magic on my pussy as he licks my folds and slowly slides two fingers into me.
I reach down and tangle my fingers in his hair, writhing beneath him but trying not to roll my hips too much. This is one of the few times we've been able to fool around without him getting dizzy, and I don't want to do anything to bring on an episode. After a few minutes of ecstasy, I gently pull him up to me.
"I want you inside me," I say, wrapping my legs around his waist.
"Say it first." He teases me with the head of his cock, rubbing it back and forth against my clit.
"I want you inside me," I repeat, squeezing his shoulders. God, I love how muscular and hard he feels.
"Not that…"
I groan in frustration, not sure what he wants, and grind myself against him.
"Talon, please…"
"Say it, and I'll give it to you, baby."
"I love you?"
"It's a question now?" He grins wickedly at me and continues his teasing, pressing against my opening.
"No. No question at all. I love you." I pull his head down and kiss his lips. "I love you." I kiss him again and push my hips to him. "I love you."
He slides his shaft into me slowly, making sure I feel every hard inch of him, until I've taken his full length.
"Wow, I love you," I breathe against him,
my hands sliding down his back. "So much."
Staring down into my eyes, his hair falling over us, I can see his expression change. His eyes soften and his lips curve into the smile that always melts me. He's like a happy little puppy, wagging his tail. He wants to be loved. Why did it take us so long to get here?
"I love you too, jelly bean. With every one of my fuckin' heartbeats."
Chapter 38
Talon