No.
“Fine. I’ll be waiting for you; you know that, right? And you’re getting a spanking when you come back,” I tease, trying to make her smile. She does, but it’s a sad smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, and it breaks me.
“Be good, Vandal. Don’t get all destructive and do things you will regret, okay? And give Sterling lots of love for me. I have to go now.” Tears spill from her eyes and she closes the door.
Fuck.
I don’t want to leave. I want to stand by her door until she comes out and lets me take her back home. I close my eyes and try to will her to come back, but she doesn’t. I’m still alone.
“Vandal. Come on,” Lukas yells from the street.
I wave my hand at him in annoyance and head to my car, but I start crying as soon as I try to get behind the wheel because she’s got the seat shoved so far forward I can’t get in. I can’t face the thought of her never standing on her tiptoes to kiss me again, or feeling her small body tucked up against mine while she sleeps. I can’t face the thought of never again seeing how beautiful she looks kneeling for me, and how adorable she looks sitting on the floor playing with Sterling.
I have to fix this. Somehow, I have to get her back.
***
Two months later, Sterling and I moved into a new house closer to the tattoo shop, and I sold the one that I lived with Katie in. Although it was bittersweet to sell it, the memories were too painful for me to stay there.
I text Tabitha every day to tell her I miss her, or to say hello, or to say good night. Sometimes she replies, but it’s always short. I’ll take what I can get.
Aria told me that if you picture something in your mind enough, you can manifest it into your life. I have a picture in my mind, of me, Tabi and Sterling living in a beautiful home, with a photography studio for her and a sex room adorned with lots of toys, a beautiful yard with lots of little whimsical statues, a Koi pond, candlelit dinners, lots of laughter, and no more secrets. The house I bought is everything I wanted and everything I know she wanted. It’s pretty barren inside for now, because I want to wait for her to decorate and furnish it. I don’t care, though. My hope is someday, she’ll live here with me. Until then, we’ll wait.
Asher let me and Sydni split the tour so I could play some of the concerts, and it worked out great for everyone. Being on stage was great therapy for me, and so is working at the tattoo shop with Lukas again. I feel like I belong for once, and have spent a little more time with my cousins getting to know them. Much to Asher and Storm’s dismay, the Get Vandalized! T-shirts have way outsold any of the other band T-shirts. I rub this in their faces every chance I get.
When Tabi left, I realized once again that I was at a fork in the road of my life. I could choose the road of self-destruction, which is the road I always took, or I could take the road that was smoother, straighter, and well lit.
If you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting.
Lukas said those words to me not long ago, urging me to choose the smooth road for once. Staying straight and sober, focusing on putting my life back together again, has definitely turned out much better than hacking my flesh and getting wasted every day.
I miss Tabitha so much it literally hurts, but I’m giving her the space she asked for. I didn’t think it would stretch out to six months so far, but I’m doing the best I can, dealing with it. I’ve turned down all sexual advances from the Sugar Kiss chicks, and other random hook-ups, staying true to my commitment to her. I’ve never jerked off so much in my entire friggen life but I refuse to break the commitment we made to each other. Until she can look me in the eye and tell me goodbye forever, I consider myself hers.
I stalk her new photography website and social media page more than I should, hoping I don’t turn into a raging lunatic if I ever see her mention another guy or see any flirting, but thankfully, I haven’t. I found out from Ivy that Tabi used Nick’s life insurance money to open a photography studio in town and purchase some new equipment. The girl takes some amazing photographs and I could not be more proud of her. I worry about her being alone all the time, but I guess that’s what she wants.
All I can do is wait, and hope. And wait.
And wait some more.
Tabitha
Its strange how when you’re hurt, you think nothing could ever hurt this much again. But that’s not true. When Nick died, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling a pain like that again. But losing Vandal not only ripped my heart out, but ripped half my soul out too.
Maybe it was the pain of all of it combined that did me in. Losing Nick. Deceiving Vandal. Struggling with my guilt. Falling in love with Vandal. Losing Vandal. Trying to figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted. I cracked like an egg.
I never had a very close relationship with my mother. My father left her when I was in high school and her focus shifted on dating and finding a new husband. I was okay with that because I was independent, and then I met Nick and was happy just living my own life and letting her live hers. But thankfully, the longer than usual silence from me after the break with Vandal disturbed her and she came to my house.
And then promptly had me committed to a private short-term mental health facility. Which, to be honest, wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was more like a spa with psychiatrists.
The flashbacks I started to have from the accident were awful. Nick and Renee died instantly, and Vandal was unconscious, but while we waited for the ambulance to come, I was conscious, and so was Katie. I remember crawling out of the car, bleeding and confused. I remember seeing things no one should ever see. I heard the crying. I will never not hear the crying. I tried to crawl to the crying and came across artwork in the road. I remember wondering why artwork was in the road, and why it was bumpy. Only it wasn’t the road at all, it was Vandal lying in the road, and I was staring at his tattooed arm. Then the crying stopped, and I was left alone with the bloody artwork, and I was scared until his hand slowly moved and touched mine, and didn’t let go until the ambulance came and the paramedics pulled us apart. I think he became mine right then.
I can never tell him what I remember, but I will never forget.
Therapy helped me immensely. The flashbacks and nightmares eventually stopped. I started to eat again. I stopped crying. Okay, I stopped crying as much. After a while, my head cleared and I was able to think and feel again, like a normal person. My therapist helped me put things into an understandable perspective. I didn’t tell the therapist about the D/s part of my relationship with Vandal. I know she would think it was abusive, but mostly, I just wanted to keep that part of my life private.
I used some of Nick’s life insurance money to take two photography classes that I could never afford before, and I purchased some new equipment. I started photographing engaged couples, children, pets, and then Sugar Kiss, and a few of the guys from Ashes & Embers. I got a few models together and did some surreal theme shoots in the woods. In just a few weeks, I had people calling me to shoot for them. I rented an itty-bitty studio in town. Finally, I was doing what I’d always wanted to do, and I was actually good at it.
I sold the house and found a small apartment near the studio. I couldn’t bring myself to buy a house, because a certain long-haired, sexy man that refused to give up had texted me photos of my dream house, with a cute little blind cat curled up on a beautiful window seat overlooking a pond. Come home, he texted with the photos. I wanted to jump in my car and drive right over, but I held back.
Lara asked me if I could possibly forgive him. And after much thinking and soul searching, I realized I didn’t have to forgive him. The accident was just that—an accident. He was a victim, just like the rest of us. He should have told me who he was, but now I understand his reasons for not telling me. None of us are perfect, and we all do things we’re not proud of. My therapist urged me to consider the fact that Vandal most likely didn’t learn much about right or wrong when he was young and didn’t have posit
ive role models to teach him.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. Every morning, I wanted to kiss him. I missed him bathing me. I missed having breakfast with him. I missed the sex, the submission, and the control. I missed his voice. I missed his eyes and his smile. I missed Sterling. I missed hearing his music and the way it floated into me. I missed feeling loved, cherished and desired. I missed us.
I tried to distract myself, but my thoughts always went back to him. I always wanted to call him to share my day with him. I wanted so badly to show him my studio.
Lara and I went to one of his concerts, and it was amazing watching him on stage. I enjoyed seeing girls flirt with him and watching him walk away from them, even though he didn’t know I was there. He still loved me. I finally came to terms with the fact that I was truly in love with this guy and I wanted him in my life, no matter what.
He texts me, once every day. I save them all. These are my favorites.
Good morning, sunshine
I fucking miss you
Hope you are having a great day
Sterling just barfed. I stepped in it. I know you’re laughing.
I miss waking up to you
Good night, Tabicat
I wish you were here
You will love this house.
Come home
Lukas says hi
Migraine all day :(
Rio showed me the pix. So proud of you.
My cock misses you
Do you ever think of me?
I miss your eyes
I hope you’re eating
Sweet dreams, Tabicat
I hope you call me someday
I hardly smile without you
I miss movie night
You were the best part of my day
Are you getting these?