Asher (Ashes & Embers 6)

“You want a separation?” I almost choke on the words.

She swallows hard and sniffles. “Not like a divorce separation. Just a little time apart.”

“We just did that.”

“I know, but that was just a week. And you stayed here the entire time waiting for me to come home. Just like you waited all that time for me to wake up. It’s not right, Asher.”

“You said you missed me.”

“I did. A lot. I think that’s a good thing. But you have to remember, I only just met you a few months ago. This—you—is all new for me, and in a lot of ways, I’m new for you too.” She takes a big breath. “I’m not sure how to say all this the right way. After I found the stuff on the iPad, it was like getting hit by a brick. It really hurt me, Ash, and it was an eye opener that we both have things to think about and resolve—separate and together. I feel like we need to take a little step back. Reset. Start over.”

I run my hands through my hair and squeeze the back of my head. I can’t believe this is happening to us. The last thing I want is more time away from my wife. All I want is more time with her. I don’t want to step back. Time apart and needing space are not solutions we’ve ever believed in.

I reach for her hand and gently rub my thumb across her knuckles. “Babe, I think spending time together, is what we need. So we can get to know each other more. Get closer.”

“I know… But…I’m still very lost, still new to this life I landed in. I’ve tried so hard to mesh into this marriage, this family. I really do care about you all.” A tear drips down her cheek, and she squeezes my hand tight, not releasing it. “But I think I need some time to get to know myself, figure out who I am now, decide what I want to do with my new life. Do some heart-searching. I need that before I can fully commit to relationships with anyone.”

I stare into her eyes, searching for my wife, the woman who promised to never, ever leave me or walk away when things got hard.

She’s got to be in there somewhere. “We can get through this, babe. Together.”

She stares off out the window for a few moments. “Do you remember right before I left the hospital, I was nervous about coming here with you? I wanted to have my own place for a while? In hindsight, I think that would’ve been better. I think me coming here right away was too soon, for both of us.”

“But look how far we’ve come. You’ve had some memories. We’ve gotten closer—”

“That’s true, but I think we both needed more time to get used to…” She searches for the right word. “To me, I guess. I think I needed time to recover without the pressure of being married to, and living with, a stranger. I know my team of doctors thought this was best for me, to come home and resume my life surrounded by memories, and I thought so too, but now, I’m just not so sure.”

“I’m so sorry, babe. I only wanted you to feel like you were home.”

“I know that. But I think it was just too much, too soon. I don’t think you were ready to have me living here, either. We were strangers to each other. It was too much change all at once for you to have me in a coma for so long, and then in a matter of months, I’m back here, and we’re trying to just pick up where we left off eight years ago. But as we’ve found out, it’s been a total mental trip for both of us. Part of you is still stuck in caretaker mode, and part of me is still stuck in Ember-is-someone-else mode, and it’s done a lot of emotional damage to both of us that’s still lingering.” She exhales and tries to catch her breath.

“Maybe you’re right,” I say over the lump in my throat. “I just wanted to have you home.”

Tears stream down her cheeks when my voice cracks.

“I’m sorry,” she sobs, reaching out to put her arms around me. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Holding her tight against me, I breathe in the unfamiliar scent of her new perfume, and it’s a bit of a nail in the coffin of everything she’s just said. “I know. I don’t want to hurt you, either. Ever.”

She pulls away and looks into my eyes. “I did a lot of thinking at Katherine’s. She and I talked for hours every day, and it helped me so much to put things in a better perspective, and even though she’s my sister, she didn’t take sides.”