“Like how much I miss you and can’t wait to kiss you.”
“That’s funny,” she says. “I was thinking the same thing. And excuse me, are you always sitting around shirtless on the tour bus? Or is this a special viewing for me?”
Laughing, I wink at the camera. “It’s just for you. If your camera was working, you could be doing the same.”
“Aw. I’ll see if I can get it to work tomorrow. Seeing you like that is making me miss you even more, though.”
We chat until we’re both fighting to stay awake, our voices growing woozy. Tonight’s been one of the best talk-a-thons we’ve had—bouncing back and forth from flirty banter to deep questions, and I want it to last as long as possible. But it’s almost three a.m., and if I don’t get some sleep, I’ll be useless tomorrow.
“I don’t want to go,” I finally say, straining to keep my eyes open. “But I should. You should get some rest too.”
“I hate saying goodbye to you.”
“I do too, babe.”
“I’m going to go dream about you now. Remember you used to say that all the time when we were touring? Dream of us?”
My heart kick-starts with surprise, and I sit up with a jolt, almost knocking the laptop over. “Yeah,” I reply, grinning. “I do.” I hope she sees the smile on my face, the excitement and hope in my eyes. “Dream of us, baby. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
Flipping the laptop lid closed, I take a deep breath, my blood rushing with the adrenaline of realizing she just had another memory of us.
In my mind, our love is like a book. I treasure every pageespecially those we haven’t written yet. But part of me will always hold the pages of our past close to my heart, and I’ll always hope that someday she’ll be able to look back to those chapters with me, and remember our story again.
Chapter Forty-Five
For the first time since I woke up in that hospital bed months ago, I feel good.
I feel alive. Content.
How much time has passed? I don’t know. I don’t even care.
I refuse to let time haunt me, define me, or hinder me.
Today is what matters to me, because that’s all I have. I can’t change the past. I can’t even remember the past. I learned the hard way that none of us know what tomorrow will bring.
I still read the journals almost every day, but I’m not reading them for the sole purpose of finding out about past Ember or to spark a memory. Now, I read them to learn about the people in my life. Asher. Kenzi. Tor. Katherine. Sydni.
I personally don’t worry about memories of Ember anymore. If I were to remember everything right now, would it change my life?
Not really.
I’d still be right where I am at this moment. In this house, trying to build a life with my husband. Would remembering my past change my future in any way? I don’t think so. Sure, it would be nice to remember the people I love and how we got where we are. But I’m starting to love them all on my own, and they love me.
I’m happy with that.
Finally, I can look in the mirror and be happy with who and what I see. The woman looking back at me doesn’t seem like a stranger anymore. I don’t see a ghost haunting me in the reflection.
I only see me.
I love to paint. Not just pretty scenes on canvas, but the walls of the house. There’s something about the change that speaks to me. The lighter shade covering the dark—the fresh, new mood it evokes. How the room is the same but different.
Refreshed.
As I’m painting the baseboard trim around the living room, I get a text from Kenzi.
Kenzi: Just wanted to say hi. How’s everything?
Me: Good. I’m painting the trim.
Kenzi: Do you want me to come help you?
Me: No, I’m doing good.
Kenzi: Are you sure? I don’t mind coming over.
Me: I’m sure, but thank you. How are you doing? How’s the baby?
Kenzi: We’re good. Just missing Tor a lot. :(
Me: I know how you feel. I miss Asher too.
Kenzi: Just two more weeks. We can do this!
Me: We can! Xo
Kenzi: I feel bad we haven’t seen each other.
Me: Me too. :( I just didn’t want to risk getting the baby sick.
Kenzi: It sucks you had the flu. Are you feeling better? Daddy is worried about you.
Waves of guilt course through me. I feel awful that they’ve been worried about me. I didn’t think taking alone time would be so hard or make me feel like such a horrible person.
Me: I feel a lot better. I’m just catching up on all the stuff I’m behind on.
Kenzi: Same. Feel free to call, text, or come over if you get bored or want to talk.