Because I’d stopped caring about life I’d told myself I could do this for her sake. It wasn’t like I was going to marry anyone else somewhere down the line. And mom was right; I still had life in me and was at that age where I should start thinking about kids.
I had no real interest in any of it, but her words had finally broken through my resolve and like she said, who better than the daughter of an old family friend who’d been a part of my life in one way or another for as long as I can remember? Someone who had been by my side when shit was at its darkest.
But now I see how selfish that was even though I’d done it for her. Even though she’d said it didn’t matter, that the feelings would come with time.
I would’ve ruined both our lives by going through with a marriage that I didn’t want with a woman I didn’t love and never will. If only I could get her to understand. But she’s the one who kept pushing in her own way.
She wanted to save me I know, because that’s the kind of friend she is. I know she’s in love with me. And even though she thinks that that’s enough, I know better. I’ve been in love, still am, with someone else.
I walked out of the room with her hot on my trail, pleading, but her words meant nothing to me. It was as if my eyes were finally open and I was thinking clearly again.
It had been a while since I’d been able to get ahold of my thoughts, a while since I’d cared about anything. That’s the reason why I’d agreed to the wedding, because I didn’t care.
But the closer we get to that day, the more I’ve been coming out of my shell. I know it would be wrong, and though she may not see things my way now, she’d understand some day in the future. Hopefully when she finds someone to love her the way she deserves to be. Sure as fuck it’s not me.
I know this is going to cause a lot of heartache and grief to a lot of people but I can’t do it. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me. And most importantly, it’s not fair to the woman who might still be out there somewhere waiting for me to come get her. My mind flashed to the dream again and I hurried my pace.
The closer I got to the door the slacker the noose around my neck seemed to get. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t in a long time. I was almost running at the end.
I shrugged off her hand when she clutched my arm and finally allowed myself to look at her. Guilt ate away at me when I saw the tears in her eyes but they weren’t enough to stop me this time. “I’m sorry Mindy, I can’t.”
I went out the door for what may be the last time as she called out to me, choosing to leave it at that. There was nothing left to say. I’d never lied to her, never pretended to feel something that wasn’t there. At least I didn’t have that on my conscience.
I heard her cry out for me but forced myself to keep going. I was as sure as I was breathing that there were no words that could make me take back the ones I’d just said.
Cade
I didn’t look back as I hopped into my Range Rover and drove off. That feeling of being freed was strong and I no longer felt like there was led in my gut. I hadn’t felt this good since the day I agreed to marry her.
I spoke too soon because I didn’t get far before I became suddenly ill, like I had to throw up. I breathed in deep as my vision blurred and my heart rate sped up. What the hell?
I shook my head to clear it but that only brought more pain and the ache in my gut intensified. There was a drum beating in my temples and the light glare from the streetlights and oncoming cars seemed too bright. Like piercing lasers shooting into my skull.
My head began to spin and I got the shakes. Bile rose up in my gut and I knew I was going to pass out. What the hell? I’d been feeling off all evening, ever since I got to Mindy’s place but nothing like this.
I’d blamed it on the guilt I felt because I knew what I had to do, but now the feeling was more intense. I felt like I was about to lose control, like my limbs were about to give out on me.