The Returned

No one knew where to find her or where to look. And after months of trying on my own, when I forsook everything else to search for her, I’d had to let it go to keep myself from going insane.

It was the hardest thing I’d ever done, like ripping open my chest and pulling my heart out with my bare hand. But at the time I could see no other way. Not after I’d done all it was possible for me to do.

But this very moment, even as I felt like I was going insane or about to die, I felt renewed vigor. Two years might seem like a lot to some, those who’d told me it was time to move on. To hell with them and that!

It was our love the love we shared that had kept me going in the beginning. And that love had never wavered. I have never stopped believing what my heart was telling me.

I would know if she was gone, if her life flow had ended. That’s how close we were, are. Two halves of the same whole. If I’m still alive, then dammit so is she.

My hands tightened on the wheel as I felt a renewed sense of excitement. How had I allowed myself to grow lax? How could I have even entertained the thought of giving up on my search for her?

As my heart raced for a different reason now, I felt my vision blur again as I made my way slowly through the streets to home.

My skin grew clammy with sweat and I realized that the faster my heart raced the sicker I felt. I had to fight to control my breathing and keep my thoughts in check.

I kept below the speed limit, as I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. My thoughts kept fluctuating back and forth between light and dark. One minute I felt hopeful and the next…

Maybe I’m dying. Maybe that’s for the best. Again the thought that maybe in death I will see her again intruded. I actually felt real joy at the thought of seeing her again. Zandi.

I felt pain rip through me at the thought of her name. A name I hadn’t allowed myself to utter in so long. Why now? Why was it that I felt her so strongly tonight?

I broke out in a cold sweat as I crossed the bridge and finally had to pull over to the side. Thank heaven it was late evening and traffic was light.

I went hot and cold as I flung myself out of the jeep and over to the side rail where I emptied the contents of my stomach.

I barely kept myself upright by hanging onto the rail as my knees went weak. The lights coming off the water went in and out of my vision and the distant noise from the other traffic seemed like it was coming from miles away.

The ringing in my ears amped up and I knew there was no way I would make it home. What the fuck is wrong with me? I had the presence of mind to fumble around in my pocket for my phone and call my brother. He answered on the second ring.

“I think I’m in trouble.” He didn’t ask anything more than my location. It was the last thing I said before the darkness came.

I woke up in the hospital disoriented, with my head splitting in two. I knew it was a hospital because of the fucked up lighting and the sounds of the machines they had me hooked up to.

I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and turned my head slowly in that direction. My family was there, mom, dad, and my brother Mike.

Mom rushed to my side taking my hand in hers. “Oh baby you’re awake. You’re going to be fine.” Then why was she crying and why did my dad and my brother look like hell?

“What happened?” My voice sounded hoarse and my body felt as if I’d been put through a meat grinder. I tried sitting up but it took too much effort so I gave up.

“They’re not sure yet son, maybe something you ate or some sort of bug. They’re still running tests but they were able to get you stabilized for now.”

None of what she was saying made any sense but I’ll have to think about that some other time. Right now I had a more pressing need. I looked around the room but she wasn’t here.

I felt the disappointment and the loss was as raw as it had been that first day. It had all been a dream then. But it had seemed so real.

I’d smelt her and felt her, so how is it that she’s not really here? My heart broke all over again as I closed my eyes against the thoughts. Where are you baby? What happened to you?