Sledgehammer (Hard to Love 2)

We sit like that for a long time. Long after I’ve drained gallons of tears onto his dress shirt, and wiped my snots on his shoulder. Long after the hiccups stop.

“My ass is killing me,” he quietly admits. We both snort and chuckle.

I’m about to get off his lap when he grips me closer. Tucking me securely against his chest, he stands with no effort whatsoever. When he places me on the bed, I have no choice but let go of his neck and instantly feel the loss of him.

I can’t remember ever letting anybody other than Camilla catch me in such a vulnerable state. Face wrecked and raw, soul laid bare, emotions delicate, and ego battered. And yet my natural instinct to protect myself, to put a brave face on it remains quiet. The dragon sleeps peacefully.

For a moment he doesn’t move, only stands there watching me while the moonlight spilling in through the open curtains traces his features in blue, his expression serious. I’m too tired to try and decipher what it means, or what he’s doing when he strips off the tear soaked shirt and gets into bed next to me. I don’t even make a peep when he hauls me against his side and wraps me in his arms again.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No…it’s embarrassing.”

“More embarrassing than looking like road kill on New Year’s Eve?”

I snort and pinch the non-existent fat of his waist. “Ouch.”

“You deserved it. And yes, more embarrassing than that.”

“I think you’ll feel better if you talk about it. We’re friends. Isn’t that what friends do for each other?”

Friends. He’s turned into the best friend a girl could wish for. That alone makes me want to get hysterical again. In the silence, I listen to him breathe, feel the steady beat of his generous heart under my palm.

“I went to see my grandmother today.” When I don’t continue, he squeezes me closer and waits. No platitudes, no easy assurances, no junk––just patience and gentle persistence. In the end that’s what persuades me to tell him everything.

“My grandmother’s the one who raised me. My grandfather died shortly after I moved in so I never got a chance to know him. My grandmother was old school.” I catch my mistake. Was…is. Is she anymore? “I mean she’s old school. You know, children should be seen and not heard and all that. When I was in high school, I had to harass her to buy me jeans. If it was up to her I would’ve been wearing skirts and dresses to school. I wasn’t allowed to date, so of course I was always sneaking out and getting grounded. My curfew was always much earlier than everyone else’s. But over the years we learned to get along.

“My sophomore year at Yale I got a call from the police. She’d forgotten how to get home from the grocery store. That’s how I discovered that she had Alzheimer’s. She’d been keeping it a secret for a while. Anyway––I dropped out of school and moved back home.”

“Hmm.”

“She knew she could count on me. The only reason she insisted on making my mother power of attorney was because she wanted me to finish school and pursue my career. She didn’t want her illness to hold me back.”

“She loves you.”

Memories barge in uninvited, dragging me back to my childhood. “I used to think she hated me. She was always correcting me, criticizing me. She thought that changing me would make my life easier.”

“What happened today?”

I burrow closer to him and still I’m not close enough. I want to get so lost under his skin that they have to send a search party to find me.

“She’s getting worse. She doesn’t remember me.” Disembodied, my voice sounds far away, as if it doesn’t belong to me. “She said some horrible things.”

“She’s sick. She doesn’t mean it.”

The weight on my chest is too much. It’s crushing the air from my lungs.

“I know. But it’s hard…she’s the only person in my family that’s ever been in my corner, that’s ever…” My voice fades out of existence. I can’t say it out loud. I can’t. It’s too humiliating.

“Ever loved you.”

All I can do is nod, my face brushing against his undershirt while his fingers run through my hair, combing it back.

“She might’ve been the first person to love you, but she won’t be the last.”

Madness comes on. The lyrics ‘inadvertent hero, an angel in disguise’ rise above the rest. I can’t disagree with Alanis.

Chapter Nineteen

The time has come for the dratted birthday party.

Me: I can’t go. I have nothing to wear.

Needless to say I am decidedly uncomfortable with the idea of not only meeting his entire family, but worse yet having to pretend to be his date because he can’t manage to convince one little old lady that he is in fact not gay. I’ve never witnessed anyone coming out as straight. I’m not even sure it’s a thing.