Isn’t like I’m sharing it with anyone.
Great, now I’m thinking of Chandler.
I’m so dumb. Nothing could ever happen between us. If things are rocky with my brother now, I can just imagine how bad they would get if we hooked up. Not that we’re hooking up. I glance down at my hand and roll my eyes. This is ridiculous. I am in no place to even consider calling or texting him. I lean against the counter, tracing his number with my finger. I can’t. I won’t.
I push off the counter and head to the front door where my mail is lying on the floor. I know my mailman probably wants me to get a mailbox, but I like the door slot. It’s charming. As long as my neighbors don’t have one, I won’t get one. As I head back to the counter, I look through my mail, which is mostly bills. When I come to one envelope from my lawyer, my chest goes tight. I glance up at the calendar and see the date.
“Right on time,” I mutter as I open the envelope to a check.
My hush money.
I throw it down on the counter and swallow back the tears. I refuse to think about anything that has to do with Drew. I was actually having an okay day, but now, after getting that, a huge reminder of my shittastic marriage and knowing I have to call Ryan, I can pretty much chalk this day up to shit. Though, I did see Chandler. And he did hug me.
I exhale loudly as I walk out the open sliding doors onto my porch. I lean on the railing before pulling out my phone and hitting Ryan’s number. He answers on the first ring.
“Wow. I didn’t expect you to call.”
“I told you I would.”
He exhales heavily, and I close my eyes as the ocean air whips my hair around. “How are you?”
“Alive.”
“That’s a plus.”
“Eh, some days.”
“Am, what’s going on? What’s with the radio silence?” My brother’s voice is so desperate, so full of hurt, and it guts me. Not many can say they’re close to their siblings, but Ryan and I always were. “I miss you. Mom misses you. Sofia, Elli, Shea, everyone… We miss you.”
I swallow back my sob. “I’m just trying to figure out my life.”
“Can we not help?”
They turned their backs on me. “You didn’t want to help, remember?”
I’m met with silence. “That’s not how it was.”
“But it was,” I insist. “You stood there as Mom and Shea looked down at me and told me to choose—the family or Drew. You were on their side, not mine.”
“He was garbage. You gave up everything for him.”
He only knows the half of it. “Which was my choice. I followed my heart. Was it a mistake? Yes. But it was my mistake. Y’all had no right to do that to me.”
“But we knew you were making the wrong choice.” I can hear the irritation in his voice.
“So? If I thought you and Sofia were wrong together, and I told you to leave her or you’d lose me, what would you do? You’d choose her because you love her.”
“Amelia, Sofia is nowhere even close to what Drew is. He made you give up everything. I never asked Sofia to do that, nor did she ask me. You deserved better. You deserved the world, and he couldn’t give you that. Obviously.”
“It was my choice,” I reiterate. “No one’s but mine. So when y’all turned your backs on me, I knew you wouldn’t be there for me when I needed you. So I went off on my own.”
“Amelia, it isn’t like that. I was mad, but if you’d called me and asked me to come get you, I would have. I would do anything for you.”
Tears well up in my eyes as I look out at the ocean. In the far distance, a family of dolphins swims happily. I wish I were a dolphin and not a human with too many feelings.
“I’m so sorry, Amelia. I never meant to make you feel like I wouldn’t be there for you. I never meant to make you cut off contact with us. I thought you would change your mind.”
I scoff. “When has an ultimatum ever worked on me? I’m not nine anymore. I’m an adult, and I made an adult decision. Yes, you were right, it was not the best, but I learned. I’m using this time to find me. If I come home, I’ll sulk, and Mom will baby me. You’ll baby me. Everyone will, ’cause that’s what we do. We care passionately for our family, and I love that. But, Ryan, I need to stand on my own feet. I need to find me again.”
His voice breaks a bit as he says, “I love you, Amelia.”
My heart aches. “Ryan, I love you too. I do, and I miss you guys so much.”