Hard Hit (IceCats 3)

She nods. “It’s completely unfair that she does that, and I’m sorry she behaves that way. What can I do to make it better?”

I meet her gaze. “Just being here makes it better, Jay,” I admit, and she walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me. “I tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, and I often fear I’m not good enough for anyone to stay for. I think that’s why it took so long for me to really fight for you.”

She cups my face, gazing up at me. “We are good. I promise you, Kirby. Our relationship is sound. I mean, I told my mom about you. I even called you my boyfriend—or manfriend, I can’t remember—but I admitted to being in a relationship with you. Don’t question us.”

I grin, cupping her ass in my hands. “I try not to. I know I asked you to stay and I know you’re not ready, but I worry that’s one of those things that’ll fuck with me. Like, why can’t I be your safe haven? I go over it again and again. How can I make it better for you because I don’t want you to leave? Ever. I want you here. Forever—” I pause, pressing my lips together. “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like I’m guilting you. I’m not. I just want you. All the time.”

She runs her fingers along my jaw, her eyes soft. But I can see the fear in them. “I want the same, Kirby. I do. But the sleeping-over thing is a shitshow for me. I swear I am trying. I stay here all day, but then it gets to nighttime, and I freak. I just feel so exposed, not in my bed. Maybe I need to go back to therapy for it.”

“I’ve done a lot of therapy.”

“I have too,” she says grudgingly. “I didn’t like it that much. Hated it, actually.”

“I’ll go with you,” I volunteer, holding her close. “If it helps you. Though, I’m unsure if that’s allowed.”

She grins. “I don’t know. I’m not truly committed to the therapy thing, not my jam. I don’t like talking about things I can’t defeat.”

“I hear that, but we can’t succeed without figuring out what is holding us back. And sometimes a therapist is the one to help with that.”

She holds my gaze. “Or maybe it takes the help of an incredible man.”

I kiss her nose. “I can be that for you.”

“You already are,” she whispers against my lips. “I wonder…I may need you to get me liquored up so I can’t drive.”

My eyes dance with hers. “I can arrange that.”

“I bet you can,” she laughs, leaning into me. “I’m trying. I promise.”

“I know,” I say as confidently as I can. “I wanted you to know my struggles—”

“Don’t call it that. I don’t call a chemical imbalance in your brain a struggle. It’s an obstacle, and fuck that obstacle—you can beat it.”

She gives me such confidence. “I can. I know I can. I just get in my head.”

“Yes. And I get it. You’ve been left behind a lot and no one has ever put you first, but Kirby, I will. I can, no problem. And, ugh, okay, so I wasn’t going to tell you this because doing so makes it really, really real, but the reason I don’t want Willa telling Feliciana about us isn’t because I’m worried how it will make me look. Or that I have to defend us.”

I eye her, confused. “Then what is it?”

“If they asked me to choose between you and my job, I know it’s early in our relationship and that I won’t sleep here and that I may be terrified of being in a relationship, but—” She pauses, her eyes searching mine. “But I wouldn’t be able to choose my job over you.”

Talk about being hit harder than ever. I feel as if I’m playing goalie without pads, letting Chandler beam me with pucks, but it feels so damn good. I gaze down into her brown depths, falling deeper and deeper in love with her. “Really?”

“Really. I should have realized it all those times I left my office in the middle of the day with no thought at all except just to be with you or Celeste. You two have wiggled your way to the number one position in my life, and I’m honestly okay with it. I never thought it would happen since I love my job—but I want it. My demons are just that, demons. But I will beat them, and I will find my safe haven. With you. I just need some time.”

I lean toward her, capturing her mouth with mine as my heart pounds in my chest. I can feel hers pounding just as hard, and I couldn’t imagine this moment to be any better. This is working; we’re building a beautiful relationship, and I couldn’t be happier.