Wild Tendy (IceCats 2)

“Are you ignoring it here?”

Am I? Does Aviva not want to date me? Was it really just a fuck? But if so, then why did she share all that shit with me? Why did she comfort me? Hold me so tenderly when I was nervous about her thinking I was weird. It doesn’t make sense. Talk about some mixed signals. “I don’t think so.”

She gives me a small smile. Not just a kind one, but one full of sympathy. “With your diagnosis, Nico, you tend not to pick up on social cues. You see what you want. And it’s my job—”

“No, it’s different with her,” I insist, my voice getting louder. “It felt different. She talked to me about things she’s never told anyone.”

“Okay,” she says slowly. “But you have to remember, you feel differently from other people. You use sex as an outlet to feel things—”

“For fuck’s sake, stop with the handbook!” I roar, slamming back in the chair. “I’m not a bad fucking guy.”

“Nico, I never said you were.”

“She made me sound like a whore. I like sex. What’s wrong with that? I love women. But this one… This one is special. I want her.”

Her eyes meet mine, full of compassion. “But Nico, she might not want you, and that’s okay.”

I look away, my throat getting tight.

“Have you told her—”

“Fuck no.”

She pauses, and then I hear her writing something down.

Patient is a huge jackass.

I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose. “I lashed out at her.”

“Why did you lash out?”

I squirm in my seat, embarrassed. “Because I felt abandoned. I have never had a girl leave like that. Usually I have to force them to leave. But I felt like Aviva was rejecting me. And now I think I’ve ruined it with her.”

“Have you spoken to her since that happened?”

“No,” I say softly. “I’ve kept my distance, and she’s kept hers.”

“And you associate that with your bad playing?”

I nod. “I’m not focused. I’m too busy replaying everything over and over again. I want to see her again, but this nagging feeling inside me says she doesn’t want to see me. Then, she is prideful as hell, so she’d rather cut off her arm than call me. I don’t know. I really like her. She’s spunky as all get-out and smart. Really strong, even though her confidence is shaken. So gorgeous and makes one hell of a sub.” I smile, though I still don’t look at her. “I miss her and her sister. I was helping her sister with math.”

When she doesn’t say anything, I glance up at her. Once I’m looking at her, she says, “I think that if you want to see her, talk to her, you need to. Or you’ll stay in this funk.”

I lick my lips as I look away. “What if she doesn’t want to see me?”

“Then you know,” she says softly. “But you need to see for yourself.”

I know I need to agree or disagree with her, but I’m in my head. I was such an ass to Aviva. How do I go in and ask what she wants? What if she doesn’t want what I want? And then…what do I even want? I want her. I understand my history and I know my track record, but I also know that the right woman could change everything. The one I want to work for. The one I want to see. The one I want to make happy. All of that points to Aviva. To Callie. I care for them both.

“Did you do your homework, Nico?”

Fuck me. “I didn’t.” I look up just in time to see the disappointment on her face. “But I was honest about what I liked and didn’t like with Aviva. She almost touched my helmet, and I stopped her.”

“Did you yell?”

I shake my head quickly. “No, I calmly asked her not to touch it.”

“That’s wonderful. Better than when you snatched it out of that girl’s hand and screamed at her.”

I nod. “Yeah, I don’t know why that girl slept with me.”

She smiles. “Why haven’t you told anyone?”

The thought of opening up that part of myself honestly freaks me out. “Same reason as before. I don’t want people to look at me differently.”

“The right people won’t.”

I swallow hard as I nod.

“You could tell Aviva.”

I scoff. “She’ll think it’s a line to get her to be with me.”

She doesn’t disagree. “I feel your best bet would be Chandler.”

I think that over for a moment. I could tell him, but just as I think that, the fear consumes me. I’ve been best friends with this guy for a long time. We share everything and he’s seen my neurotic ways, but can I tell him about that part of me?

* * *

I’m thinking of Aviva and Dr. Jenkins as I drive.

Since Aviva shared what she did with me, I feel sharing with her would be fair. But something holds me back. I fear she’ll think I’m using my condition to get her to like me. When, really, I’m terrified she’ll run the other way. As much as I want to tell Chandler, I don’t think I can. Not yet. He knows I’m phobic and anxious here and there, but he doesn’t know the full extent of it. I don’t want him to treat me any differently. I don’t want him to feel sorry for me. I don’t want things to change. I like how my life is now. I like that no one knows. It does worry me that when I have my episodes, people think I’m just a jackass instead of knowing the truth. That I’m suffering inside.