Chapter 6: Followed
The light was finally fading outside the windows. The day, hot for March, had lingered on and on, as if reluctant to end and set me free.
I sniffled and twisted the wet handkerchief into another knot. "Kathy, you must have other obligations. Curt will be wondering where you are. "
"He'll understand. "
"I can't stay here forever. And we're no closer to an answer than before. "
"Quick fixes aren't my specialty. You are decided against a new host -"
"Yes. "
"So dealing with this will probably take some time. "
I clenched my teeth in frustration.
"And it will go faster and more smoothly if you have some help. "
"I'll be better with making my appointments, I promise. "
"That's not exactly what I mean, though I hope you will. "
"You mean help. . . other than you?" I cringed at the thought of having to relive today's misery with a stranger. "I'm sure you're just as qualified as any Comforter-more so. "
"I didn't mean another Comforter. " She shifted her weight in the chair and stretched stiffly. "How many friends do you have, Wanderer?"
"You mean people at work? I see a few other teachers almost every day. There are several students I speak to in the halls. . . "
"Outside of the school?"
I stared at her blankly.
"Human hosts need interaction. You're not used to solitude, dear. You shared an entire planet's thoughts -"
"We didn't go out much. " My attempt at humor fell flat.
She smiled slightly and went on. "You're struggling so hard with your problem that it's all you can concentrate on. Maybe one answer is to not concentrate quite so hard. You said Melanie grows bored during your working hours. . . that she is more dormant. Perhaps if you developed some peer relationships, those would bore her also. "
I pursed my lips thoughtfully. Melanie, sluggish from the long day of attempted comfort, did seem rather unenthused by the idea.
Kathy nodded. "Get involved with life rather than with her. "
"That makes sense. "
"And then there are the physical drives these bodies have. I've never seen or heard of their equal. One of the most difficult things we of the first wave had to conquer was the mating instinct. Believe me, the humans noticed when you didn't. " She grinned and rolled her eyes at some memory. When I didn't react as she'd expected, she sighed and crossed her arms impatiently. "Oh, come now, Wanderer. You must have noticed. "
"Well, of course," I mumbled. Melanie stirred restlessly. "Obviously. I've told you about the dreams. . . "
"No, I didn't mean just memories. Haven't you come across anyone that your body has responded to in the present-on strictly a chemical level?"
I thought her question through carefully. "I don't think so. Not so I've noticed. "
"Trust me," Kathy said dryly. "You'd notice. " She shook her head. "Perhaps you should open your eyes and look around for that specifically. It might do you a lot of good. "
My body recoiled from the thought. I registered Melanie's disgust, mirrored by my own.
Kathy read my expression. "Don't let her control how you interact with your kind, Wanderer. Don't let her control you. "
My nostrils flared. I waited a moment to answer, reining in the anger that I'd never quite gotten used to.
"She does not control me. "
Kathy raised an eyebrow.
The anger tightened my throat. "You did not look too far afield for your current partner. Was that choice controlled?"
She ignored my anger and considered the question thoughtfully.
"Perhaps," she finally said. "It's hard to know. But you've made your point. " She picked at a string in the hem of her shirt, and then, as if realizing that she was avoiding my gaze, folded her hands resolutely and squared her shoulders. "Who knows how much comes from any given host on any given planet? As I said before, I think time is probably your answer. Whether she grows apathetic and silent gradually, allowing you to make another choice besides this Jared, or. . . well, the Seekers are very good. They're already looking for him, and maybe you'll remember something that helps. "
I didn't move as her meaning sank in. She didn't seem to notice that I was frozen in place.
"Perhaps they'll find Melanie's love, and then you can be together. If his feelings are as fervent as hers, the new soul will probably be amenable. "
"No!" I wasn't sure who had shouted. It could have been me. I was full of horror, too.
I was on my feet, shaking. The tears that came so easily were, for once, absent, and my hands trembled in tight fists.
"Wanderer?"
But I turned and ran for the door, fighting the words that could not come out of my mouth. Words that could not be my words. Words that made no sense unless they were hers, but they felt like mine. They couldn't be mine. They couldn't be spoken.
That's killing him! That's making him cease to be! I don't want someone else. I want Jared, not a stranger in his body! The body means nothing without him.
I heard Kathy calling my name behind me as I ran into the road.
I didn't live far from the Comforter's office, but the darkness in the street disoriented me. I'd gone two blocks before I realized I was running in the wrong direction.
People were looking at me. I wasn't dressed for exercise, and I wasn't jogging, I was fleeing. But no one bothered me; they politely averted their eyes. They would guess that I was new to this host. Acting out the way a child would.
I slowed to a walk, turning north so that I could loop around without passing Kathy's office again.
My walk was only slightly slower than a run. I heard my feet hitting the sidewalk too quickly, as though they were trying to match the tempo of a dance song. Slap, slap, slap against the concrete. No, it wasn't like a drumbeat, it was too angry. Like violence. Slap, slap, slap. Someone hitting someone else. I shuddered away from the horrible image.
I could see the lamp on over my apartment door. It hadn't taken me long to cover the distance. I didn't cross the road, though.
I felt sick. I remembered what it felt like to vomit, though I never had. The cold wetness dewed on my forehead, the hollow sound rang in my ears. I was pretty sure I was about to have that experience for my own.
There was a bank of grass beside the walk. Around a streetlamp there was a well-trimmed hedge. I had no time to look for a better place. I stumbled to the light and caught the post to hold myself up. The nausea was making me dizzy.
Yes, I was definitely going to experience throwing up.
"Wanderer, is that you? Wanderer, are you ill?"
The vaguely familiar voice was impossible to concentrate on. But it made things worse, knowing I had an audience as I leaned my face close to the bush and violently choked up my most recent meal.
"Who's your Healer here?" the voice asked. It sounded far away through the buzzing in my ears. A hand touched my arched back. "Do you need an ambulance?"
I coughed twice and shook my head. I was sure it was over; my stomach was empty.
"I'm not ill," I said I as pulled myself upright using the lamppost for support. I looked over to see who was watching my moment of disgrace.
The Seeker from Chicago had her cell phone in her hand, trying to decide which authority to call. I took one good look at her and bent over the leaves again. Empty stomach or no, she was the last person I needed to see right now.
But, as my stomach heaved uselessly, I realized that there would be a reason for her presence.
Oh, no! Oh, no no no no no no!
"Why?" I gasped, panic and sickness stealing the volume from my voice. "Why are you here? What's happened?" The Comforter's very uncomforting words pounded in my head.
I stared at the hands gripping the collar of the Seeker's black suit for two seconds before I realized they were mine.
"
Stop!" she said, and there was outrage on her face. Her voice rattled.
I was shaking her.
My hands jerked open and landed against my face. "Excuse me!" I huffed. "I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing. "