The Host (The Host 1)

Chapter 43: Frenzied

I imagined that from the outside, I looked as still as a statue. My hands were folded in front of me, my face was without expression, my breathing was too shallow to move my chest.

Inside, I was spinning apart, as if the pieces of my atoms were reversing polarity and blowing away from one another.

Bringing Melanie back had not saved him. All that I could do was not enough.

The hall outside our room was crowded. Jared, Kyle, and Ian were back from their desperate raid, empty-handed. A cooler of ice-that was all they had to show for three days of risking their lives. Trudy was making compresses and laying them across Jamie's forehead, the back of his neck, his chest.

Even if the ice cooled the fever, raging out of control, how long until it was all melted? An hour? More? Less? How long until he was dying again?

I would have been the one to put the ice on him, but I couldn't move. If I moved, I would fall into microscopic pieces.

"Nothing?" Doc murmured. "Did you check -"

"Every spot we could think of," Kyle interrupted. "It's not like painkillers, drugs-lots of people had reason to keep those hidden. The antibiotics were always kept in the open. They're gone, Doc. "

Jared just stared down at the red-faced child on the bed, not speaking.

Ian stood beside me. "Don't look like that," he whispered. "He'll pull through. He's tough. "

I couldn't respond. Couldn't even hear the words, really.

Doc knelt beside Trudy and pulled Jamie's chin down. With a bowl he scooped up some of the ice water from the cooler and let it trickle into Jamie's mouth. We all heard the thick, painful sound of Jamie's swallowing. But his eyes didn't open.

I felt as though I would never be able to move again. That I would turn into part of the stone wall. I wanted to be stone.

If they dug a hole for Jamie in the empty desert, they would have to put me in it, too.

Not good enough, Melanie growled.

I was despairing, but she was filled with fury.

They tried.

Trying solves nothing. Jamie will not die. They have to go back out.

For what purpose? Even if they did find your old antibiotics, what are the chances they would still be any good? They only worked half the time anyway. Inferior. He doesn't need your medicine. He needs more than that. Something that really works. . .

My breathing sped up, deepened as I saw it.

He needs mine, I realized.

Mel and I were both awestruck by the obviousness of this idea. The simplicity of it.

My stone lips cracked apart. "Jamie needs real medicines. The ones the souls have. We need to get him those. "

Doc frowned at me. "We don't even know what those things do, how they work. "

"Does it matter?" Some of Melanie's anger was seeping into my voice. "They do work. They can save him. "

Jared stared at me. I could feel Ian's eyes on me, too, and Kyle's, and all the rest in the room. But I saw only Jared.

"We can't get 'em, Wanda," Jeb said, his tone already one of defeat. Giving up. "We can only get into deserted places. There's always a bunch of your kind in a hospital. Twenty-four hours a day. Too many eyes. We won't do Jamie any good if we get caught. "

"Sure," Kyle said in a hard voice. "The centipedes will be only too happy to heal his body when they find us here. And make him one of them. Is that what you're after?"

I turned to glare at the big, sneering man. My body tensed and leaned forward. Ian put his hand on my shoulder as if he were holding me back. I didn't think I would have made any aggressive move toward Kyle, but maybe I was wrong. I was so far from my normal self.

When I spoke, my voice was dead even, no inflection. "There has to be a way. "

Jared was nodding. "Maybe someplace small. The gun would make too much noise, but if there were enough of us to overwhelm them, we could use knives. "

"No. " My arms came unfolded, my hands falling open in shock. "No. That's not what I meant. Not killing -"

No one even listened to me. Jeb was arguing with Jared.

"There's no way, kid. Somebody'd get a call off to the Seekers. Even if we were in and out, something like that would bring 'em down on us in force. We'd be hard-pressed to make it out at all. And they'd follow. "

"Wait. Can't you -"

They still weren't listening to me.

"I don't want the boy to die, either, but we can't risk everyone's lives for one person," Kyle said. "People die here; it happens. We can't get crazy to save one boy. "

I wanted to choke him, to cut off his air in order to stop his calm words. Me, not Melanie. I was the one who wanted to turn his face purple. Melanie felt the same way, but I could tell how much of the violence came directly from me.

"We have to save him," I said, louder now.

Jeb looked at me. "Hon, we can't just walk in there and ask. "

Right then, another very simple and obvious truth occurred to me.

"You can't. But I can. "

The room fell dead silent.

I was caught up in the beauty of the plan forming in my head. The perfection of it. I spoke mostly to myself, and to Melanie. She was impressed. This would work. We could save Jamie.

"They aren't suspicious. Not at all. Even if I'm a horrible liar, they would never suspect me of anything. They wouldn't be listening for lies. Of course not. I'm one of them. They would do anything to help me. I'd say I got hurt hiking or something. . . and then I'd find a way to be alone and I'd take as much as I could hide. Think of it! I could get enough to heal everyone here. To last for years. And Jamie would be fine! Why didn't I think of this before? Maybe it wouldn't have been too late even for Walter. "

I looked up then, with shining eyes. It was just so perfect!

So perfect, so absolutely right, so obvious to me, that it took me forever to understand the expressions on their faces. If Kyle's had not been so explicit, it might have taken me longer.

Hatred. Suspicion. Fear.

Even Jeb's poker face was not enough. His eyes were tight with mistrust.

Every face said no.

Are they insane? Can't they see how this would help us all?

They don't believe me. They think I'll hurt them, hurt Jamie!

"Please," I whispered. "It's the only way to save him. "

"Patient, isn't it?" Kyle spit. "Bided its time well, don't you think?"

I fought the desire to choke him again.

"Doc?" I begged.

He didn't meet my eyes. "Even if there was any way we could let you outside, Wanda. . . I just couldn't trust drugs I don't understand. Jamie's a tough kid. His system will fight this off. "

"We'll go out again, Wanda," Ian murmured. "We'll find something. We won't come back until we do. "

"That's not good enough. " The tears were pooling in my eyes. I looked to the one person who might possibly be in as much pain as I was. "Jared. You know. You know I would never let anything hurt Jamie. You know I can do this. Please. "

He met my gaze for one long moment. Then he looked around the room, at every other face. Jeb, Doc, Kyle, Ian, Trudy. Out the door at the silent audience whose expressions mirrored Kyle's: Sharon, Violetta, Lucina, Reid, Geoffrey, Heath, Heidi, Andy, Aaron, Wes, Lily, Carol. My friends mixed in with my enemies, all of them wearing Kyle's face. He stared at the next row, which I couldn't see. Then he looked down at Jamie. There was no sound of breathing in the whole room.

"No, Wanda," he said quietly. "No. "

A sigh of relief from the rest.

My knees buckled. I fell forward and yanked free of Ian's hands when he tried to pull me back up. I crawled to Jamie and pushed Trudy aside with my elbow. The silent room watched. I took the compress from his head and refilled the melted ice. I didn't meet the stares I could feel on my skin. I couldn't see anyway. The tears swam in front of my eyes.

"Jamie, Jamie

, Jamie," I crooned. "Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. "

I couldn't seem to do anything but sob out his name and touch the packets of ice over and over, waiting for the moment they would need changing.

I heard them leave, a few at a time. I heard their voices, mostly angry, fade away down the halls. I couldn't make sense of the words, though.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. . .

"Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. . . "

Ian knelt beside me when the room was almost empty.

"I know you wouldn't. . . but Wanda, they'll kill you if you try," he whispered. "After what happened. . . in the hospital. They're afraid you have good reason to destroy us. . . Anyway, he'll be all right. You have to trust that. "

I turned my face from him, and he went away.

"Sorry, kid," Jeb mumbled when he left.

Jared left. I didn't hear him go, but I knew when he was gone. That seemed right to me. He didn't love Jamie the way we did. He had proved that. He should go.

Doc stayed, watching helplessly. I didn't look at him.

The daylight faded slowly, turned orange and then gray. The ice melted and was gone. Jamie started to burn alive under my hands.

"Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. . . " My voice was cracked and hoarse now, but I couldn't stop. "Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. . . "

The room turned black. I couldn't see Jamie's face. Would he leave in the night? Had I already seen his face, his living face, for the last time?

His name was just a whisper on my lips now, low enough that I could hear Doc's quiet snoring.

I wiped the tepid cloth across his body without ceasing. As the water dried, it cooled him a little. The burn lessened. I began to believe that he wouldn't die tonight. But I wouldn't be able to hold him here forever. He would slip away from me. Tomorrow. The next day. And then I would die, too. I would not live without Jamie.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. . . Melanie groaned.

Jared didn't believe us. The lament was both of ours. We thought it at the same time.

It was still silent. I didn't hear anything. Nothing alerted me.

Then, suddenly, Doc cried out. The sound was oddly muffled, like he was shouting into a pillow.

My eyes couldn't make sense of the shapes in the darkness at first. Doc was jerking strangely. And he seemed too big-like he had too many arms. It was terrifying. I leaned over Jamie's inert form, to protect him from whatever was happening. I could not flee while he lay helpless. My heart pounded against my ribs.

Then the flailing arms were still. Doc's snore started up again, louder and thicker than before. He slumped to the ground, and the shape separated. A second figure pulled itself away from his and stood in the darkness.

"Let's go," Jared whispered. "We don't have time to waste. "

My heart nearly exploded.

He believes.

I jumped to my feet, forcing my stiff knees to unbend. "What did you do to Doc?"