Ryder (Slater Brothers 4)

It was a living person who I was more concerned about causing me more pain.

My primary focus was on the being that brought me so much emotional agony. I was cold as ice when someone brought Ryder up, but I knew it was a defence mechanism to shield my crumbled heart. It was a front because when I thought about him in the comfort of my own mind, I became devastated and constantly fought back tears.

I was heart-broken that he cheated on me, I was destroyed that we were broken up, and I was completely torn apart that I couldn’t call him mine anymore. Even when things were at there worst with us, he was still mine, but not anymore.

“I’ll come with you,” Bronagh said, cutting through my thoughts.

I firmly shook my head. “There is black ice on the roads and I don’t want you out there walkin’ on it. You could fall.”

“So could you,” Bronagh countered.

I loved her for loving me so much.

I grinned. “You’re pregnant though, I’m not.”

My sister opened her mouth to argue, but I lifted my hand and silenced her.

“I’m fine. Me leg is practically healed, and walkin’ isn’t painful anymore. I won’t go far, I just need some time to meself to think,” I explained. “I’m feelin’ all kinds of fucked up, Bee. Being trapped in here isn’t helpin’.”

“Okay,” she relented after a couple of seconds. “But please be careful, and don’t stay out long. I’ll worry otherwise.”

We had somehow switched roles over the last few weeks. She was parenting me now.

“I won’t,” I assured her. “I’ll be no more than ten minutes. I’m just goin’ for a quick walk then I’ll be back. I promise.”

I kept my promise, I took a very short walk once around the block, and then I returned home, much to the relief of my sister. I didn’t mind taking a quick walk; I just wanted some fresh air, and some space. When I assured Bronagh, again, that I was okay, I went up to the bedroom that was still my bedroom. I stripped naked, wrapped myself in a towel then went into the bathroom and took a shower. When I finished, I headed back into my room but froze when I walked through the door.

“Branna?”

My heart jumped in fear of the man who had broken it.

“I told your brothers that you weren’t to come here.” I said, gripping the towel around my body tightly.

“They told me what you said,” he said, softly, “but I decided not to listen anymore.”

I started to humourlessly laugh.

“Because everythin’ has to be on your fuckin’ terms, right?” I asked through my cold laughter.

“No,” Ryder frowned, “because I had to see you.”

I shook my head and turned from him and walked over to my wardrobe. I grabbed some knickers, a bra, a pair of black leggings and a baggy T-shirt. I looked over my shoulder and narrowed my eyes at Ryder who turned and put his back to me, giving me some privacy.

He had never turned away when I dressed, or undressed, before, but things were different because I was his then, and now I wasn’t.

Don’t think about it.

I quickly dried my body, mindful of the scabs on the stitches of closed wounds on my shoulder and thigh. The rest of me was still tender, but all of my bruises were a light mustard yellow colour now, and it wouldn’t be long until they healed and faded completely.

“I’m decent,” I said when I was dressed.

Ryder turned back to face me, and instead of giving me a once over like I expected him to, he kept his grey eyes locked on mine. I didn’t know why, but I couldn’t hold his gaze. I looked away then busied myself as I brushed my hair out then tied it up into a bun.

“You’re beautiful.”

The unexpected words slammed into my layered heart like a train.

I keep my gaze averted when I said, “Don’t, Ryder. Don’t try and butter me up. I look like shit—I know it and everyone else knows it, too. I’m still recoverin’ so me appearance isn’t on me list of priorities.”

I felt him step towards me, so I took a quick step back.

“Don’t.”

He stayed still.

“You’re beautiful no matter what you look like, darling.”

I lifted my eyes to his as I snorted. “I’m darlin’ now, am I? I’m not just Branna anymore?”

He looked hurt.

“You’ve always been my darling, and you always will be.”

My stomach roiled as sadness seeped into my bones.

“Stop it,” I pleaded, feeling my tough demeanour crack. “Stop talkin’ to me like the real you used to, just stop.”

“I’m still me, Bran.”

I furiously shook my head. “No, the real you would have never put me through what you did.”

Ryder audibly swallowed. “You’re right, I wouldn’t have, but I took the coward’s way out because I was too scared to rope you into things.”

Rope me into things? I silently repeated. What the hell is he talking about?

“Just leave,” I asked. “I can’t listen to this.”

“You have to.”

“No,” I snapped, looking at him. “I don’t have to do a fuckin’ thing. I did nothin’ wrong, you did!”

“I know,” he agreed, “and I’m trying to fix it.”

I wanted to scream.

“You can’t!” I bellowed. “You broke what we had.”

“Don’t say that, Bran,” he pleaded. “Please.”

I hated that his obvious pain was hurting me, too.

I balled my hands into fists. “I’m so angry at you… you’ve hurt me so much.”

Ryder nodded in defeat. “I know, sweetheart, and I wish with all of my heart that I could take it back.”

“You can never take it back. You don’t understand the magnitude of what you did to me,” I whispered. “I wanted ‘im to kill me. When Big Phil had me, I was at the lowest point in me life, and death looked like the best possible outcome for me.”

Pure horror overtook Ryder’s expression.

“It was shortly after I woke up in his apartment that I wondered why I was so scared of ‘im, and why I was so scared to die, when in reality, I died the moment you pulled away from me.”