Ryder (Slater Brothers 4)

Fear gripped me.

I gasped. “He could kill you!”

Images of pure horror flashed through my mind.

Ryder snorted. “He won’t, I think he found it amusing. He told me he doesn’t like rats, and said he had a bad habit of standing on them. I agreed with him and said I hated cops more because they were snakes in the grass. When I said it, I adjusted my shirt to show the indent of my wire and looked him in the eye. He quickly picked up on what information I was offering.”

I felt my jaw drop open. “You gave it away what you were there for? Why?”

“Because Brandon is fair… and I fucking hate cops, Branna. The Feds… they’re a whole different level of scum, they’d throw you under a bus to get what they want.”

“You eejit!” I snapped. “What if they know why you got shit information?”

“They’re none the wiser, they called time on my part in the operation the night you were… attacked. They told me that evening that after forty-eight hours they’d be packed up and out of the country, and I could go back to my normal life. That’s why I wanted to wait to tell you… in case they changed their minds.”

“I don’t know how to feel about all of this.” I admitted. “It’s too intense.”

Ryder leaned forward and pressed his forehead to mine. “I’m so sorry, Branna,” he whispered. “Having you in my life has ruined yours.”

The touch of his skin against mine was like a jolt of electricity shooting through me.

I pulled back from him and looked into his eyes. “Don’t you ever say anythin’ like that to me again. You’re still everythin’ to me even though I’m furious with you. I’m angry and hurt, but it’s only because the thought of losin’ you kills me.”

Ryder’s face softened. “Why did you leave me if you don’t want to lose me?”

My shoulders sagged. “You left me no other choice. Either you told me what you were up to, or I had to leave. It has destroyed me to be apart, but livin’ the way I had been with you over the last year and a half has ruined me, too. I had no choice.”

Ryder slightly smiled. “I’ll fix what I’ve done.”

“I feel like your smile is a beautiful lie,” I whispered, “and that I can’t trust it any more than I can trust you.”

“But… but I just told you why I was the way I was.”

I nodded. “And I understand, but that doesn’t change anythin’ right now. I need space.”

“Don’t leave me on my own, Branna.” Ryder pleaded. “I’m begging you.”

“You’ve left me on my own for months whilst being right here with me, and I understand why, but it still hurts.” I countered. “Whatever we had faded to black.”

“No,” he hissed. “Nothing faded away because I still fucking love you more than life itself, and you love me, too. I know it.”

“Lovin’ you is easy, Ryder, but trustin’ you isn’t.”

“I know, and I’ll forever be sorry for causing you so much hurt.”

I was silent for a few moments just gathering my thoughts.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Ryder asked, his voice so low I barely heard him. “Could you ever reach a point where you think you could do that?”

Could I? I asked myself.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I need time to think.”

“I’ll give you time and space. I’ll give you whatever you need, I promise.”

He was grabbing onto my words like a lifeline.

“This won’t happen overnight, Ryder.” I said firmly. “I can’t just mend what’s been broken with the snap of my fingers, so make sure you give me time, okay? I can’t go back to the way things were before all this started just because I now know the truth; I have to do this slowly. We both do. I understand what you have told me, but me heart, it can’t just forgive and forget so easily.”

Ryder bobbed his head up and down. “I understand. I’ll do anything you want.”

I was relived he was going to do what I wanted without giving me hassle.

I blew out a breath. “Don’t come around lookin’ for me, okay? When I’m ready, I’ll come to you.”

“What… what if you never come to me?” he asked, fear laced in his tone.

“I can’t answer that, and I’m sorry if I’m being cruel, but right now, I need to do what’s best for me.”

After a moment, Ryder nodded. “Okay, sweetheart.”

He stood then, and it looked like he was going to lean down and either hug or kiss me, but he stopped himself and moved over to my bedroom door.

“I love you, Branna,” he said. “I have a shit way of showing it, but I love you, sweetness.”

He left then, and not long later, I burst into tears. I didn’t know why I was crying when I was the one who asked him to give me time and space. The confusion was killing me.

My mind felt one way, and my heart another.

I hated how mysterious Ryder had been over the last year and a half, and now I had become an enigma. That was fucking irony for you.

Two weeks later…

It had been fourteen days since Ryder told me the truth, and I was still in my room where I confined myself to so I could really think. Unless it was to eat, use the toilet or take a shower, I stayed in my room. I wished I could return to work to busy myself, but I was only two sessions into my scheduled six with the therapist The Health Board assigned me to, and it was difficult actually opening up to her without revealing any secrets that weren’t for her ears.

Even with her help, I was emotionally at a standstill because I didn’t know how to get my heart on the same track as my mind. I knew what happened with Ryder in full detail, and I understood every aspect of it, but I still resented him for the hurt he brought me over the last year and a half, even though he didn’t do it willingly.