The Valley of Horses (Earth's Children 2)

Maybe he’s right, Ayla thought, snuggling down beside him. But if he isn’t, a baby could be growing in me now. She smiled. A baby like Durc, to cuddle and nurse, and take care of, a baby that would be part Jondalar.

But who will help me when he’s gone? she thought with a stab of anguish. She recalled her difficult previous pregnancy, her brush with death during delivery. Without Iza, I wouldn’t be alive. And if I did manage to have a baby alone, how could I hunt and take care of a baby? What if I got hurt, or killed? Who would take care of my baby then? He’d die, all alone.

I can’t have another baby now! She bolted up. What if one has been started? What should I do? Iza’s medicine! Tansy or mistletoe, or … not mistletoe. That only grows on oak, and there is no oak here. But there are several plants that will work—I’ll have to think about it. It could be dangerous, but better to lose the baby now, than lose him to some hyena after he’s born.

“Is anything wrong, Ayla?” Jondalar asked, reaching up to cup a full firm breast, because he knew he could and that made him want to.

She leaned into his hand, remembering his touch. “No, nothing is wrong.”

He smiled, recalled his deep satisfaction, and felt renewed stirrings. Soon, he thought. I think she has Haduma’s touch!

She saw warmth and desire in his blue eyes. Maybe he’ll want to make Pleasures with me again, Ayla thought, smiling back. Then her smile faded. If a baby hasn’t started, and we do Pleasures again, one could start. Maybe I should take Iza’s secret medicine, the one she said not to mention to anyone.

She remembered when Iza told her about the plants—golden thread and root of antelope sage—that had such potent magic, they could add strength to a woman’s totem to fight off the man’s impregnating essences, and prevent life from starting. Ayla had just learned she was pregnant. Iza had not told her about the medicine before—no one thought she would ever have a baby, and it hadn’t come up in her training. Strong totem or not, I had a baby, and I might again. I don’t know if it’s spirits or men, but the medicine worked for Iza, and I think I better take it, or I may have to take something else to lose one.

I wish I didn’t have to, I wish I could keep it. I would like to have a baby from Jondalar. Her smile was so tender and inviting that he reached up and pulled her down on him. The amulet, hanging around her neck, banged his nose.

“Oh, Jondalar! Did that hurt?”

“What do you have in that thing? It must be full of rocks!” he said, sitting up and rubbing his nose. “What is it?”

“It is … for my totem spirit, so he can find me. It holds the part of my spirit he recognizes. When he has given me signs, I keep them in there, too. Everyone in the Clan has one. Creb said if I lose it, I will die.”

“It’s a charm, or an amulet,” he said. “Your Clan does understand the mysteries of the spirit world. The more I learn about them, the more like people they seem, though not like any I know.” His eyes filled with contrition. “Ayla, it was my ignorance that made me behave as I did when I first understood who you meant by Clan. It was shameful, and I’m sorry.”

“Yes, it was shameful, but I am not angry or hurt anymore. You have made me feel … I want to make a courtesy, too. For today, for First Rites, I want to say … thank you.”

He grinned. “I don’t think anyone ever thanked me before.” The grin left, but a smile lingered though his eyes were serious. “If anyone should say it, I should. Thank you, Ayla. You don’t know what an experience you gave me. It hasn’t been that gratifying for me since …” He stopped and she saw a frown of pain. “ … since Zolena.”

“Who is Zolena?”

“Zolena is no more. She was a woman I knew when I was young.” He lay back down and stared up at the roof of the cave, silent for so long that Ayla did not think he would say any more. Then, to himself more than her, he began speaking.

“She was beautiful then. All the men talked about her, and all the boys thought about her, but none more than I, even before the donii came to me in my sleep. The night my donii came, she came as Zolena, and when I woke, my sleeping furs were full of my essence, and my head full of Zolena.

“I remember following her, or finding a place to wait where I could watch her. I begged the Mother for her. But I couldn’t believe it when she came to me. It could have been any one of the women, but the only one I wanted was Zolena—oh, how I wanted her—and she came to me.

“First, I just took my pleasure in her. Even then, I was big for my age—in many ways. She taught me how to control, how to use it, and she taught me what a woman needed. I learned I could get pleasure from a woman, even if she wasn’t quite deep enough, if I held myself back as long as possible, and made her ready. Then I wouldn’t need as much depth, and she could take more.

“With Zolena, I didn’t have to worry. Yet, she could make men happy who were smaller—she had ways of control, too. There wasn’t a man who didn’t want her—and she chose me. After a while, she chose me all the time, though I was hardly more than a boy.

“But there was one man who kept after her, though he knew she didn’t want him. It made me angry. When he saw us together, he’d tell her to pick a man for a change. He wasn’t as old as Zolena, but older than I. I was bigger, though.”

Jondalar closed his eyes, but kept on. “It was so stupid! I shouldn’t have done it, it only called attention to us, but he wouldn’t let her alone. He made me so furious. One day I hit him, and then I couldn’t stop.

“They say it’s not good for a young man to be with one woman too much. With more women, there’s less chance that he will form an attachment. Young men are supposed to mate young women; older women are only supposed to teach them. They always blame the woman if a young man grows to feel too much for her. But they shouldn’t have blamed her. I didn’t want any of those other women, I wanted only Zolena.

“Those women seemed so crude then, insensitive, teasing, making fun of the men all the time, especially the young men. Perhaps I was insensitive, too, chasing them away from me, calling them names.

“They’re the ones who choose the men for First Rites. All the men want to be chosen—they always talk about it. It’s an honor, and it’s exciting, but they worry about being too rough, or too hasty, or worse. What good is a man if he can’t even open a woman? Anytime a man passes a group of women, they tease.”

He shifted his voice to a falsetto and mimicked. “ ‘Here’s a handsome one. Would you like me to teach you a thing or two?’ Or, ‘I haven’t been able to teach this one anything, anyone else willing to try?’ ”

Then in his own voice, “Most men learn to give it back and enjoy the banter as much as the women, but it’s hard on young men. Any man passing a group of laughing women wonders if they are laughing at his expense. Zolena wasn’t like that. The other women didn’t like her much, maybe because the men liked her too much. On any of the Mother’s holidays or festivals, she was first choice …

“The man I hit lost several teeth. It’s hard on a man that young to lose teeth. He can’t chew, and women don’t want him. I’ve been sorry ever since. It was so stupid! My mother made compensation for me, and he moved to another Cave. But he comes to Summer Meetings, and I wince every time I see him.

“Zolena had been talking about serving the Mother. I thought I would be a carver and serve Her in that way. That was when Marthona decided I might have an aptitude for stone working and sent word to Dalanar. Not long afterward, Zolena left to take special training, and Willomar took me to live with the Lanzadonii. Marthona was right. It was best. When I returned after three years, Zolena was no more.”

“What happened to her?” Ayla asked, almost afraid to speak.

“Those Who Serve the Mother give up their own identity and take on the identity of the people for whom they intercede. In return, the Mother gives them Gifts unknown to Her ordinary children: Gifts of magic, skill, knowledge—and power. Many who go to Serve never progress beyond acolytes. Of those who receive Her call, only a

few are truly talented, but they rise in the ranks of Those Who Serve very quickly.

“Just before I left, Zolena was made High Priestess Zelandoni, First among Those Who Serve the Mother.”

Suddenly Jondalar jumped up and saw the scarlet and gold western sky through the cave openings. “It’s still daylight. I feel like going for a swim,” he said, striding quickly out of the cave. Ayla picked up her wrap and long thong and followed him. By the time she reached the beach, he was in the water. She took off her amulet, walked in a few feet, then kicked off. He was far upstream. She met him on his way back.

“How far did you go?” she asked.

“To the falls,” he said. “Ayla, I have never told that to anyone before. About Zolena.”

“Do you ever see Zolena?”

Jondalar’s explosive laugh was bitter. “Not Zolena, Zelandoni. Yes, I’ve seen her. We are good friends. I have even shared Pleasures with Zelandoni,” he said. “But she doesn’t choose just me anymore.” He started swimming downstream, fast and hard.

Ayla frowned and shook her head, then followed him back to the beach. She slipped her amulet on and tied on her wrap as she trailed him up the path. He was standing by the fireplace looking down at barely glowing coals when she walked in. She made a last adjustment to her wrap, then picked up some wood and fed it to the fire. He was still wet and she saw him shiver. She went to get his sleeping fur.

“The season is changing,” she said. “Evenings are cool. Here, you might get a chill.”