Our time apart hadn’t been spent with lustful thoughts running rampant in my brain. She was just the girl I loved in a way that I always knew I could never love anyone else. My Caitie! The girl I’d weaved all my dreams around.
Now as I stand here with my arms around her all those feelings that I’d held at bay were fighting to be released. I was confused as hell at this turn of events. It’s true that I’ve never shared any part of myself with anyone else. She’s owned my heart since I was fifteen, but surely I should’ve seen this coming.
In the years that I’ve spent seeing her on Facetime, talking to her on the phone, even during that last trip I’d taken back here over the holidays a year ago, I never expected her to change this much. Or for me to have these feelings so soon.
In my mind I’d had it all worked out. I’d find a way to convince her dad to let us be together, we’d get married and everything else would fall into place. Not once did I plan for this hiccup. I didn’t expect her to want me to want more.
Now how the hell do I do this without hurting her, without putting that look on her face again? How do I get her to understand that if I let go and give in to what she seems to want, it’ll only make things more difficult with her dad?
And how do I not show her that I want her just as much as she wants me and leave it at that for now? I’m afraid that the moment I let my guard down we’ll cross the line that her dad had drawn a long time ago.
The one thing that he’d asked of me all those years ago when he finally agreed to let me see her was that I respect his daughter. I’ll never forget his words that day, words I never shared with her or anyone else; words that stayed with me and helped me to keep my teenage hormones in check all this time. That along with the distance.
As far as Colton Lyon is concerned, his little girl is to be loved by the man that’s going to marry her and spend the rest of his life with her. He’d warned me about going too far with her when we were younger, and had drilled it into my head that if I took that step there would be no turning back.
I knew what he meant then and understand it even more now. I’ve hung in there for four whole years, knowing all along that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but also knowing that I have to prove to him that I’m in this for the long haul. Too bad for me he’s not the easiest person in the world to convince.
The warmth of her body still held close to mine brought me back from my trip down memory lane. I closed my eyes and held her close a little while longer, willing my body to catch up with my mind. It wasn’t the first time I’ve wanted her, but it was the first time I came this close to crossing the line. “We’d better go back.”
“Why, we’ve only been gone for like ten minutes.”
How is she still so innocent? Can’t she feel my hardness pressed up against her? When I looked into her eyes and saw the trust in them her sweet naivety only made me want to protect her even more, if even from myself.
For the first time since I’ve known her I was just a little bit afraid of the strength of my feelings for her. Not once in the past four years have I ever been afraid of crossing the line, it was never an issue. Only in my dreams have I ever wanted more than what we already shared.
I’d been able to keep my baser instincts in check while we were apart, never so much as hinting at anything sexual between her and I. But it took only ten minutes of being alone with her, away from the ever watchful eyes of her dad for that shit to show up.
She thinks she hasn’t grown, but nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe if she’d been the same as even the last time I saw her this would be easier; but just as I’d grown in the last few months, so had she.
Though not quite a woman yet, she’s well on her way. Now I see her with new eyes again after that kiss. It was because of her father that I never really allowed myself to see her as a sexual being, that even when my mind started to go there in the past I was able to reel myself in. Now I know that it’s not going to be that easy if I stay here.