The Grim Grotto (A Series of Unfortunate Events 11)

"How dare you capture this submarine!" Fiona cried. "I'm the captain of the Queequeg, and I demand that you return us to the sea at once! Aye!"

Count Olaf peered down at the mycologist. "Aye?" he repeated. "You must be Fiona, that little fungus freak! Why, you're all grown up! The last time I saw you I was trying to throw thumbtacks into your cradle! Ha ha hot polloi! What happened to Widdershins? Why isn't he the captain?"

"My stepfather is not around at the moment," Fiona replied, blinking behind her triangular glasses.

"Hee hee terry cloth!" Count Olaf said. "Your stepfather has abandoned you, eh? Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time. Your whole family could never choose which side of the schism was theirs. Your brother used to be a goody-goody as well, trying to prevent fires instead of encouraging them, but eventually –"

"My stepfather has not abandoned me," Fiona said, though her voice faltered a bit, a phrase which here means "sounded as if she weren't so sure." She did not even add an "Aye!" to her sentence.

"We'll see about that," Olaf said, grinning wickedly. "I'm going to lock all of you in the brig, which is the official seafaring term for Jail."

"We know what the brig is," Klaus said.

"Then you know it's not a very pleasant place," the villain said. "The previous owner used it to hold traitors captive, and I see no reason to break with tradition."

"We're not traitors, and we're not leaving the Queequeg," Violet said, and held up the diving helmet.

Sunny tried to say something, but the growing fungus made her cough instead, and Olaf frowned at the coughing helmet.

"What's that?" he demanded.

"Sunny is in here," she said. "And she's very ill."

"I was wondering where the baby brat was," Count Olaf said. "I was hoping she was trapped underneath my shoe, but I see that it's just some ridiculous book."

He lifted his slippery foot to reveal Mushroom Minutiae, the book Fiona had been using for her research, and kicked it off the table where it skittered into a far corner.

"There is a very deadly poison inside that helmet," Fiona said, staring at the book in frustration. "Aye! If Sunny doesn't receive an antidote within the hour, she will perish."

"What do I care?" Olaf growled, once again showing his villainous disregard for other people. "I only need one Baudelaire to get my hands on the fortune. Now come with me! Ha ha handiwork!"

"We're staying right here," Klaus said. "Our sister's life depends on it."

Count Olaf drew his sword again, and traced a sinister shape in the air. "I'll tell you what your lives depend on," he said. "Your lives depend on me! If I wanted, I could drown you in the sea, or have you strangled by the arms of the mechanical octopus! It's only out of the kindness of my heart, and because of my own greed, that I'm locking you in the brig instead!"

Sunny coughed inside her helmet, and Violet thought quickly. "If you let us help our sister," she said, "we'll tell you where the sugar bowl is."

Count Olaf's eyes narrowed, and he gave the children a wide, toothy grin the two Baudelaires remembered from so many of their troubled times. His eyes shone brightly, as if he were telling a joke as nasty as his unbrushed teeth.

"You can't try that trick again," he sneered. "I'm not going to bargain with an orphan, no matter how pretty she may be. Once you get to the brig, you'll reveal where the sugar bowl is – once my henchman gets his hands on you. Or should I say hooks? Hee hee torture!"

Count Olaf leaped back through the porthole as Violet and Klaus looked at one another in fear. They knew Count Olaf was referring to the hook-handed man, who had been working with the villain as long as they had known him and was one of their least favorite of Olaf's comrades.

"I could race up the rope ladder," Violet murmured to the others, "and fire up the engines of the Queequeg."

"We can't take the submarine underwater with the window gone," Fiona said. "We'd drown."

Klaus put his ear to the diving helmet, and heard his sister whimper, and then cough. "But how can we save Sunny?" he asked. "Time is running out.

Fiona eyed the far corner of the room. "I'll take that book with me," she said, "and –"

"Hurry up!" Count Olaf cried. "I can't stand around all day! I have plenty of people to boss around!"

"Aye!" Fiona said, as Violet, still holding Sunny, led Klaus through the porthole to join Count Olaf on the platform. "I'll be there in a second," she said, and the mycologist took one hesitant step toward Mushroom Minutiae.

"You'll be there now!" Olaf growled, and shook his sword at her. "He who hesitates is lost! Hee hee sniggle!"

At the mention of the captain's personal philosophy, Fiona sighed, and stopped her furtive journey – a phrase which here means "sneaking" – toward the mycological book. "Or she," she said quietly, and stepped through the porthole to join the Baudelaires.

"On the way to the brig, I'll give you the grand tour!" Olaf announced, leading the way out of the round, metal room that was serving as a sort of brig for the Queequeg itself.

There were several inches of water on the floor, to help the captured submarine move through the tunnel, and the Baudelaires' boots made loud, wet splashes as they followed the boasting villain. While Sunny coughed again in her helmet, Olaf pressed an eye on the wall, and a small door slid open with a sinister whisper to reveal a corridor.

"This submarine is one of the greatest things I've ever stolen," he bragged. "It has everything I'll need to defeat V.F.D. once and for all. It has a sonar system, so I can rid the seas of V.F.D. submarines. It has an enormous flyswatter, so I can rid the skies of V.F.D. planes. It has a lifetime supply of matches, so I can rid the world of V.F.D. headquarters. It has several cases of wine that I plan to drink up myself, and a closet full of very stylish outfits for my girlfriend. And best of all, it has plenty of opportunities for children to do hard labor! Ha ha hedonism!"

Gesturing with his sword, he led the children around a corner into an enormous room – the room they'd had a glimpse of as the Queequeg tumbled inside this terrible place. It was quite dark, with only a few lanterns hanging from the tops of tall pillars scattered around the room, but Violet and Klaus could see two large rows of uncomfortable-looking wooden benches, on which sat a crowd of children, hurriedly working long oars that stretched across the room and even beyond the walls, where they slid through metal holes in order to control the tentacles of the octopus.

The elder Baudelaires recognized some of the children from a troop of Snow Scouts they had encountered in the Mortmain Mountains, and a few looked quite a bit like other students at Prufrock Preparatory School, where the siblings had first encountered Carmelita Spats, but some of the others were children with whom the Baudelaires had had no prior experience, a phrase which here means "who had probably been kidnapped by Count Olaf or his associates on another occasion."

The children looked very weary, quite hungry, and more than a little bored as they worked the metal oars back and forth. In the very center of the room appeared to be another octopus – this one made of slippery cloth. Six of the octopus's arms hung limply at its sides, but two of them were waving high in the air, one of them clutching what looked like a long, damp noodle.

"Row faster, you stupid brats!" the octopus cried in a familiar, wicked voice. "We have to get back to the hotel Denouement before Thursday, and it's Monday already! If you don't hurry up I'm going to hit you with this tagliatelle grande! I warn you, being struck with a large piece of pasta is an unpleasant and somewhat sticky experience! Ho ho sniggle!"

"Hee hee snaggic!" Olaf cried in agreement, and the octopus whirled around.

"Darling!" it cried, and the siblings were not surprised to see that it was Esmé Squalor, Count Olaf's treacherous girlfriend, in another one of her absurd, stylish outfits.

Using the slippery cloth of the submarine's uniforms, the villainous girlfriend had fashioned an octopus dress, with two large plastic eyes, six extra sleeves, and suction cups stuck all over her boots, just as real

octopi have on their tentacles to help them move around. Esmé took a few sticky steps toward Olaf and then peered at the children beneath the slippery hood of the dress.

"Are these the Baudelaires?" she asked in astonishment. "How can that be? We already celebrated their deaths!"

"It turns out they survived," Count Olaf said, "but their good luck is about to come to an end. I'm taking them to the brig!"

"The baby certainly has grown," Esmé said, peering at Fiona. "But she's just as ugly as she ever was.

"No, no," Olaf said. "The baby's locked up in that helmet, coughing her little lungs out. This is Fiona, Captain Widdershin's stepdaughter. The captain abandoned her!"

"Abandoned her?" Esmé repeated. "How in! How stylish! How marvelous! This calls for more of our new laughter! Ha ha hedgehog!"

"Tee hee tempeh!" Olaf cackled. "Life keeps getting better and better!"

"Sniggle ho ho!" Esmé shrieked. "Our triumph is just around the corner!"

"Ha ha hepplewhite!" Olaf crowed. V.F.D. will be reduced to ashes forever!"