"Hey," he said. He looked wary as he placed his messenger bag down on top of the table. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I said through my teeth. "I just wish people would stop asking me that."
Josh raised his hands. "Sorry."
I felt instantly guilty. I couldn't start snapping at my friends now. If I lost them too, I would have nothing at all. Something between a sigh and a groan parted my lips.
"No. I'm sorry." I crossed my arms over my notebook and my forehead hit my wrist. "I didn't mean to tear your head off," I said into the table.
"It's okay," Josh whispered sincerely. "What's going on?"
I felt his finger touch my pinky. It warmed me all over. One millimeter of skin on skin, and my whole body reacted. What would Thomas have thought? Was he watching me right now? Was that even possible? Did he know I was having warm and fuzzy feelings for one of his best friends? I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head, trying to shake the thoughts out.
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It wasn't fair. It wasn't. Nothing was fair.
"Reed?" His voice took on a serious, concerned tone that set every inch of me vibrating.
With a sigh I lifted my head enough so that my chin was now on my notebook. I looked up at him pathetically. I wished he would just hug me. Somehow I felt that if I could find myself in Josh's arms--just held there in his arms--I could start to feel okay. But how could I do that? How could either of us do that?
"I just wish I could get out of my head," I told him after a long moment. "It's unlivable in here."
Josh smirked. He leaned forward, bringing his face close to the table, so close to mine I could see every light freckle across his nose. "I might have an idea of how you can do that, if you're interested," he said, with a mischievous glint in his normally glint-free eyes.
Well. That was foreboding.
I sat up straight. "If you're talking about pot or something, I'm not interested," I said, adjusting my books as if I was actually going to study. "Considering," I added pointedly.
"It's not drugs, Reed. Come on," Josh said, sitting up as well. "How idiotic do you think I am?"
I blinked. Ablush moved in from behind my ears, warming my face all the way to my nose. So this was what shame felt like.
"Then what is it?" I asked.
"It's better," he said.
I looked down at the blank pages in my notebook and took a deep breath. "I'm in."
69
ENOUGH DAMAGE
My heart was pounding so loudly in my ears I had a feeling they would be ringing later. I hadn't been in Ketlar for weeks. Not since Thomas was still alive. Not since he had brought me here to have sex.
Make love.
Use me?
I had no idea anymore. And now I'd never be able to ask him. Whatever it had been, being so close to the place where it had happened was conjuring several physical reactions.
Nausea. Shaky knees. Headache. Watery eyes. I was one big side effect.
"Come on," Josh half-whispered the moment the elevator doors slid open.
It took a lot of effort for me to move. I followed him out into the hallway and toward the common room. I knew I should be excited and curious about what, exactly, Josh had in mind, but ghosts of memories were crowding out any immediate concerns. Visions of
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